What funny things have you heard at Mass? (Updated Title)
  • GambaGamba
    Posts: 539
    And of course the usual funeral mixup with family members reading: “That which is moral must put on immorality.”
    Thanked by 1CharlesW
  • NihilNominisNihilNominis
    Posts: 986
    I once announced that I was starting a "slush fund" for organ maintenance, in my younger, quainter days.
    Thanked by 1CharlesW
  • Chris Garton-Zavesky
    Posts: 6,902
    Heard this weekend at a parish away from home.

    During the sermon -- and funny not because it's a slip of the tongue:

    "Some people think that Vatican Two was all about the liturgy. I certainly hope not."
    Thanked by 1CharlesW
  • Carol
    Posts: 849
    My brother thought the May Crowning Hymn had the lyric "O Mary we DROWN thee with blossoms today"
    Thanked by 2CharlesW CHGiffen
  • MarkS
    Posts: 282
    Don't remember if I shared this this, but my choir has a new motto, courtesy of a typo in the worship bulletin for the first Sunday of Lent this year:"Bless the Lord, who forgives all our sings."
    Thanked by 3CharlesW Carol CHGiffen
  • CharlesW
    Posts: 11,934
    We wont talk about money any more this year - from a sermon.
    Thanked by 2Carol CHGiffen
  • VilyanorVilyanor
    Posts: 388
    Reader trying to say in the petitions "for all those who suffer from scrupulosity"

    Somehow it turned into something resembling "for all those who suffer from scrumptiousness".

    Coincidentally, both apply to me.
    Thanked by 6CharlesW Carol bhcordova StimsonInRehab KARU27 Olivier
  • SarahJ
    Posts: 54
    This was me a few months ago, "Please turn to #___ in your Breaking Bad hymnal." (Quickly corrected. And yes I sorrow in our hymnal and that hymns are announced at Mass)
    Thanked by 7Carol CharlesW KARU27 MarkS janetgorbitz Olivier Matilda
  • Carol
    Posts: 849
    Very glad we don't have the Breaking Bad hymnal or I could see myself making this mistake. Remember the old folk hymn "Lord of Glory?" I once sang "his FACE is lifted..." instead of "his voice is lifted, his face is joy..."
  • ELapisardi
    Posts: 31
    And that reminds me of another one from a wedding which I attended: the cantor wasn't sure if the verse or refrain came next in "You Are Mine." The result was, "I am afraid I am with you."
    Thanked by 3KARU27 chonak Carol
  • teachermom24
    Posts: 327
    Today, the lector informed us this is "Pentecostal Sunday", and later, reading from the "Act" of the Apostles, mentioned the "Parthenons" among those present at the Feast.
    Thanked by 3CHGiffen CharlesW Carol
  • NihilNominisNihilNominis
    Posts: 986
    At a funeral, "Please pass the Bread and Breakfast hymnals down from the ends of the pews."
    Thanked by 3CharlesW Carol SarahJ
  • SarahJ
    Posts: 54
    And I have a new one, thankfully this happened chatting AFTER Mass, when I said the the "Feast of Corpus Crispy". /facepalm
    Thanked by 3CHGiffen CharlesW Matilda
  • M. Jackson Osborn
    Posts: 8,368
    I may have recounted this before, but since this thread has been resurrected it may be worthy of repetition - - -

    Many, very many years ago we were talking to some people after a mass at which we had made one of our first offerings of an unaccompanied motet, and one lady said admiringly, 'Oh, I just loved y'all's avocado anthem'.
    Thanked by 2SarahJ CHGiffen
  • Chris Garton-Zavesky
    Posts: 6,902
    "Avocado" was meant to be "A Capella"?
  • Don9of11Don9of11
    Posts: 685
    Come eat the bread, come drink the wine.
  • Liam
    Posts: 4,945
    Well, that invites the more interesting: Come drink the bread, come eat the wine...
  • mmeladirectress
    Posts: 1,076
    Ok, all yours are from real life and this probably isn't, but it made me laugh anyway.

