What funny things have you heard at Mass? (Updated Title)
  • tandrews
    Posts: 157
    We were working on the S. S. Wesley Anglican chant of Psalm 121 from Wyton's Anglican Chant psalter, and in front of a half dozen handmaids in the choir, I goofed and said "So that the nun shall not strike you by day."
  • Nor the novice mistress by night?
  • Lector once said: "A reading from the book of the prophet Exodus."

    Another said at the end of second reading: "The word be with you." ... Awkward pause followed by hesitant, "Thanks be to God."
  • mmeladirectress
    Posts: 1,075
    I didn't find this funny, but some of the choir sure did

    For Sacred Heart, I wrote out for my organist the musical cue for the beautiful Communion proper to the feast ("Unus militum")

    She played it, with all the accents on the wrong notes, and it came out sounding like "Camptown ladies sing this song"...
    sigh
    Thanked by 2Chrism KARU27
  • Is it common practice for pronunciations of words to adopt the ecclesiastical pronunciation of Latin, even when in English prose? 'AY-men', 'SIGH-rack' and 'GEE-zoo' &c. are all very traditional English pronunciations from before the 19th century. In the Anglican/Episcopal Church, 'AH-men' only overtook 'AY-men' within the last century. It still isn't a pronunciation recognised by the OED.
  • CatherineS
    Posts: 690
    Speaking of pronunciations, is Joachim (the father of the Virgin Mary, which I say Joe-ah-keem) really said "Joke-um" in American English??
  • chonakchonak
    Posts: 9,160
    I've never heard that, Catherine. Well, I'd consider it sloppy, but that's an opinion.

    For Steepleman: there are reasons for Catholics to have retained the Latin pronunciation of "Amen", and I suppose "Alleluia" as well.

    There is the long experience of having said and sung those words in the Latin context, which made them not only habitual, but also universal. They don't involve diphthongs, so they are more euphonious when sung, or even spoken, than the variants Steepleman cited.

    There is also the principle of ressourcement: after all, the liturgical reform was vaunted as connecting Catholics with the early Church; that would be a reason not to adopt pronunciations that perhaps arose with the late-medieval or Renaissance-era English church.

    I'd use them when singing Howells or RVW.

    Another angle: "Amen" was well-established among American Catholics in English-language devotional prayers long before the liturgy was put into English. Can Catholics with experience of the 1950s comment on whether one would hear "Ah-men" or "Ay-men" in a recitation of the rosary, or at a novena?
  • Schönbergian
    Posts: 1,063
    Gee-zoo is the English pronunciation of the English vocative, though, and using the Latin pronunciation for a work in English is simply incorrect.
    Thanked by 1GerardH
  • I heard nothing but 'Ah-men' and 'Ahl-le-lu-ia' when I was growing up in the Episcopal church. When I heard 'Ay-men', etc., I assumed that the speakers-singers were unlearned Baptists or some such. It is likely, though, that the variants of these words sung in England before the great vowel shift, and, for that matter, in every other country, was common due to the fact that Latin, in those days, was in every country pronounced according to the speech habits of that country. Erasmus of Rotterdam once complained that he could not understand Latin from one province to the next because everyone pronounced it according to his own tongue. There is a hold-over alive and well today in the Latin of English public schools and universities, which cultivate a highly Anglicised pronunciation which most today, accustomed to the Italianate 'church Latin', would consider to be somewhat eccentric. (But then, England is the happy home of the eccentric, is it not?) Anglicised Latin predominates also in the realms of science, biology, and law. In American schools and universities, though, teaching the 'classical' pronunciation of Caesar's and Cicero's time is the norm.

    For any who would like to hear what Latin sounded like in late mediaeval and renaissance England there is a magnificent recording by Paul McCreesh of the complete mass of Christmas day complete with plainchant (including the readings) and a polyphonic mass by Shepard, sung in pre-vowel shift English.

