What funny things have you heard at Mass? (Updated Title)
  • francis
    Posts: 10,668
    and he gathered the ewes

    and he gathered the EWEEZ
  • sbgreen3
    Posts: 1
    How about this one.......

    He did not shield his face from buffets (as in "all you can eat") and spitting..... ugh
  • ScottKChicago
    Posts: 349
    He did not shield his face from buffets (as in "all you can eat") and spitting..... ugh


    Fortunately it happened at a rehearsal, but the nervous or tired lector who had the line "he did not shield his face from shame and spitting" made it "he did not shield his face from spam and s***ing." The one who laughed loudest and longest at this was the oldest lady in the parish, who was a tenor in the choir. She said it was the funniest thing she had ever heard. :^\

    Glad it was a rehearsal, too, when a singer made the "the man whose peter...whose EAR Peter had cut off" mistake. The singer himself was the one who doubled over laughing. I'm not sure it was entirely a mistake.
  • M. Jackson Osborn
    Posts: 8,368
    An honest but amusing mispronunciation occured many years ago during the reading of Genesis: '...who told thee that thou wast neck-ed, uhm, nay-ked?'
  • Daniel Bennett PageDaniel Bennett Page
    Posts: 833
    We don't have non-liturgical readers in my parish, thankfully.
  • CHGiffenCHGiffen
    Posts: 5,151
    MJO ... from the state that gaves one President who called our country "uhMUHruka" (LBJ) and another that talked about "nukcueler" energy (GWB), I'm not surprised to hear "nekkid" - which is also prevalent in the southeastern states, too. I won't go into the wiscahnsin and minnesohtah accents up here - shure, yewbetcha! :)

    It wasn't at a service but rather a program at Holy Comforter Catholic Church in Charlottesville, Virginia, in which I was singing Christmas carols, including "The Holly and the Berry" - many years ago with the early music group Zephyrus. Various verses were taken by soloists in the group, and when it came to the verse taken by my dear, late tenor friend, he sang, "The holly bears a pickle" - which of course should have been "prickle" - and it was all the rest of us could do to keep from laughing and somehow manage to come in on the refrain.
    Thanked by 3PurpleSquirrel tomboysuze Heath
  • M. Jackson Osborn
    Posts: 8,368
    Yes, CHG, and as a child, during the singing of Silent Night, I always wondered what a 'rounyon virgin' was.

    And, in the Episcopal Church the lay readers always (in tandem with English custom) Anglicised all the Latin incipits by which canticles were announced. Thus we had for the Venite, the venightie exUltimuss Dahminoe, & cet.
    Thanked by 3Gavin CHGiffen ServiamScores
  • CindyCeciliaCindyCecilia
    Posts: 65
    Post-Communion hymn on Pentecost Sunday. "Creator Spirit by Whose Aid." Second verse became . . ."O Source of uncreated light, the Father's promised parasite . . .''

    Thanked by 5CHGiffen canadash marajoy Chris Allen tomboysuze
  • R J StoveR J Stove
    Posts: 302
    Some years ago, on Good Friday, we had at our local church "The veal [sic] of the temple was torn in two."

    This year, on Palm Sunday, we had a lector who had obviously been reared - one hesitates to say "grown up" - during the 1960s make several efforts, all unavailing, to pronounce the word "Iscariot." After about the sixth mispronunciation he abandoned the task and continued the sentence. Perhaps his ostensibly Catholic school had left him unaware of any villains in history except Hitler, Pinochet, Archbishop Lefebvre, Lee Harvey Oswald, and whoever it was who invented passive smoking.
  • BruceL
    Posts: 1,072
    We have a peculiar regionalism in east-central Missouri wherein people pronounce the "or" dipthong in a word like "Lord" as Lard (also, the interstate 44 becomes "farty-far"). We have a number of folks of older vintage who are very zealous in this pronunciation, leading to gems like, "Our hope is in the name of the Lard", or my favorite just recently heard, "Lard, you are our only hope!" It also, as you can imagine, sounds like "Talk like a Pirate Day" 24/7/365 here!

    On a more serious note, this regionalism seems to have made people have a lot of jaw tension, which I really have to watch with vowel blending in choral rehearsals!
  • Aristotle EsguerraAristotle Esguerra
    Posts: 1,185
    Nuptial Mass, First Reading:

    "This is why a man leaves his wife… {pause} This is why a man leaves his father and mother and joins himself to his wife"

    (appropriate disclaimer)
    Thanked by 6PurpleSquirrel AndrewK Chris Allen tomboysuze Casavant Organist ServiamScores
  • M. Jackson Osborn
    Posts: 8,368
    BruceL -
    Speaking of regionalisms, you must be familiar with the way Missourians pronounce Missouri 'Missouruh' to the great consternation of every one else who calls it Missourie and wants to know where 'Missouruh' is. (What part of Missouruh are you from? I was born in Springfield.)
  • CindyCeciliaCindyCecilia
    Posts: 65
    Okay - at a wedding this weekend - the priest, when praying the blessing, said "and may she be to you an insufferable companion . . . . " (I think he meant inseparable).
    Thanked by 2Gavin PurpleSquirrel
  • Mike R
    Posts: 106
    Worshiping the Lard has made its way across southern Illinois and Indiana as well.

