On the lighter side
  • My organist called to ask if I'd like to hear a new piece she had been working on.
    Me: Sure. Bach, probably? It's always Bach.
    Organist: It's not *always* Bach.
    Me: OK, it's not *always* Bach. But it's Offenbach.
  • (Rim shot.)
    Thanked by 1Carol
  • CHGiffenCHGiffen
    Posts: 5,103
    Gone Chopin. Bach soon. Offenbach sooner.
  • What did Bach have for a midday repast?
    Why, a Bach's lunch, of course.

    We could never have guessed the Sequence of events that awaited us upon rising from our Nocturn-al repose. We began our day with a Positivly Swell breakfast, and then did some work in our Beet Garden, which turned out to be a lot of Treble. So, after Fiddling around for a while, having a Longa conversation on the 'phone with Clara Net, who was her usual Mordent self, then reading a Libretto by a friend of ours who was a Major in the marines (we really had a Time deciphering his Signature), we went Chopin at Tomkins's emporium on Regent Square and bought a couple of Brahms to sweep the Bach porch with. There was also some Byrd seed on our Liszt - and a bottle of Cliquot's Mixture which Mimi takes to keep her voice from Quavering. While Part of the way home we saw three little boys Messiaen around and playing Haydn seek in the park. One of them was not as Tallis the others, somewhat sMahler, actually, but that seemed a Relatively Minor factor in their apparent Unison of spirits. Leaving this jocund little Triad, we crossed over the Greene Bridge and had veritable Transports de Joie as we listened to the Water making Music as it gurgled over the little stones and pebbles in the brook below. We then stopped at Monteverdi's for luncheon, where the music was delightful, Fiori Musicali one might say. Eschewing the stuffed Krebs, we each had Shephard's pie (and left not a Crumb), topped off with orange Schubert for dessert - and Wolfgang (he Howells at the slightest little thing) was fit to be Tyed (and, not at all Well Tempered, he Flat out let us know it in a Mean-tone) when told that we might fly out of Britten for the week-end, maybe to St Gall, if we could think of a good Raison. We thought, though, that we both should visit the Barber on Duke Street before leaving because our Harris was getting sort of long and in need of, shall we say, Diminution - plus, George's Handel-bar mustache was rather badly Augmented and needed to be Diminished in order for it to be Perfect. All told, we had a d'Indy time but needed a Rest, made all the more pleasurable with a Fifth of Bordon, though I would prefer a gin and Tonic. Oh, and everywhere we went people were talking about the Crotchety old man (he was of no Note and not very Sharp) who fell off a Clef and lived to tell about it. Fortunatusly, his injuries were Minim-al, for which he gave a Measure of thanks. But for such luck he could well have been up a Grieg without a paddle.
  • CHGiffenCHGiffen
    Posts: 5,103
    There was (and perhaps still is, not sure) a free (donations accepted) noon-time late spring concert series at Christ Church Episcopal (Charlottesville). mostly of Renaissance & Baroque music that was called Bach's Lunch. And there were light lunches sold in a box (Bach's lunches) that could be purchased, if I recall correctly. I attended several and sang in a few of them, approximately 20 years ago.
  • francis
    Posts: 10,474
    415 x 540 - 17K
  • Carol
    Posts: 823
    Our local classical station has a noon time program daily called "Bach's Lunch."
  • mmeladirectress
    Posts: 1,037
    (with thanks to Andrew Leung on ccwatershed)

    Prayer of Confession for Choir Members
    Almighty and most merciful Conductor,
    we have erred and strayed from thy beat like lost sheep;
    we have followed too much the intonations and tempi of our own hearts.
    we have offended against thy dynamic markings.
    we have left unsung those notes that we ought to have sung,
    and we have sung those notes that we ought not to have sung,
    and there is no support in us.

    But thou, O Conductor, have mercy upon us, miserable singers;
    succor the chorally challenged;
    restore them that need sectionals;
    spare thou them that have no pencils.
    pardon our mistakes, and have faith that hereafter we will follow
    thy directions and sing together in perfect harmony.
  • That's priceless, Madame!
    'All we, like sheep, have gone [similarly] astray, and there is no health in us.'
    Thanked by 1Incardination
  • CHGiffenCHGiffen
    Posts: 5,103
    @Carol ... For years Christ Church (Episcopal) Charlottesville had (perhaps still has) a program of noon-time concerts called Bach's Lunch, and I sang at a few of them when I lived there.
    Thanked by 1Liam
  • So it's almost Thanksgiving, with a much bigger holiday just over the horizon

    I was swapping low carb recipes with my brother and he sent me this (not a recipe, but it made me smile).
  • Carol
    Posts: 823
    I had a friend who called those appetizers crud ites, with a long i. I also have an acquaintance who says caraf ee for a thermos pitcher. I gave myself great credit for outgrowing my grade school "know-it-all" disease and refrained from correcting them.
    Thanked by 2CharlesW CHGiffen
  • CharlesW
    Posts: 11,891
    Carol, is that Franch? To us natives it's a coffee pot. Since the Nativity Fast begins soon in the Eastern churches, better enjoy those inedible goodies while you can.
    Thanked by 2bhcordova Carol
  • Below is an old post from 2014.
    The following was sent to me by a cantor friend. Perhaps it should be entitled, "How Many Musical Puns Can be Squeezed Into an Octave." Whether you chuckle or groan as you read the material below is entirely up to you.
    So a C, an E-flat, and a G walk into a bar….

