@trowland87 - You have described what I think is one of the greatest crosses of life as a full time parish musician. I have worked for parishes full time for about fifteen years, and am the mother of six children, ranging from 3-14. My husband has taken the kids to Mass on his own for basically their entire lives. It is not easy. You said your children are ages 6, 3, and 2, which is incredibly difficult. It does get easier! Now that my kids are older, I have one who serves every Mass and three who sing in the choir with me every week, which is a huge blessing. My husband has the 5 and 3 yr old in the pew with him. Occasionally I have the 5 year old in the loft with me.

My best advice would be to find a friend or parishioner, preferably the grandma type, who is willing to sit with your wife and kids during Mass. I had one baby (#5) who was particularly difficult, and I would bring him to work with me on Saturday nights. A friend of mine would show up early to Mass and hold him in the pew.

We have one spoken Mass at my parish on Sundays, and my husband will sometimes go to this one on his own and I will take the older 5 kids to the sung Mass right after (but we live 2 minutes from church, which makes this possible).

"I say that devotion must be practiced in different ways by the nobleman and by the working man, by the servant and by the prince, by the widow, by the unmarried girl and by the married woman. But even this distinction is not sufficient; for the practice of devotion must be adapted to the strength, to the occupation and to the duties of each one in particular.

Tell me, please, my Philothea, whether it is proper for a bishop to want to lead a solitary life like a Carthusian; or for married people to be no more concerned than a Capuchin about increasing their income; or for a working man to spend his whole day in church like a religious; or on the other hand for a religious to be constantly exposed like a bishop to all the events and circumstances that bear on the needs of our neighbor. Is not this sort of devotion ridiculous, unorganized and intolerable? Yet this absurd error occurs very frequently, but in no way does true devotion, my Philothea, destroy anything at all. On the contrary, it perfects and fulfills all things. In fact if it ever works against, or is inimical to, anyone’s legitimate station and calling, then it is very definitely false devotion...the type of devotion which is purely contemplative, monastic and religious can certainly not be exercised in these sorts of stations and occupations, but besides this threefold type of devotion, there are many others fit for perfecting those who live in a secular state.

Therefore, in whatever situations we happen to be, we can and we must aspire to the life of perfection."

Saint Francis de Sales

All I can say is - thank God I'm not alone in this!

Actually, I can say a bit more. :)

Networking with your church friends, especially your choir friends, can be a good idea. A substantial amount of our TLM choir comprises of young parents; a lot of times, both the moms AND the dads are up in the loft singing. If we have parents that need to nip down to tag out their significant other in caring for a child, it's understood and we're ready to fill in for them until such time they can make it back up. It takes a village. And it's really a growth for grace and charity.

From the toddler aspect, try to give your little one enough space to wiggle - while at the same time starting to plant seeds of reverence. That's our case, because we have a one-hour trip each way and church usually happens during ideal nap time for us. Our little two-year-old Hobgoblin loves the cry room, but it can get crowded and stifling in there at times, and she has a habit of terrorizing or being a bad influence on the young lads in there. So, we take her up to the loft for a spell, so she can sing with Mommy and Daddy, and sometimes she wanders a bit and picks up the choir-books and spills her Cheerios all over the kneelers. A nuisance? Perhaps. But she also gets to interact with the musicians, and she gets a taste of what we're doing and why we're doing it. Sort of an early musical apprenticeship, if only for a few minutes at a time.

Finally - and I'm sure you're doing this, but you can never do it enough - tell your husband/wife that you love them and appreciate what they do. Be a shoulder for them to cry on, if necessary.

Recent anecdote somewhat summing all of these ideas up: We are eating sandwiches out of the back of our car after Mass. Wife, who is a saintly Wesleyan, is upset and I can tell. I ask her what is wrong and give her free rein to vent. Tearfully, she recounts how our Little Toad was testing the acoustics of the cry room at the most recent Mass with her fortissimo 'rendition' of the Queen of the Night aria, and pestering a young man with grapes until the boy's mother took him out of the room, and how she felt judged. I told her that most parents at a Latin Mass can sympathize about dealing with unruly kids, and if not, then to Hell with them. My Alto Section leader and her Bass husband walk by after this, and comment on what a good idea our lunch was; Mr. Bass recommends we all have a picnic at the local park next week so we can socialize and our littles can run off some energy. That was a good day.