    It is fascinating to me how that linguists can reconstruct how particular languages were spoken in remote times past, as, for instance, as found in Siinging Early Music, edited by Timothy McGee.
    ____________________________________

    As for pronouncing words such as 'alleluia' and 'amen' in an English context, it is customary in our linguistic culture to pronounce words as they are pronounced in their native context. We pronounce (or try to pronounce) French words or phrases in our speech as would the French. No one, for instance, would pronounce chateaux by pronouncing the initial 'ch' as 'tch', nor pronounce the 'x' at the end of it. When pronouncing German, or Spanish, or Italian words we do our best to say them with their native pronunciation. So it is with 'Amen', which is a Latin word, and 'Alleluia', which is an Hebrew word. The same goes for 'Jesu', which is both a Latin word and an Old English word, being, as Schonbergian points out, the vocative form of 'Jesus' in Old English. Thus, 'Jesu' in an English context is pronounced 'Gee-soo', and in a Latin context, 'Yay-soo'.
  • "Ay-men" versus "ah-men" was covered early on in this discussion. The former is the traditional pronunciation among Catholics for spoken English prayers. Here's evidence from Boston and Chicago:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PyWu04Baljk

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DUEODk9Tvs0

    Fowler and Attwater concur that such was the case in England as well.
  • Richard MixRichard Mix
    Posts: 2,768
    No such thing now seems to happen when loading the JESU page, but it once had a tinkling broken glass noise that would make me first frown and then grin.
  • CatherineS
    Posts: 690
    So what about Pontius Pilate? In Brazil you say "PON-chee-us Pee-LAH-toe". In English I vaguely recall (from childhood midwestern US Sunday school maybe?) "PON-chus PIE (as in apple pie) -lut". Is there a guide to Biblical names/places and their appropriate pronunciations, or is it always a local cultural variation? Besides asking here my go-to resource would be to listen to homilies by American priests on Youtube, but that's where I heard "Joke-um" for Joachim, so who knows what I'll end up with.
  • I've always done Jee-syew in English for Jesu.

    Is-ray-elle vs. Is-rie-elle?
  • CHGiffenCHGiffen
    Posts: 5,151
    Or: Iz-rull?
    Thanked by 1mattebery
  • When I first read the name Melchizedek, I though it was pronounced Mel-chihz-eh-dehk with a ch like in cheese. Thankfully I learned the correct pronunciation before having to sing it a mass.
  • Elmar
    Posts: 500
    Melchizedek
    And what about the accentuation?
    German: Melchísedek
    Dutch: Melchisédek
    Hebrew: Melchisedék (?)
    Thanked by 1CHGiffen
  • a_f_hawkins
    Posts: 3,372
    "the Latin of English public schools and universities"
    Here at 3:30 : v-eye-vat reg-eye-na
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N2FBBb14em8
  • Related: Some versions of "Jerusalem, My Happy Home" contain the phrase, "There Mary sings Magnificat." Does one say mah-NYEE-fee-cot, mag-NIH-fih-cat, or something that's neither Church Latin nor fully Anglicized, such as mahg-NIH-fih-cot, which is actually what I typically hear in conversations about Vespers or Evensong among musicians.
  • Liam
    Posts: 4,945
    One sings that, and the difference is largely spackled in the doing, at least in a space with some resonance and enough people.
  • Speaking of the Magnificat, I have yet to hear any recording or live performance of Bach's Magnificat in which the third syllable ('-fi-') is audible. It always comes out 'Magni...cat'.
  • WGS
    Posts: 297
    MJO,

    Listen to the congregational response: "Holy Mary, Mother of God, Pray for us sinners now at the hour of our death."


    I don't hear an "and" either spoken or even implied, and there's really no space left for it.
  • CatherineS
    Posts: 690
    With the enthusiasm for 's' sounds in the regional Portuguese of Rio Our Lady is always 'full of graces' and Our Father is 'in the heavens' - unofficial plurals added by most folks when praying out loud.
    Thanked by 1madorganist
  • Our Father is 'in the heavens'

    Probably more faithful to the Latin and Greek - even if unintentionally so!
    Thanked by 1chonak
  • This was in an Episcopal church, but I think this story belongs here.