    The most cringe-worthy one I have ever heard was not from a lector, but rather a (non-Catholic) choir. Each year growing up, a local television station had a Christmas special with various junior high and high school choirs each singing one song. One school choir did a song (which was rather grating on its own merit) called "Sing Hosanna," which repeated over and over again "Sing Hosanna...sing Hosanna...sing Hosanna...sing Alleluia...sing Alleluia." Of course, every single time, "Hosanna" was pronounced "Hoes Anna."
  • thwayitis
    Posts: 2
    ...and the Son of Man has no place to "way" his head (elmer fudd!)
    Thanked by 2expeditus1 francis
  • BruceL
    Posts: 1,072
    MJO, indeed: I think St. Louis is about the ONLY place in the state that doesn't do that!
  • GavinGavin
    Posts: 2,799
    Mike, I've found this pronunciation is VERY common with Lutherans.
  • PurpleSquirrelPurpleSquirrel
    Posts: 165
    I am laughing so hard, I'm crying....
    I SO needed this.
    Thanked by 1Casavant Organist
  • Charles in CenCA
    Posts: 2,416
    CindyCecilia, did the "insufferable" priest resemble Mr. Bean at all?
    Thanked by 2PurpleSquirrel tomboysuze
  • CindyCeciliaCindyCecilia
    Posts: 65
    lol. Charles, not in the least.
  • Spriggo
    Posts: 122
    I heard this today during the 1st reading - "My father was a wandering Armenian."
    Thanked by 2Aristotle Esguerra PurpleSquirrel
  • Mark P.
    Posts: 248
    "A readin' from the letter to TYY-tus" in the most country, Southern drawl with multiple diphthongs. The choir went into convulsions.
  • Andrew_Malton
    Posts: 1,159
    Spriggo: so did I!
    Thanked by 2Spriggo Casavant Organist
  • jpal
    Posts: 365
    Last Palm Sunday was a doozie. In the same passage (the end of the Gospel), the reader discussed "Mary the mother of the younger James and of José [Joses], and Slalom [Salome]," and then mentioned "Joseph of Armenia."
  • Jani
    Posts: 441
    We've had lots of the above examples, but my favorite comes from our deacon who, every year, proclaims Pilate to be the prock-tater, for procurator.
    Thanked by 2Liam CHGiffen
  • Steve QSteve Q
    Posts: 119
    Last week the Lord came to Jeremiah, telling him to "grid your loins". Sounds painful.
    Thanked by 2tomboysuze Heath
  • marajoymarajoy
    Posts: 781
    (at least it wasn't "grind your loins...")
    Thanked by 1Casavant Organist
  • Liam
    Posts: 4,945
    Spriggo

    Even better when it's "wondering Armenian."
    Thanked by 2Spriggo CHGiffen
  • TCJ
    Posts: 966
    A good share of the lectors where I work are constantly making errors, but I can't recall any specifically. Some of them make me want to laugh, some of them want to make me cry. I think some are easy mistakes to make, but some of them are just so wrong (and so common) it's obvious the lector is trying to read too fast. Still, I wish I could remember some of them because a lot of them really were funny.
  • CharlesW
    Posts: 11,934
    They took him first to Anus, because Anus was the father-in-law of Caiaphas...

    I hear this every year!
    Thanked by 1Heath
  • WiesOrganista
    Posts: 128
    Commentator: Our processional hymn is #xxx, "There's a Wilderness In God's Mercy"

    Organist: somehow played the entire hymn without once making eye contact with the choir, head down, tears running down my face, biting lip, red as a beet, actually had somebody come over to see if I needed medical attention.
    Thanked by 7tomboysuze CHGiffen ZacPB189 ZacPB189 Philothea futurefatherz Casavant Organist
  • ScottKChicago
    Posts: 349
    Lectors who pronounce prophesy as prophecy drive me crazy, even though it is sort of an understandable mistake in a way. "Prophecy to the bones!" makes no sense. It's PRAH-feh-sigh.
    Thanked by 3Aristotle Esguerra francis CHGiffen
  • tomboysuzetomboysuze
    Posts: 289
    So, Jesus was just being reprimanded by the instructor at his Pilates class? Love to hear the inner conversation of that reader. Hmmm, Punch-us Pilates...some new variation or what?

