why not simply put: 'a situation has arisen that sadly I am no longer able to sustain' or something like that? that's true

Dixit_Dominus_44 and CharlesW, thank you. You've given me some useful ideas on the wording of my resignation.

I would frame your communications with the congregation and choirs in terms of setting out for greener pastures. Everyone understands the desire to retire. Likewise, the need to switch careers, if that's what you're doing.

Regarding giving a long notice, I would strongly advise you not to. Seriously, give a two week notice on Easter Monday. It might be ok to give a longer notice if the pastor were trusted, but in this situation, as things are, I would not risk missing Holy Week. I take it that is important to you.

I understand the reason for giving a longer notice, to allow for adjustment and replacement, but I've seen too many weird things happen when people are generous and responsible in that way.

Then if he asks you to stay a few weeks longer, you can graciously do that if you choose.

Retirement is good. I have done it four times.

You're most welcome! I will be praying for you, your family, and your parish during this delicate time. God bless.

TimTheEnchanter, CharlesW, Dixit_Dominus_44, and Kathy, you've been more help than you could ever imagine. I appreciate you taking time to offer suggestions very much. I think I have a plan now.

I imagine it is hard for all of us who "serve and help others" to find ourselves cornered into a position to "help ourselves" for the sake of our health and the welfare of our families.

"Oh what tangled webs we weave" trying to be nice to everyone but ourselves! ;-)

To my knowledge, parishioners have not left the parish because of the new pastor, with the exception of some ministry volunteers and staff members. He is quite charming in public but can get quite sharp-tongued behind closed doors. I've been reading up on "narcissistic personality disorder" and he fits the bill.

He is "Fr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde."

Our liturgy director and I cannot get an appointment with the pastor to discuss liturgy matters without 3-week notice, scheduled only through the parish office manager. If we text, phone or email him, he refers us to the office. This is not a large parish.

It's not always been smooth sailing with pastors in the past, but it worked well because those pastors communicated and met with us. We all discussed and planned and shared the work together. This pastor creates chaos and confusion then blames others for the inevitable failures.

He has put the parish in a very sad state of affairs.

I am sharing these details trusting that this conversation may be helpful to others in my situation if they find this thread in the future.

Dixit Dominus, I would say that is what distinguishes a true church musician from someone who plays at church: to want to give God the best music possible, not just playing because there should be music. Church musicians perform for the glory of God and not for themselves.

ParishMusicDirector, I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Those of us who work on the inside of the Church see many things that others don't. One note to what you said: the accounting issue is quite serious. You may want to report that to the diocesan finance director. The books are never something that should be kept that secret between two people. (I'm an accountant in addition to being a church musician).

"Text messages, phone calls and emails to him are answered with, "book an appointment through the office."

That is definitely not OK. His PRIMARY duty as a priest is the holy liturgy. I have a standing appt. with my pastor every week and we often text about various things every day. I can't imagine being in the position you describe!

All I can say is that the Devil likes to sow division, so storming out in a blaze of fury to embarrass the pastor will not do any good in the long-run. (You clearly aren't interested in this as indicated in your OP, but let the devil tempt you after a bad meeting...) I suspect that anyone with eyes to see will realize what's going on (especially the people in ministry to whom you've confided and are likely closest) and anyone who cares to know the truth will find out. Let him be the cause of his own scandal, that way your conscience is clean. I say this knowing full-well how difficult it would be. I don't think that it is unreasonable for you to admit to anyone who is persistent that "your working relationship with the pastor simply isn't tenable, you don't want to go into specifics, but you've simply come to the conclusion that you can no longer work this way." That is not defamatory in any way, and is a simple telling of the truth of the matter.

Regarding Kathy's advice, this also appears sound to me, assuming you can stomach the prospect. If he's not interested in meeting with you, and makes you jump through unnecessary hoops to do so, then you could indeed just go about your business and throw it right back on him if he's suddenly displeased with a liturgical decision with which he had previously taken no interest. It's an interesting and not unreasonable option.

What bhcordova said. Unlike parish councils, finance councils are mandated by canon law. Not having one is a very bad sign, and something that I think the bishop would/should be concerned about were it brought to his attention. If he is driving off staff to free up money, the absence of a finance council suggests that it may not be being spent on appropriate things. I hate to cast suspicion on the basis of cursory knowledge, but I've seen enough to think this is worrisome.

Not making light of your situation but don't be like that 300-pound soprano I saw in an opera who wasted away from TB through 4 acts. Give a couple of weeks notice and leave.

Liam,

When Canon 915 is enforced, other canons will be enforced. In the meantime, it's quite likely that the bishop not only knows about the situation, but even approves.

Getting back to my original question, "Any suggestions on showing grace for parishioners as I resign," you have been helpful.