    It was the principal choral service on Easter Sunday morning. Church packed to the gills with everyone in their absolute best---gentlemen in fine suits, ladies in gorgeous outfits, beautifully dressed kids in tow. Sanctuary COVERED in flowers. We had sung our hearts out to "Jesus Christ is Ris'n Today" and drunk in the choir's exquisite performance of an anthem by Byrd.

    The celebrant, resplendent in gold vestments, had just broken the Communion wafer. In the Book of Common Prayer's rubrics, it says at this point, "A period of silence is kept." The wafer was held aloft.

    At that exact moment, from somewhere in the congregation, a small child's voice cried out, clear as anything:

    "I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO SEE THE EASTER BUNNY!"
  • ServiamScores
    Posts: 2,723
    Heard this recently (the second time I’ve heard it in real life)

    “O death, where is thy string?”
    Thanked by 1Jani
  • SalieriSalieri
    Posts: 3,177
    There's a certain person who leads the Rosary before Mass on Sundays, who doesn't do a good job of annunciating the 'M' at the beginning, each time it comes out sounding like "Hail Larry, full of grace..."
    Thanked by 1Jani
  • CharlesW
    Posts: 11,934
    I still get a kick hearing anus the high priest every year during Holy Week.
    Thanked by 2ServiamScores Jani
  • ServiamScores
    Posts: 2,723
    Nothing was as bad as the time I heard a deacon, reading for Christ say,

    "Into Thy hands, I condemn my spirit."

    I about fell out of the loft. (And I have no idea why he was reading for Christ and not the priest.)
    Thanked by 1CharlesW
  • Several years ago, I was serving Mass in my parish, and we had an orchestra which played during Mass. During the distribution of Holy Communion, they begun playing the main theme of Jurassic Park.
    If I were not assisting the priest at that moment, I would have laughed.
    Thanked by 1CharlesW
  • ServiamScores
    Posts: 2,723
    That’s pretty bad.
  • CatholicZ09
    Posts: 264
    Years ago, when I attended Mass on my college campus, we had a variety of readers with varying abilities. After the Prayer After Communion, one of the readers would go to the ambo and read any announcements for the week. This one week, reader said, "This coming Tuesday, join us for a spaghetti dinner at St. Andrew's Ep-is-co-pal Church." She read it exactly as I have hyphenated, to which I turned to my friend: "The protestants are dividing as we speak!"

    Another funny moment in college was when one of my friends and I stayed back during Holy Communion because we hadn't been to Confession. We looked at each other, and I said: "So, what are you in for?" We both lost it.
  • This Palm Sunday, the lector mispronounced buffets in the 1st reading...
    ... my face I did not shield from buffets (pronounced /bə-ˈfās/) and spitting.

  • Not at Mass, but this reminds me of hearing the Alto soloist at Messiah this past December sing "She was despised"... I'm not even exaggerating. I was there with three friends and all of us just lost it.
    Thanked by 1CHGiffen
  • CHGiffenCHGiffen
    Posts: 5,151
    Again, not at Mass, but at an oratorio performance, this time Mendelssohn's "Elijah": the great aria sung by Elijah which started out sounding distinctly like, "It is enough, O Lord now take away my wife."
  • Steve QSteve Q
    Posts: 119
    How's this for funny timing? Tonight at the Easter Vigil during the Service of Light, the beautiful and solemn procession arrived in the sanctuary, the darkness broken only by candlelight. Just as the deacon placed the paschal candle into its large candle stand, the dead silence was broken by someone's cell phone going off rather loudly. The ringtone was the Theme from Rocky! As the phone's owner scrambled to quickly turn it off, there was another brief moment of silence. But the large congregation couldn't hold it in...they spontaneously broke out into laughter as the pastor quipped, "Well, that sounded just about right."