    'At a wedding I attended, the priest called for a moment of silence to remember the faithful dead.
    'As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of me turned to his father and said excitedly, "Dad, you have some of their albums!" '
    Thanked by 6Incardination CharlesW Carol NihilNominis Casavant Organist Matilda
  • Caleferink
    Posts: 429
    From the Preface this morning:

    Through him the host of Angels ignores your majesty... (proper word, of course, is "adores")
  • Chris Garton-Zavesky
    Posts: 6,902
    Caleferink,

    You're not in Germany, are you?
  • GambaGamba
    Posts: 539
    Husband giving eulogy. “I’ll never forget her love for leather and the way she worked those tiny beads”.

    A few sentences later, it was clarified that she loved crafting custom wallets for her friends.
    Thanked by 2StimsonInRehab Olivier
  • ghmus7
    Posts: 1,465
    There was a cantor who sang Panis Anelicus only the first word was pronounced as "Penis".
    Thanked by 1CharlesW
  • ryandryand
    Posts: 1,640
    We pray to the Lard.
    Thanked by 1Matilda
  • CHGiffenCHGiffen
    Posts: 5,151
    Lard have messy.
    Thanked by 1Matilda
  • Chris Garton-Zavesky
    Posts: 6,902
    Charles,

    Where did you hear this odd changing of vowels and elimination of r's
  • M. Jackson Osborn
    Posts: 8,368
    .
  • CharlesW
    Posts: 11,934
    We did sing, "O Rest in the Lard."
  • Liam
    Posts: 4,945
    The lord-lard merger is a feature of English pronunciation in parts of Texas, I believe. A much smaller merger variant of the much more widespread cot-caught merger and its related variations.

    When you come to eastern New England, remember the that thrifty Yankee Law of Conservation of Rs means that non-rhotic Rs are not wasted - they are just moved to places like Cuber and Juder. (Epiphany is always a delightful time to listen to townie priests proclaim the Gospel.)
  • ryandryand
    Posts: 1,640
    I heard it most recently from a Pakistani pastor. It crept up on me but about halfway through Mass all I could hear was what sounded like a clear and intentional worship of THE LARD.
  • M. Jackson Osborn
    Posts: 8,368
    The lard has a cousin named lawerrd.
    Thanked by 5mmeladirectress Liam CharlesW Olivier CHGiffen
  • Liam
    Posts: 4,945
    Well, on my second day in Charlottesville almost 40 years ago, I learned that the nickname "Bill" may be a three-syllable (it was a bit more than a mere triphthong when drawled out) name when pronounced by someone from Tidewater. BIH-uh-el.
    Thanked by 1madorganist
  • CatherineS
    Posts: 690
    Not as funny as some of the above, but a very young priest the other day started out with a lovely homily about St. Stephen. A few parishioners quickly corrected him, calling out "St. Lawrence!". You could see he'd written his notes all about St. Stephen, so he had to spend the first part of the homily mentally rewriting everything as he spoke. He managed pretty, well, considering.
  • Liam
    Posts: 4,945
    Ah, St Stephen the Protomartyr, Patron Saint of Cooks ... of Stone Soup.
    Thanked by 2CharlesW StimsonInRehab
  • StimsonInRehabStimsonInRehab
    Posts: 1,916
    Solemn High Mass yesterday:

    Congregation: "A-ve, a-ve, a-ve Ma-ri-a!!!"

    followed immediately by

    Monotone Usher "PLEASE PUT YOUR KNEELERS ON TOP OF YOUR CHAIRS. THANK YOU."
    Thanked by 1ServiamScores
  • Chris Garton-Zavesky
    Posts: 6,902
    Stimson,

    Does your congregation sing that hymn correctly, or Americanly?
    Thanked by 3Casavant Organist StimsonInRehab Carol
  • JosquinGetEnough
    Posts: 39
    One time I was canting a daily Mass and when I went to announce the recessional hymn, the celebrant started to announce it instead. Then he stopped himself and said “Oh sorry Sara, that’s YOUR line.”
    We also used to have a tiny typo in the chant for Lauda Jerusalem (the one we do for Right to Life) that caused us to negate the meaning of a whole verse. I can’t remember what it is right now, but we definitely made that mistake a couple of years in a row. Oops.
    Thanked by 1Casavant Organist
  • Incardination
    Posts: 832
    Eons ago, when I was a young altar server, the priest noticed that I was thinking through the things that needed to happen before Sunday Mass started. He said to me "Why are you so worried? I'm the one that's got to speak to everyone."

