When the joy is gone
  • monahartselle
    Posts: 2
    After nearly 50 years of church musicianship, paid and volunteer, I left music ministry at my parish. I was not director or accompanist at this point, but a cantor. The volunteer environment had become toxic, and despite reducing my role in the ministry and communicating with both the director and the pastor, I could not resolve the stress I was feeling. So for the first time in a long time, I am singing in the pews and finding myself very conspicuous indeed. I care very much about sacred music still and sing during mass. I am wondering if anyone in this forum has experienced anything like this and how you handled it.
    Thanked by 4Verbum_Gloriae Charles CHGiffen Roborgelmeister
  • NoahLovinsNoahLovins
    Posts: 7
    More or less. I had been a cantor in our schola for 5 and half years, before I was dating my wife. During that time, I had learned so much, and watched the schola evolve and grow into a great brotherhood. I even began teaching private students how to chant. But also during that time, I got married and had a bunch of kids. My options were either go with them to the Low Mass (where they will grow up thinking a Mass with no singing is the default, not what I want for them), or have them come to the high Mass but only let my wife keep track of the while I go sing. Neither option was ideal, so I ultimately left our schola to be in the pews with my wife and kids during the liturgy.
    Thanked by 4Verbum_Gloriae hilluminar CHGiffen Abbysmum
  • irishtenoririshtenor
    Posts: 1,432
    I only occasionally participate in the sacred music at our parish now. I used to direct choir, play organ, cantor, etc. Now with a pew full of children, my wife needs my support on a weekly basis. I'll be back in the choir loft eventually, but now this is all I can do. If they are really hard up for an organist or cantor, I'll do it, but not at the Mass my family and I regularly attend.
    Thanked by 4Verbum_Gloriae hilluminar CHGiffen Abbysmum
  • janetgorbitzjanetgorbitz
    Posts: 960
    I had a similar situation when my children were small. My husband travelled for his work a lot on weekends, so I was wrangling the kids on my own whenever he was gone. I couldn't possibly commit to singing with a choir during those times.

    Also, there were occasions along the many places we lived where the parish was great, but the music not so much. For various reasons we stayed at parishes where this was the case from time to time. No way I would sing with some of the groups due to either repertory choices or the quality of singing, etc.

    It's not all bad to sing from the pews and give the people around you implied permission to do the same!
    Thanked by 1hilluminar
  • CharlesCharles
    Posts: 17
    Like others on this forum, my involvement in ministry is much smaller than it once was.
    Mind you, I am just 18, so my experience was one characterized by ageism in the choir loft.

    Every Sunday, when I go to my usual parish worship site for mass, I think about "what could have been" with the music ministry.

    But, it is better to leave a toxic environment than to persist in it and lose one's state of grace. Day after day, I would get so internally upset with the poor leadership, and antagonism to sacred music from the pastor, that stress continued to grow and grow. Back in May last year, I said "enough!" And so, retired my post as organist/pianist/cantor/psalmist.

    In my short, rural experience of music in Catholic liturgy, it's not something worth losing your sanity over. I realize our experiences differ, as I am just beginning my musical career and can "play the waiting game", but I empathize with your decision to leave your parish's music ministry.
    Thanked by 1hilluminar
  • CharlesCharles
    Posts: 17
    @monahartselle
    To respond to your last line, prayer is always wonderful for overcoming any challenging situation. Ask God to help relieve your stress, ask Him to open the minds of those choir members who were difficult, and pray that He gives you the strength to return and lead the choir in the future, should that precise situation arise, and you are inclined to it.

    For the music side of the situation, remain prudent. If you are aware that a hymn is doctrinally false, or that the music is not giving the Holy Mass full dignity, offer it up to God. Don't force yourself to sing if it damages your appreciation for the sacred.

    At a diocesan men's retreat I attended last weekend, with a congregation of nearly 500, the song, "Bread of Life" by Rory Cooney was sung at communion. Most of us here would never use that at mass (or ever), but instead of losing my inner peace by bashing on the poor music decision, I said a quick Ave Maria and called it a day.

    May God give you the grace to continue in peace.
    Thanked by 1hilluminar
  • CharlesW
    Posts: 12,066
    I retired from church music because of toxic people, not the music. I decided the pay was too small and the working hours too great to put up with it any longer. Never been happier.
    Thanked by 4CHGiffen Charles Roborgelmeister tomjaw
  • francis
    Posts: 11,310
    @CharlesW

    Reminds me of the ole adage…

    Lord, I truly do love your church! It’s the people I can’t stand.
    Thanked by 2tomjaw CharlesW
  • RoborgelmeisterRoborgelmeister
    Posts: 364
    I retired from church music because of toxic people, not the music. I decided the pay was too small and the working hours too great to put up with it any longer. Never been happier.

    I wouldn't say that I've never been happier, but I find early rising to be particularly difficult. And arthritis in my thumbs and knees, and loose ligaments in my left ankle... so much for my organ recital! I took a year off, and then decided that I was done, for good. I was asked to play in the annual Bach recital, and I laughed. I think folks didn't know what to think. I have, after all, been highly involved for 50+ years!The local chapter of the AGO is finding that there is a huge surplus of organ music that has no where to go, as my contemporaries are retiring too! Health and age. The spirit is willing, but...
    Thanked by 1CharlesW
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