In this thread conversation there has been a lot of focus on the pastor and the consequences coming to him after I resign. I'm not worried about the pastor. He is the type of person who makes sure he always "wins" in the end, which means he blames everyone else when he self-sabotages. He'll be fine.

Thank you all who came to assist a fellow parish music director asking for your suggestions. Again, you have been more helpful than you can imagine. I pray that future readers finding this thread will glean something helpful from this discussion.

Out of respect for the parishioners, I have decided to offer a little less than a month's notice

Take care of yourself, thank you for sharing and I will say a prayer for you.

Time can heal many wounds. It might not be “forever”. Don’t give up just yet on music all together. But, in light of the additional details you’ve shared, resignation definitely seems the appropriate option. I’m so sorry.

God bless you, dear friend. Almost all of us have experienced shabby treatment at the hands of clergy, and I am very sad to hear you have been suffering under the heel of this unfit pastor. He’s made his bed and now he will have to lie in it.

Many prayers for you. I don't know what else is available where you are located, but best wishes for finding something else, if you so desire.

My suggestion.

Pray and seek God on what to do. Level with your gut (and your spiritual director if you have one). Move on. Don't try to second guess the options. You are not going to save the parish, the members or the church with an 'informed perspective'. Shake The Dust. (pick a date now or later... it really isn't that important) BTDTMT

I suppose it would be best to take personal belongings home before giving notice. I was going to suggest giving the notice after the last Mass on Easter Sunday.

God bless! I will be praying for you and for your parishioners, and for your pastor as well.

BTW. There are many ways to achive "credentials". The AGO has many ways you can get say a choirmaster certificate. I think the NPM has a similar program. If you have been doing this, i would bet that you already have this skills to seek these credentials.
And don't overlook references and testimonials from former clergy you have worked with, and choir members and music folks you have worked with. Even if you haven't worked with them for awhile, people are usually willing to be a reference or to write a word in your favor. Such positive comments can go a long way and be more persuasive than degrees.

It sounds like you are a real "stand-up guy," ParishMusicDirector. I am sure your parish community will be lesser for the absence of your plainly evident care and diligence. I have been through some difficult pastoral situations myself, and I decided to leave full-time sacred music for another field. I am sure our loving God sees your heart and will reward you for your tact, not to mention your many years of service.

Thank you, Irishtenor and Carol. As we all learn time and again, "doing the right thing" always comes at great personal cost but it leaves us with some sense of character and integrity when we have given it our best effort. I think that's a lesson worthy of the price.

It seems that most parish directors, singers, and musicians can't help but envision their music ministry's possibilities. We're disappointed, frustrated and grieved when we are directed by someone who lacks vision, leadership skills, a community mindset, lacks interest in community outreach, and is driven to sabotage any of these efforts from others. They project their personal struggles onto the entire parish so that everyone under their authority is set up for nothing but failure.

So many times I've felt like grabbing pastors by the shoulders to shake them and look them in the eye, "Can you not see the blessings and gifts and possibilities these parish volunteers are offering?" But, as a priest-friend pointed out to me, the flaw in that thinking is that priests are compensated the same whether their parish is vibrant and growing or merely maintaining the status quo. There is no tangible reward given them for taking on additional hours of work to have a parish of note to its community. As one priest I served under often chuckled, "I don't do any work." Indeed, he didn't.

Aside from my part-time position at the parish (we all know that part-time means "part-time pay" but still "full-time work"), I have a lengthy flourishing career in the entertainment industry. I'll be fine. I have worked with notable entertainment legends and I have great doors of opportunity awaiting. But, as I have often mentioned to our parishioners, of all the honors ever bestowed on me, nothing....NOTHING...compares to the honor of accompanying the voice of God's people singing praises. I've always said that the accompanist "has the best seat in the house," usually positioned somewhere between the choir and the congregation. It is likely I will be experiencing this for the last time on my final day of service at this parish. This, above all, has me sad beyond words. I relished and treasured the sound as well as the meaning of those moments.

It's true, "to everything there is a season." The parish will be sad of my leaving but within a few months they will have a new, exciting and lovable new music director. And they will fall in love with her or him, and I will make myself available to help them succeed if they need backstory or just an ear to listen. Parishes do that. They go through "the sky is falling" phase and soon find themselves enamored with the new music director.

And I will be on to new career and travel adventures that have been laid aside for decades during my service to this parish. More than these, I may catch up on 20 years of missing family gatherings I gave up for Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's Day to serve at Masses.

It's a unique trait of parish music directors. This is what we do.

And musicasacra.com is the place where we all understand this concept, and each other.

I hope this thread of conversation serves as a reminder to anyone serving in an isolated situation that "your time of service matters, your time of service will have a point of conclusion, and YOUR life matters in the greater picture."

Thank you all for being here. May God bless you all.