    The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.” So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

    Then a D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me, I’ll just be a second.” Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-Flat hiding at the end of the bar and says. “Get out! You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight.”

    E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, “You’re looking exceptionally sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development.” Sure enough E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.

    Eventually C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

    The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he’s only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and every thing else has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.
  • Spotted somewhere the other day -

    Do not weep for me.
    I am going to where music is made.

    J.S. Bach to his wife, on his deathbed.
  • MJO, that is beautiful!
    Thanked by 1M. Jackson Osborn
  • How do church musicians plan a party?

    They ORGANize it.

    I sorry. I'll leave now. :)
  • francis
    Posts: 10,474
    Yes they are the PRINCIPAL ORGANizers. (:/)
  • The real question is: would the party be a SWELL time?
  • our church organist will invite the great, the swell.... and the choir.
  • I think that it would be Celest-ial -
    especially if someone was playing a Gamba -
    and the neighbours didn't put a Stop to it.
    (But I suppose that if they were really unhappy about it we could Console them.)
  • francis
    Posts: 10,474
    I am BELLOWING with laughter concerning the OVERTURES on this subject.
  • Well, Francis, what with the Resultant fatigue, you must surely have plenty of Wind Pressure if you are indeed Bellowing with laughter.
  • francis
    Posts: 10,474
    Well, MJO, that is the 64 FOOT predicament in my opinion.

    I have a very uneasy MIXTURE of feelings about this whole thing... it has greatly upset my digestive DIVISION, and just makes me want to SPITZ FLUTES! It is time for me to take ACTION and put a STOP to all of you... you... OVERBLOWN ... WIND GENERATOR!

    It is far beyond time to SHUTTER you up...

    Your in a real CIPHER now!;

    I may have to remove your VOX HUMANA!

    Please... STOP PEDALING this nonsense or you will be CANCELed once for all... you.. you,,,

    ...BLOKFLOTE. (And that includes the umlaut, for heavens sake).

    Do you alway have to be so ELECTROPNEUMATIC?

    Get off your SIMULACRUM, ditch the FACADE and face me like a MAN(ual).

    How can you be so RANK?

    Do I detect a TREMELO in your knees?

    Let’s DUET!

    BOMBARDES away!!!!
  • CHGiffenCHGiffen
    Posts: 5,103
    Re: "IMITATION of scholarship." — I thought it might well be: "MUTATION of scholarship."

    There! I got that off my CHEST.

    Not sure that SECOND BASS is appropriate at a church musicians' party, though.

    And beware the TENOR (twelve) bringing open FIFTHs.
  • To be perfectly FRANCK, what a RANK abuse of our noble musical patois all this OVERBLOWN humour, this MIXTURE of scholarship and comedy, is. There is no FOUNDATION for it, and nothing at all REGAL about it. Terrible, really terrible. Bach (and, nay, Schnitger himsel!) would, if they got WIND of it, no doubt grab us by the COLLAR and lose their TEMPERAMENT over it; and we?, we would have nary a FOOT to stand on - why we would be like unto a VOX TERRIBILIS that hadn't been VOICED or had a MEAN TONE. Shame, shame! Oh, and I FAGOT to mention the RESULTANT disgrace brought upon our noble profession by the PEDALING of all these SIMULACRA of what would be scholarly jesting. Was it such BASS VIOLence to HARMONY in XIXth century Russia?? Shame, and shame again! (Now I need a gin and TONIC!)
  • Oh no. What did I start?
    Thanked by 1CharlesW
  • CharlesW
    Posts: 11,891
    You will find we all have a strong sense of, and appreciation for, mischief. LOL.
  • francis
    Posts: 10,474
    The FINALE
  • Did you hear about the organ with four manuals but no diapasons? It was a Bourdon to play.
  • thanks, I needed a smile today!
  • We haave all been INSTRUMENTAL in this cleverity of double entendres and word play, some of it as charming as a ROSIGNOL; but I've have GRADUALly lost TRACT of what has and hasn't been punned, and it's getting more difficult to CHORALate sense and nonsense, an effort which has become more or less LANGUID. So, it may be best to CANCEL any further strained HUMORESQUE offerings that will just make people GRAUN. Plus, if we were LOKI, they wouldn't shoot us with TALLIS' CANON.... or slap us with a hefty FINE.