    "Yes Father, but I'm the one who has to make all the moves."

    My line (much to my consternation) made it into that day's sermon.
    Thanked by 1StimsonInRehab
  • KARU27
    Posts: 184
    It would be a real treat if we could get some priests to combine "The Lard" while worshiping "Cod".
  • Carol
    Posts: 849
    Not at Mass, but a true story: At the Baptism of her newest cousin as the Holy Water was being poured, my niece got very anxious and announced to her grandmother, "My mommy washed my hair already!"
    Thanked by 1Richard Mix
  • Liam
    Posts: 4,945
    "It would be a real treat if we could get some priests to combine "The Lard" while worshiping "Cod"."

    Well, if we cheat on the candles, we could have tallow (beef dripping) to properly fry up some cod and chips....
    Thanked by 1CharlesW
  • StimsonInRehabStimsonInRehab
    Posts: 1,916
    Chris,

    They did it the French way, since that congregation has more French connections than Gene Hackman on a subway train.
    Thanked by 2Carol CharlesW
  • GambaGamba
    Posts: 539
    For those sick of our parish, we pray to the Lord.
    Thanked by 7CharlesW Casavant Organist StimsonInRehab Carol CHGiffen eft94530 bhcordova
  • melofluentmelofluent
    Posts: 4,160
    This last Friday I was in the gallery preparing for a funeral Mass and suddenly wafting up was a dulcet baritone voice through the PA verbally initiating a said rosary. What soon got my real attention was the equally-canned voices responding and reciting their parts. It was a freaking audio file being played! I had noticed an electronic tablet girded next to the amplifier in the sacristy earlier, but paid no attention as to why it was there. Ahem. Predictably, no one in the congregation of mourners enjoined the cyber-congregation, and at one point a parishioner took to a lectern and re-started a "live" rosary, to which all participated. It was the darndest (RIP, Art Linklater) thing, not to mention disconcerting to all present.
    Thanked by 4Carol chonak CHGiffen CatherineS
  • Gina
    Posts: 12
    Just remembered a rehearsal for Christmas a few years ago - "What child is this who laid to rest on Mary's a$$ is sleeping"
    Thanked by 5canadash CharlesW CHGiffen Carol ServiamScores
  • canadashcanadash
    Posts: 1,499
    One of the Totus Tuus missionaries was teaching the four marks of the church: "One Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church." So he asked a child to repeat it wherein the boy said, "One Holy, Catholic and Alcoholic Church."
    Thanked by 5CharlesW CHGiffen Carol bhcordova ServiamScores
  • tandrews
    Posts: 157
    I used to cantor for Notre Dame daily Masses back in grad school. After 4 verses of O'Brien's Take and Eat This Bread I let slip in the refrain "When you drink this bread, when you eat this cup..."
  • Chris Garton-Zavesky
    Posts: 6,902
    Painful on the teeth, no?
    Thanked by 1tandrews
  • StimsonInRehabStimsonInRehab
    Posts: 1,916
    Painful on the teeth, no?


    image
    Thanked by 2tandrews CharlesW
  • Gina
    Posts: 12
    "Avoid immortality' again today.

    A couple of days ago the priest, adding a comment relating to his homily at the end of Mass, said "The Lord can." To which the congregation on auto pilot responded "And with your spirit."
  • GambaGamba
    Posts: 539
    Lector: “Let us pray for those who are suffering or have died because of the CornaVor’na Virus.....”
    Thanked by 2CharlesW ServiamScores
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