  • Liam
    Posts: 4,945
    Seefus is the customary Anglicized pronunciation. It's not wrong, in the English vernacular. It's just not Greek. Any more than the customary Anglicized pronunciation of Caesar is wrong, as English rather than Latin.
    Thanked by 4CharlesW ScottKChicago Adam Wood CHGiffen
  • JaredOstermann
    Posts: 483
    A couple of weeks ago, we were exhorted to "gird your lions" in the Jeremiah reading...
    sounds dangerous.

    And every year or so, we hear "lay prostate on the ground" instead of "lay prostrate"
    that also sounds dangerous.
    Thanked by 3CHGiffen tomboysuze Philothea
  • CharlesW
    Posts: 11,934
    And painful, kirchenmusik!
    Thanked by 1tomboysuze
  • fernandogilfernandogil
    Posts: 37
    Dóminum deprécemur instead of deprecémur.

    In spanish: tiene el poder de perdonar los pescados (Has the power to forgive the fishes) instead of tiene el poder de perdonar los pecados (the sins) haha
    Thanked by 5scholista gregp CHGiffen tomboysuze Casavant Organist
  • mahrt
    Posts: 517
    When I was a child, I thought I knew what "round yon virgin meant"--the round virgin over there, i.e., the pregnant

    I recently heard a lector announce a lesson from Collations; I wasn't sure whether he was aiming at Colossians or Galatians; perhaps he wasn't either..
    Thanked by 5Heath Jenny CHGiffen tomboysuze Casavant Organist
  • SalieriSalieri
    Posts: 3,177
    I rutinely hear about Epistles of St Paul to the Galoshes, but I can't find them in my Bible.

    Also Salmon for Salome.

    And in the choir in The Angel Grabriel from heaven came (Baring-Gould version) : "Most highly flavoured lady, gloria.
    Thanked by 4Spriggo CHGiffen tomboysuze Philothea
  • Unda_Maris
    Posts: 53
    I have two told to me by a music director friend in his parish:

    Cantor: "Please stand, and let us greet our celebrant with "Hail, Holy Queen".

    Cantor: (On feast of Christ the King): "Please stand and join in singing "Crown Him With Many Thorns."
    Thanked by 1ScottKChicago
  • MarkThompson
    Posts: 768
    I rutinely hear about Epistles of St Paul to the Galoshes, but I can't find them in my Bible.


    You'll find it right after the Letter of St. Paul to the Filipinos.
    Thanked by 4Salieri tomboysuze ZacPB189 Casavant Organist
  • Steve QSteve Q
    Posts: 119
    I am probably too easily amused, but maybe that comes from doing 4 masses a weekend and 5 for holy days.

    At both our vigil masses for the Feast of the Ascension today, the lectors read, "In the first book, Theophilus," as if "Theophilus" was the name of the book rather than the person being addressed.

    Maybe even less amusing was the pronunciation "Thee-Oh-Phyllis".
  • Andrew Motyka
    Posts: 944
    I had a funeral just the other day where the lector proclaimed, "For if in the eyes of men, indeed they be punished, yet is their hope full of immorality."

    Purgatory has changed since I was a kid...

    (This one was doubly hilarious since a funeral is a spectacularly inappropriate time to laugh at this.)
    Thanked by 2ZacPB189 tomboysuze
  • MHIMHI
    Posts: 324
    .
  • TCJ
    Posts: 966
    This past Sunday I heard some good ones, but the only one I remember was that "Cilicia" was changed to "Cecilia."
  • Chris Garton-Zavesky
    Posts: 6,902
    This Thursday is Ascension Day, a holiday of obligation. (Think thick Munich accent).
    Thanked by 1ZacPB189
  • bonniebede
    Posts: 756
    This week we had paul and silas and the goaler (instead of gaoler). I thought it might be a one time slip, but it was repeated throughout the lesson.

    Funny reading what some of you think of mispronunciations - things that sound right and normal to me. I think this thread needs some regional clarification tags.

  • Caleferink
    Posts: 429
    My face I did not shield from buffets (pronounced buff-EH as in smorgasbord) or spitting...
    Thanked by 1jpal
  • Caleferink
    Posts: 429
    @WiesOrganista How about "There's a Wildness in God's Mercy" (not once, but twice)
    Thanked by 1tomboysuze
  • Adam WoodAdam Wood
    Posts: 6,451
    There's a Wildness in God's Mercy

    So true, though...
    Thanked by 3CHGiffen Priestboi Casavant Organist
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