    O may this be the last in this exhausted series of musical double talk - the series, not the thread.
  • mmeladirectress, you're welcome. I'm glad there are people who find my dumb puns entertaining. I should add that I didn't write that last one, I'm just passing it on.

    MJO, as long as there are musicians there will be dumb music jokes.
    Thanked by 2Carol CHGiffen
  • Liam
    Posts: 4,830
    How do you get your organist to sound like the horn section?

    Have him/her miss every other note.
  • Liam, I always thought that is how you sounded like the tenors not the horns.
  • Liam
    Posts: 4,830
    That would certainly be the case if one forced baritones to sing tenor (whether deliberately or by assuming away the reality of baritones because they don't fit SATB assumptions) ...
  • bhcordovabhcordova
    Posts: 1,142
    How about forcing a bass to sing alto? I was a member of a group that was formed to sing at a remembrance service. The music director of the church divided the group into sopranos, altos, and tenors. She had the tenor part higher than the altos. Here I am a bass trying to sing in the alto range! Wasn't fun.
    Thanked by 1Liam
  • Liam, very true. I'm a baritone, but a lower baritone (but not low enough for bass), so I've never had to sing tenor. I know baritones that have and they don't like it. My original intention was just to make a tenor joke (like how orchestras make fun of violas and band make fun of percussionists).

    bhcordova, that sounds horrible. I've had to sing in that range when I was volunteering with a children's choir and helping with rehearsals. It was falsetto the whole time. Not the best singing I've ever done.
    Thanked by 1Liam
  • Liam
    Posts: 4,830
    I get it. Just my periodic occasion to wonder if choral music professors ever drill it into the heads of their students that most voices they will encounter in their amateur choirs will be mezzos and baritones, and that those voices won't neatly separate into SATB without sacrificing quality, as it were, so choose repertoire that exposes that reality very carefully.
  • The demands of choral tenor parts are usually within the baritone compass, but neither amateur baritones or tenors have the necessary technique to reach those notes properly anyways. I don't know about mezzi.
  • The pastor walks into the choir rehearsal while they are practicing the introit. He asks the choir director: "What are you doing?" The choir director replies: "Nothing out of the Ordinary."
    Thanked by 2CHGiffen Drake
  • CHGiffenCHGiffen
    Posts: 5,103
    Give an example of a diminished fifth: a bottle of Absolut (or Jack Daniels, or Glenfiddich) after it's been passed around the Bass section.

    How do you fix a flat? Tell the Tenors it's a natural.

    Give an example of a harmonic minor second: two Altos singing in unison.

    How do you eliminate vibrato singing? Send the Sopranos home.

  • „a harmonic minor second: two Altos singing in unison.“....if there was a button to express my laughter at this, I would push it.
    Thanked by 1CHGiffen
  • Arrgghhh!
    People who keep untidy choir folders in which are to be found a variety of anthems stuffed in messily that were done weeks if not months ago, kleenex, hair nets, hair pins, lace head coverings, a variety of ball points, none of which have ink in them, a number of chewed up pencils with broken points, combs, wrinkled up note pads, scraps of paper, etc, etc., etc., and who knows what can be dredged from the bottom of the pockets, and can never find anything in less than five minutes.

    I long long ago instituted a folder cleansing ritual every month or so, by which nothing is allowed in folders except the coming week's music on the left side of the folder, other music in rehearsal on the right side, and a pencil. I prefer the Col-erase carmine red (which can be erased), which I issue with an attached pencil clip to keep it in place when not in use. This regimen is guaranteed to result in a more orderly rehearsal and eliminate 'I don't have thats' and 'I can't find its'.
  • bhcordovabhcordova
    Posts: 1,142
    I don't like to use red pencils when marking up my music. It is very hard to erase if you need to make changes to the markings. But, I do prefer a hexagonal pencil to a round one. The hexagonal shape doesn't roll on the music stand.
  • I'm a mechanical pencil guy.
  • Drake
    Posts: 209
    Alright, I didn't intend for this to rhyme at first, since I was just going to comment on binders of music, pencils, and the app I use, but it did rhyme so ... on a thread for lighter fare ...


    As my choir binder grew and grew,
    and I was losing track,
    I switched over to an iPad new,
    running my Forzando app.
    Now all the scores are in their place,
    alphabetized, or in a space,
    where easily I find them.

    To mark them up, I with handy stylus trace,
    and quickly errant notes or entire lines erase.
    "Crescendo here!" "Fermata there!"
    Now I can without despair,
    Annotate and then repair
    My score at the director's whim.
  • Carol
    Posts: 823
    Directors have whims?
  • Some have whims -
    others have tantrums.
    Those who really know what they are doing and are in control have neither.
    Thanked by 2Carol CHGiffen
  • bhcordovabhcordova
    Posts: 1,142
    So, all of them have either whims or tantrums! :)