Um, in that specific context, a generous pastoral response might be "I am sorry for your loss, and appreciate for your feedback."

In the New England area, it seems that the Schubert Ave Maria is used at every wedding and funeral I attend (and also some Masses). It gets to be very boring, but many people think that "Ave Maria" and the Schubert melody are one in the same. Years ago the Schubert Ave Maria was on the so-called Black List published by the St. Gregory Society and not because it was bad music. The reason for its placement on the Black List was because it was considered "more suited to the concert halls rather than liturgical services." I wish wedding and funeral soloists would learn other versions of the Ave Maria; there certainly are many good ones.

"Languentibus in Purgatorio" is a great marian chant we have sometimes employed

Mother of Christ is a very appropriate hymn for a funeral. The closing lines especially are appropriate as one prepares to enter eternal life: "When the voyage is o'er, Oh, stand on the shore, and show Him at last to me." A few year ago I had recommended this hymn for a funeral in a neighboring parish. A deacon was present who was in his last year of seminary. He asked me for the music for the hymn because he wanted to use it at his ordination Mass--which he did.

While there's no mandate for a Marian hymn in funerals, as far as I know, it is a custom, so it's not surprising that people may expect to hear one.

Our Lady has a special patronage at the hour of death, and it is even represented in the liturgy: at the end of the day, when Compline is said or sung, it ends with an invocation of the Blessed Virgin, both for the night of sleep and the eventual night of death.

In which case, be sure to pronounce the salutation as diphthong in the manner of the Deep South: "HAY-uhl!, Dotty!".

Continued

Praying for the Dead and the Requiem Mass
by Fr. William Rock, FSSP
“It is therefore a holy and wholesome thought to pray for the dead, that they may be loosed from sins.” (2 Mac 12:46)

It is a dogma of the Catholic Church that the souls detained in Purgatory (the Church Suffering) can be assisted by the suffrages of the living faithful (the members of the Church Militant).  These suffrages (intercessory prayers, indulgences, alms and other pious works, and above all the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass) remit before God some degree of the temporal punishments due to their sins which the poor souls still have to render.1 So important is the undertaking of these suffrages that the Church has listed it as part of one of the Spiritual Works of Mercy, namely, “to pray for the living and the dead.”

As the Roman Liturgy developed, certain Masses were produced whose sole purpose is to pray for the dead.  When the various forms of the Masses for the Dead were settled, only the readings and the three prayers (the Collect, Secret, and Postcommunion) of these Masses differed among them.  The chants and ceremonies for the different types of Masses for the Dead are the same.  Among these Masses are the Funeral Mass and the three Masses assigned to All Souls’ Day.  Each of these Masses for the Dead may be called a “Requiem Mass” based on the first word of the Introit (the entrance chant) which is common to all.

Sorrow is the natural response to the loss of a loved one.  The Church shares in this sorrow of her children.  This sorrow is deepened by the Church’s general uncertainty concerning the eternal fate of her children who have died (except, of course, those solemnly canonized).  For these reasons, during a Requiem Mass, she vests her ministers in the color black, a color symbolizing the deepest mourning and grief.  The yellow hue of the unbleached candles and the absence of flowers and organ add to the sorrowful atmosphere.  But the Church and her children, relying on the mercy and love of God, hope that a blessed, eternal reward will be granted to the faithful departed.  These two themes, of sorrow and of hope, are intermingled throughout the Requiem Mass both in the texts themselves and in the tones of the chants.  For example, the chants at the start of the Mass are in a sorrowful tone, but, at the end of the ceremonies, the chant is lighter.