I'm in the same boat (FT director 30 minutes from parish), except with one almost 2 year old.

My wife almost always attends Mass with me in the choir loft, either at 5pm at a different parish (where I'm playing to make extra money) or at 11am (my third Mass on Sunday, and one that is not a high Mass). I can offer help when I am not playing/directing the choir (especially Gospel/Homily/Creed/Intercessions), and we always kneel together at the appropriate times with our little one between us. My daughter sometimes plays alone when my wife wants to join the professional quartet that sings that Mass for a piece or two.

That way she at least gets a little break during the mass and can listen to the Gospel/Homily.

Not perfect, and I don't know how scaleable it is for more kids, but it's a heck of a lot better than going to different Masses (she started by going with her parents, which afforded her more help but spiritually separated our worship because they go to a different parish).

Daily Mass has been pretty much impossible for us too.

You have described what I think is one of the greatest crosses of life as a full time parish musician.

Indeed it is. I'm a father of four, and I repeatedly remind people around church that "if you appreciate what I do even a little, please be sure to tell my wife; I couldn't do what I do, if she wasn't doing what she does." She completely holds down the fort. I'm going into Friday, having already worked 50 hours this week. And I have a wedding, a special holy hour with the bishop, and a confirmation, in addition to my regularly scheduled 4 masses. Granted, this week is atypical, but only to a point. This happens multiple times per year.

My wife brings the kids to the "choir mass" and even though I have a loft full of singers, I go downstairs during the homily to take either the baby or the 3yo to afford my wife at least a little relief during mass. But she has to do the whole morning routine and getting them up and out the door to mass by herself. She also has to do dinner and all of bath/bed time all alone on choir nights. It's a big burden for her to bear, and it weighs on me emotionally.

I honestly don't think that big parish / cathedral jobs are conducive to family life. Multiple late evenings per week, no true weekends off, etc. etc. I've literally missed family trips because I had to play for Mass. Or there is a 3 or 4 day weekend, and people go to Mackinaw or whatever, and we can never do that... because I have to be home and play for Mass. We cannot go to the zoo on a Saturday, because I have to be back in time to shower and get over to church and... you guessed it: play for Mass.

Heck-- even having Saturdays would be such a God-send. Just make anticipated masses low/spoken masses. That alone would do wonders for my mental health, and many others' as well, I'm sure.

Our vicar general wants one Mass on Saturday evenings per deanery. We do not have one at all. Our special Saturday Masses are rare and are now 10 AM. Yes, we have weddings, but if we had a DM, we could delegate some/most of that. Now we have Vespers for most of the year, but only one Sunday Mass. It’s still a lot of work! I know someone who taught nights so as to help with the school runs (homeschooling?) and cooking. He was a professor, not a musician, but it’s similar in that so much work is up to you to do, and he had to travel when he was maxing out his bonus for writing and getting papers published.

I know people who wind up having church things on their day off. This means working twelve days in a row when all is said and done. (It didn’t quite make sense but I trust that it was accurate.)

I wish that our loft was secured. That is, I am not advocating for anything goes with children, but a Catholic choir needs to be reasonably accommodating of parents, and our loft is already too small. It also has a low railing that was not fixed because that was extra money to spend. We have a singer who can only sing about 1/2 time but sang with a major church ensemble before moving here and has a degree, about a decade of experience etc. She has small kids. The loft is small with only one entrance (my old parish had a large loft with a double staircase) so this is already a challenge. I have told the parents that handoffs and nursing can occur by the staircase but they simply can’t leave that corner for safety reasons. Older kids are simply banned, and I will have to watch preschoolers attentively.

I wonder, if one day a week, your wife could go to mass on her own and you stay with the children and shift your work schedule.

There is a fellow in my choir who is expecting baby #2 and I want to tell him to just stay with his wife. It's just too much for them and their daughter is a handful.