I suppose this is a common story among artists--but that doesn't make it much easier to endure.

Philip Larkin even wrote a poem about similar feelings. It's called Toads.

Best wishes on your discernment! You are in my prayers.

Relocation is not an immediate possibility. My husband is a supervisor and IT manager for a private school for special needs children. He just started working on his master's for educational administration and school principal licensure. That program will take him approximately two to two and a half years to complete.

I am open to relocation if and when it becomes feasible for us.

CharlesW, my problem is with the day jobs, not the church music. I'm considering leaving my non-music work completely to spend more time with church music. Hope that makes more sense...

One more thing: a wise old priest (and CMAA guy, to boot) once reminded me that there are two sorts of suffering offered to Christians: purgatorial and 'temporal.' Temporal refers to 'in this life.' If you're sinless--fine--then offer your suffering for MY sins, or those of CharlesW (etc.)

Happy to provide prayer and encouragement, but I think you are going to need some heart-to-heart discussions with the flesh-and-blood around you.

I guess I'm fortunate to have other skills to "fall back on". I just wish they weren't draining the life and soul out of me. And yes, there are definitely parts of the church gig that also drain me. I've reached a point in life where 99.999999% of my existence is spent doing things for the benefit of others, be it my congregation, my boss, my
family, and so forth. It is frustrating because as a Catholic we're taught that's how you're supposed to live your life, but what happens when a life comprised of nothing but service to others starts to tear you apart?

Offer them for dad29. He is wicked and needs them more. ;-)

Nolo contendere

Here I was, simply trying to share grace.....

Have you gone to our Lord in adoration and asked for help to find this answer?
Have you sought help from you spiritual director?
Have you discussed this with a good Catholic psychologist? It sounds like you've hit a circuit of negative thoughts that are reeling on the edge of a despair wheel. It's worth having a serious chat.
Consider trying for some church music jobs and see how you go, okay, a little out of practice maybe but that's to be understandable with kids and full time day work. A good priest seems to consider the potential of their organist/choral director to do ministry in their church. Sure, some will look for experience, flashy technique, skills already in practice but my experience (in Melbourne) is that most priest's I've met sigh relief when you're honest, can show potential to rattle their parish into action and show dignity and responsibility towards the duties of your life, such as children, elderly, etc.
What about our lady undoer of knots for this one?

I advise giving up chores. : )
Can you just focus on getting through winter (or whatever will help), and then try to move up in the job? As in more $$? Or a higher-paying job that will allow you to not feel so stressed, or would give you a little more free time somehow?
You have my sympathy - - I think we'll all had times where we feel like we are not in the right place / job / career etc. I'm sure you'll figure things out - - January is hard! : )

My husband is very helpful, as much as someone who works 50 or more hours a week can be. I have no issues with division of labor at home.

@teachermom24: If I lived with any less than what we do right now, we would be back on food stamps. Not happening. Our combined incomes barely cover the mortgage, payment on the ONE car we share, utilities, groceries, etc. There is nothing left for savings or emergencies.
Hopefully that will change someday.

I enjoy the work I do, but I don't know how far I want to take the floral thing. There is opportunity where I am to move up, but I just started there and it won't be for a while. I dislike feeling forced or trapped into working outside of music, but that's how it is. I definitely don't want to be a full time stay at home parent, either. Did it for three years and suffered from serious manic depression and was almost hospitalized, not cut out for it.

What is your vocation? How does your working outside the home fit in with that?

Would you ask a male poster the same question?

Oh God no, please don't bring all that feminist gender crap to this discussion. And, for the record, I don't consider being a parent a vocation. It's one part of a whole, not the whole itself. Or something. Yeah just don't even go there right now, theres enough on Facebook and everywhere else.

Furthermore, not making any assumptions or calling anyone out here, but if you are here to lecture me on how I should just stay home "barefoot and pregnant" and the like, please quietly excuse yourself from my thread.

Is there something with the floral business you could do from home? Maybe you could do that & practice, too?
Farmer's Markets, etc. Large businesses sometimes have a farmer's market day in their work week (I know that at least 2 of the main insurance companies in town have mini markets on Thursdays with flowers, meats, pastries, etc.)

If you just hate flowers, now, then perhaps find something else to do from home.
Give lessons? (people always suggest I do that, and the redundancy annoys me, so I apologize if everyone suggests the same to you, as well.) Maybe at a local church and/or homeschool co-op, so that you'll be at an organ/keyboard, anyway?