    Later in his homily, he said, "As if right on cue, we heard the Theme from Rocky. But we have someone stronger than Rocky here, in our Lord Jesus Christ risen from the dead!"
  • A few ears ago, whilst playing the Vigil at UST's St Basil's Chapel the pascal candle was placed in its very large candle stick. No one noticed that it was leaning slightly to one side. Now the Organ is just next to it across the low wall of the choir area. As father was giving his homily the candle fell over choir divider and landed right on the organ, leaving me with hot wax all over my hands, and the organ with a spotted veneer of wax here and there on the keys. As the candle was set straight again very muffled chuckles made the rounds and fr. referred to it analogically in his homily and all was well. As will happen the following the next 2 or 3 years the homily made some mention of the floundering candle and a prayer that Jackson will not be struck by fire again.
  • Carol
    Posts: 849
    I had forgotten to ask this here, but some of the above comments reminded me.

    We went to hear a pretty good local choir sing excerpts from Handel's "Messiah" this past December but the choir wore masks while singing. One selection sounded as if they were singing "His bite is worse than his bark." (Or possibly bark worse than bite.) I still don't know what the lyrics actually are, as I have never sung the whole oratorio. It kept coming back to the line and once I pointed it out to my husband it became more and more difficult keep from snickering. Any guesses?
  • CHGiffenCHGiffen
    Posts: 5,151
    "His yoke is easy and his burden is light"?
    Thanked by 2Liam Carol
  • Liam
    Posts: 4,945
    Even maskless, and with good diction/direction, choral English (especially if accompanied) can sound like ... Russian (yes, that's the specific comparison I've heard many times over years) ... in a very resonant acoustic to layfolk who aren't given texts.
    Thanked by 1Carol
  • CharlesW
    Posts: 11,934
    Does anyone else remember the children's group singing "My Country tis of Thee" on a news report. When they put the microphones in front of individual kids they were singing gibberish. Collectively, it sounded like "My Country..."

    In college, the director told us when singing Messiah that if we couldn't remember words, sing, "bo do bo do bo do." He said the audience wouldn't know the difference on those melismatic passages.
    Thanked by 2Carol Salieri
  • Carol
    Posts: 849
    My question was much closer to Johnny Carson's "Stump the Band" bit than I ever thought it would be.
    Thanked by 1CharlesW
  • SalieriSalieri
    Posts: 3,177
    Thank you, Charles, now all I can think of is: "Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Boooo do bo do-bo-dooo bo do boooo Doo! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!"
    Thanked by 2CharlesW Carol
  • jcr
    Posts: 132
    I heard that a child in a Sunday School class (Presbyterian I believe), when assigned to draw a picture of the nativity scene had the teacher say, "Well, now I see the Virgin Mary, some kings, some animals, the baby Jesus , now who is this big fellow over here?" To which the child replied, "O, that's Round John Virgin."
    Thanked by 2CHGiffen Jani
  • ServiamScores
    Posts: 2,723
    Not something funny from Mass, but catholic humor all the same:

    I grew up in Toledo, OH. Just about every Friday when I was growing up, our family tradition was to drive up to Adrian, MI to go to our favorite Mexican restaurant (El Chapulin). As this was a 30-35 minute drive, we would always say a rosary together in the car on the way.

    Now, imagine me, a small child, sitting in the back seat of the car with highway/country road noise. Whenever we got to the Salve Regina, in place of "to Thee, do we cry, poor banished children of Eve..." my child's brain heard "Toledo, we cry, poor banished children of Eve..."and I just assumed that everyone plopped in the name of their own city/town when they said the prayer. You know, "Detroit, we cry..." etc. It was a few years before I was disabused of this humorous little misunderstanding. I still chuckle about it all these years later. I can only imagine it made Our Lady chuckle too.
  • My favorite typo comes to mind every year on Ash Wednesday:

    ”Remember: you are butt dust, and to dust you shall return!”
    Thanked by 1tandrews
  • francis
    Posts: 10,668
    O MY!