The sole focus of the Church during a Requiem Mass is the soul or souls for whom the Mass is being offered.  This is clearly brought out in the liturgical ceremonies that are proper (although not necessarily unique) to this Mass.  Many of these proper ceremonies are omissions from what is normally performed, as they would be unfitting for such a Mass or would draw the Church’s attention away from the departed.  Other changes are made to direct the liturgical focus to the departed and away from those present.  The following are practices proper to the Requiem Mass:
* All of the ceremonial kisses during the Mass are omitted except during vesting and divesting and those that reverence the Altar (which represents Christ).
* The Prayers at the Foot of the Altar are shortened, as the joy expressed in the excluded portion is out of place in such a Mass.
* The Altar is not incensed at the beginning of the Mass.
* At the Introit, all present would normally cross themselves, but during a Requiem, they do not. Instead, the Priest makes a Sign of the Cross over the Missal, which, for this act, represents the deceased.
* The Gloria and Alleluia, as they are joyful, are omitted. The Alleluia is replaced by a Tract.
* The Sequence Dies Iræ is recited before the Gospel.
* Unless performing an action that would require otherwise, all but the Sacred Ministers kneel during the Collect (opening prayer) and Postcommunion (prayer after communion) in supplication for the departed.
* The Subdeacon is not blessed after chanting the Epistle.
* Prior to the reading of the Gospel, a preparatory prayer is omitted and the Deacon is not blessed.
* Candles and incense are not used during the proclamation of the Gospel.
* After the proclamation of the Gospel, the Gospel Book (Evangeliarium) is not kissed and the associated prayer is omitted.
* The water in the cruet at the Offertory, which represents the people, is not blessed.
* The Gloria Patri (the Glory be), as it is an expression of joy, is omitted.
* During the Offertory, only the Oblations (the offered bread and wine), Altar, and Priest are incensed. Usually, all present would be incensed as well.
* Unless performing an action that would require otherwise, all but the Sacred Ministers kneel from the Sanctus until the reception of Communion (not even standing for the Our Father).
* During the Canon (Eucharistic Prayer), the Subdeacon does not hold the paten as the Roman Rite does not have a black humeral veil. He does, however, incense the Host and the Chalice during the Elevations.
* The endings of the Angus Dei (the Lamb of God) are changed from “have mercy on us” and “grant us peace” to “grant them rest” and “grant them eternal rest.” The striking of the breast is omitted.
* The Pax (Sign of Peace) is omitted.
* The normal dismissal, Ite, missa est, is omitted. In its place is said Requiescant in pace (may they rest in peace).
* The blessing of the faithful at the end of Mass is omitted.
* If a Bishop celebrates a Requiem, he does not use the crosier, the ceremonial shoes and stockings (buskins), or gloves. He wears only the simple white mitre during the ceremonies and puts on the maniple before the Prayers at the Foot.  He does not bless any of the servers or ministers during the ceremonies.

An Absolution ceremony may be performed following the Mass.  This ceremony takes place at the coffin or, if the body (or bodies) is (are) not present, at a catafalque (a coffin-like structure) or at a black pall spread on the floor.  The catafalque or pall represent the body (bodies) of the deceased.  During the ceremony, the coffin, catafalque or pall is incensed and sprinkled with Holy Water and prayers are said on behalf of the departed.

The previously mentioned uncertainty concerning the final state of the souls of the Church’s children who have died is, in a sense, a blessing for those who survive the departed.  This is because our Faith teaches us that one can always pray for good outcomes of past events whose conclusions are hidden from mortal eyes.  As God is outside of time, past, present and future have no real meaning for Him.  As strange as it might seem, God can act in the past due to things which happen in the future.  Therefore, prayers offered on behalf of the dead not only effect their state in Purgatory but can also have an influence at a moment of death that occurred in the past of those praying.

The Liturgy for the dead, based on this truth, places the Church and the faithful as pleading figures accompanying the departed soul into the presence of the Judge at the moment of death – pleading figures praying, imploring, on behalf of the soul before the unchangeable eternal sentence is pronounced.  This also explains why this Liturgy asks for things that would have chronologically already been decided irrevocably (such as the welcome to heaven or condemnation to hell).  While treating of the ceremonies of All Souls’ Day, Dom Guéranger explains this as follows: “to God, Who sees all times at one glance, this day’s supplication was present at the moment of the dread passage, and obtained assistance for the straitened souls.”2 It should always be remembered that death does not end relationships, but only changes them.

I just realized I never really directly addressed the question upon which all of what is above hinges.

The Offertory calls upon the intercession of Saint Michael in his role as the “bearer of souls.” In Paradisum addresses the Holy Angels, and since they are at the service of the Blessed Virgin Mary as Queen of Angels, intercession (Through the course of sacred music) to the Virgin Mary (I would imagine) would be very appropriate during the offertory or communion and even prior to the Requiem itself. Is it possible to pray too many prayers to Our Lady? I don’t think so.

However, I don’t think it’s wise to surplant the official texts of the Requiem. They are crucial to the wisdom and design of Holy Mother Church as the most efficacious suffrages we can offer. It is also a stark reminder (e.g., Dies Irae, Absolution) to those who attend the liturgy that no one is exempt from losing their salvation and a sobering moment for a deeper examination of conscience.

Wherefore, my dearly beloved, (as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only but much more now in my absence) with fear and trembling work out your salvation.
Phillipians 2:12