CCooze, I like the way you think. It would take some time to get everything together, but yes I have considered working from home. I need a little bit of money to invest in it though, and I'm not in a good place at the moment to save for that. But I have considered it.

Teaching lessons, meh. I already have three kids of my own, don't care much for others LOL!

I am so sorry about what you are going through. I would encourage you to, as much as possible, try to coast for now while you investigate other options. As others have mentioned, starting a new job is always exhausting, for everyone. They also say to try to avoid major, life-changing decisions while going through a crisis. I will keep you in prayer. Music will be there for you, whenever you are able to dedicate yourself to it to whatever degree. God bless.

I take it you have never taught school. You'll get to be mother, father, counselor, friend, nanny, janitor - name your poison, it's there. LOL

That sounds an awful lot like a church choir director, too.

@Salieri: Thank you for your kind words. Here's the ironic part-I just had a vacation LOL! For the first time in TWELVE YEARS, we went to Florida to visit the in laws (love them, lucky not to have in law problems!). Left on Dec 26th, got there on shortly after midnight on the 28th, mother in law kept the kids and put us up in a beautiful hotel around the corner from her house. It was 84 degrees and sunny. We went to the beach, kids saw the ocean for the first time, hunted for seashells with my daughter, younger son got stung by a jellyfish, I had many margaritas, baked myself silly in the sun, did absolutely nothing, felt amazing. Came back home Jan 3rd. Kept the amazing feeling for about a week after we got home. And now it's back to this.

I can't say it enough but division of chores is quite equal in our house, and my husband does most of the laundry! (Ok that doesn't sound equal, but I do things like dusting, wiping kid fingerprints and kitty nose art off all the windows and doors, that he doesn't do. It balances out!) I will admit, however, that my "standard of living" when it comes to my house is pretty high. Many people have asked if I have a housekeeper. I'm a clean freak. There are reasons for that, the primary one being my own mother is a packrat and chronically cluttered and disorganized. I was the only one who kept her house clean growing up, and when I moved out the mess just got worse because I wasn't there to be her free help anymore.

As for the new job....we'll see how it goes. All of the people there except maybe one or two are bitchy, catty women, and equally bitchy, catty gay men. My list of "do not trust" is growing quickly, which isn't a good sign, and one of the senior designers is deliberately intimidating towards me when the other designer I was hired to assist isn't there. She also tries to give me directions that are contrary to what I was told to do by the person that hired me, presumably to make it look like I'm not doing my job. It's pretty sad, and comical, considering this woman is at least sixty. Nothing is worse, it seems, than being a hard worker and not being afraid to show what you know. I wish I didn't have to look at a flower right now, believe me, but Valentine's Day is coming... :-O Maybe I will take a short "veg out" break once that is done.

You wouldn't want me anywhere around money or people all day long. I don't like small talk and I'm terrible at math. I also think I would be bored out of my mind counting money all day. I enjoy the floral work because it is creative and gives me an "artsy" outlet I wouldn't have otherwise. And I get paid a little, too. But there aren't any normal people that work in the industry, as I'm discovering. Why should some bitter old lady push me out of doing what I enjoy? At any rate, I'm hoping the boss is in today because I plan on having a chat with her about it...

Sorry to butt in here, but Jen, that is a great quote, and thank you for the book recommendation! I just ordered it!

On the other hand, as someone who has met Fr. Galagher and heard his extended presentations on the topic, please be careful to understand just what spiritual desolation is and understand it can differ considerably from what a psychologist calls depression or anxiety. While continuing on the coarse set may be the right advice if it is desolation you are facing, on the other hand at times we are unhappy because we are on the wrong coarse in life. Read the book, it will offer better advice than I can, after all I make rather a mess of the spiritual life and the practical aspects of life.

Thanks for all of your advice and suggestions. I will definitely check out the book, interestingly I first encountered Ignatian spirituality during my thesis research, kind of a special subject for me. But right now I've got one kid with strep and another kid with pink eye, so basically everything comes to a grinding halt for the time being. (Spoiler alert: even mothers who work outside the home take time to care for their children, even if this
mother DOES NOT receive PTO, sick leave, FMLA, or any of those other cushy middle class benefits. All I get is a big fat pay cut and a spot on the "list" of "those" employees who "always" seem to be taking time off because of their kids. Purple sort of but not really, y'all know I'm a snarky a** sometimes.) We're not as "selfish" as society makes you think!