Toxic Church Musicians
  • Donnaswan
    Posts: 585
    eft94530
    I am still laughing! Squirreloprano. In my case it ain't just sops.
    And the tenor thing- I had a tenor who took up choir-singing in his 50's. Could not count to save his life and very loud to boot(He was very Dutch-are they always like that? No, surely not) Anyway, he liked to beat time with one foot and since he was in the front row, I could see him- it drove me crazy. One night, I Just Descended From The podium and gently stood on his foot. We all collapsed with laughter, and he got the point!

    Donna
  • JamJam
    Posts: 636
    I can't think of a name for them, but how about the choir people who sing tons of wrong notes -- which are, yet, always appropriate in the chord?
  • CharlesW
    Posts: 11,985
    I can't believe some of my singers are getting around to all these wide-spread choirs. How do they do that? ;-)

    Then there's the archivealto - she has the music for the funeral of the last pastor, 10 years ago, still in her music folder. Oh, the funeral program is there, too - and nearly everything since. But are they in any kind of order? No way! The sound of sheet music pages flapping as she tries to find the right number to sing, is truly like the sound of the rushing, mighty wind at Pentecost.
  • Michael O'Connor
    Posts: 1,637
    Ian, we were hoping that during the Celtic Tiger days, the northerners might join up out for financial reasons. Still praying for a united Ireland though. Prayer is more powerful than anything after all.
  • SalieriSalieri
    Posts: 3,177
    Here are some I've encountered, just in the last couple of years:

    The Basso Profundo who sings an octave or two below the rest of the men.

    Those singers (on various parts) who rutinely stick a finger into an ear inorder to hear themselves better. Not too bad during rehearsal but quite strange looking during the out-side procession on Corpus Christi.

    The Gum-Chewer!

    The Cough Drop-Sucker!

    The retired person who, when asked to help file music at the end of the season/year, responds "I'm too busy, and besides that's when I usually take my nap!"

    The singer who seems to never look at the Hymn-board, and instead looks over the shoulder of at least three people before finding what is being sung.

    The elephant (kinda): The person who remembers how a particular piece of music was sung 50 years ago, but can't remember where it is in his/her folder.

    The Ghost: The person who adds numbers to the choir, and appears to sing with great vigor and conviction, though there is not a single sound to be heard. Aka: Stealth Singer.

    The Groupies: The Congregant(s) who always wait around for the end of the postlude, and then applaud enthusiastically. (Much to the chagrin of the Organist.)

    The Emperor of Austria: The person who- and I'm not making this up!- says to the choir director, I didn't like that Sanctus (usually refering to Mass VIII or XI) there are too many notes!
  • francis
    Posts: 10,848
    O my gosh! I put this picture on the wrong thread. That's the problem with looking at the world through the tiny window of an iPod. (moved to proper thread, instruments before 1962.) mea culpa.
  • Mark M.Mark M.
    Posts: 632
    The Rainstick Player.
  • AOZ
    Posts: 369
    Here's a thought. How about I play Pollyanna/bad cop (used to that!) and suggest we turn the tables and confess our sins. I, for one, am a cough drop sucker. My apologies, Salieri. I make sure I maneuver that cough drop discreetly when in use - and I don't leave any wrappers or stickiness behind after the Mass. But sometimes I've just gotta have that cough drop.
  • AOZ
    Posts: 369
    ... and the homily is a great time for cough drops. Then you're ready for the Offertory.
  • CharlesW
    Posts: 11,985
    Cough drops and water I have no problems with. I once worked in a church where the pastor kept cellophane wrapped peppermints in a jar for the choir. You could hear the rustling of wrappers all through the service.
  • AOZ
    Posts: 369
    You just have to make sure all singers who need cough drops have them before Mass begins. One of us (usually me) will get the cough drops out before Mass and pass them around. The virtuous souls and perfect singers take a pass. Others take two or three. Loud rustling sounds? A good scowl at the perpetrator during Mass usually solves the problem.
  • CharlesW
    Posts: 11,985
    That was in a Protestant church with the choir on the other side of the chancel from the organ. Those folks were all older than I was, so they wouldn't have listened to some whippersnapper to begin with. Lovely people, though. Somehow, I can't believe those peppermints helped them sing any better. I have heard some voice teachers say the opposite is true.
  • Brian Michael Page
    Posts: 157
    How about a description for the person (usually an alto) that INSISTS that they sing the hymns in harmony from Choral Praise, even when the organist/director INSISTS that the last verse be sung in unison over a free accompaniment?
    BMP
  • CharlesW
    Posts: 11,985
    Altos do seem to have an unruly streak running through them.
  • Kathy
    Posts: 5,513
    "Altos do seem to have an unruly streak running through them."

    That comes from years of singing straight D's ;)
  • IanWIanW
    Posts: 763
    The Devil makes work for idle hands, CharlesW. He wrecks the same mischief with violists.
  • CharlesW
    Posts: 11,985
    Hah! LOL. I guess singing D all those years would do that.
  • Donnaswan
    Posts: 585
    My altos are not unruly. Even comatose at times. Boredom sets in too frequently. When they have a nice line I have to beg them to 'rise' to the occasion LOL

    Donna
  • eft94530eft94530
    Posts: 1,577
    BMP,
    Split up the choir for sectionals,
    and tell the Sopranos, Tenors, Basses NOT to sing the final verse at all
    (oops did I forget to tell the Altos?);
    or, for the Communion Hymn assign v1=Tenors, v2=Sopranos, v3=Basses, v4=Altos
    and then give the instructions for the Final Hymn as "the same as for Communion"
    and use your free accompaniment on verse four (for both Communion and Final).
  • francis
    Posts: 10,848
    Why do the altos get such boring parts? That does not and should not be the case. Polyphonic treatment of hymn writing would solve that problem. I may be mistaken, but the German chorales seem to give equal interest to all parts. Yes? Of course, do not look to Mozart who thought a comatose left hand with all thought and movement in the right was simply peachy keen. Fun as heck to perform but boring to be the listener. It's kinda like having an opera singer attached to your right arm.
  • Michael O'Connor
    Posts: 1,637
    This may be one of the reasons that polyphony is so tough. It asks altos to sing quite difficult lines that are often make no real melodic sense at times. I find this in the music of the very best composers. We recently did a Magnificat by Palestrina in which it took a very talented professional singer to lead the section.
  • JamJam
    Posts: 636
    What's wrong with boring parts, sometimes? Every man I know who sings ison loves it.

    I'm an alto, btw... I don't mind boring stuff, although crazy polyphonic pieces can be really fun sometimes.
  • IanWIanW
    Posts: 763
    Remind me: are we taling about 'altos or Altos here?
  • Michael O'Connor
    Posts: 1,637
    ??
  • Kathy
    Posts: 5,513
    I like to make a big deal out of interesting alto lines, "This is one of those hymns when it's a lot of fun to be an alto!"

    Which is to say, anytime when the alto part is something besides D-F#-D-D-D-E-F#-D (repeat) (something modulated for line 3) D-F#-D-D-D-E-F#-D
  • Donnaswan
    Posts: 585
    I hope everyone reading this post has read T'he Alto wore Tweed'

    Donna
  • CharlesW
    Posts: 11,985
    The whole series of liturgical mysteries is hilarious. the back row altos, or bras? LOL.
  • Charles in CenCA
    Posts: 2,416
    Monkey wrench alert!
    Alto is always interesting when there are counter tenors involved, females with or without notwithstanding.
    I have always characterized for altos and tenors when they have those "Kathy" lines, their lines are the Peanut Butter and Jelly between the easy consummed bread of the sops/basses. They make the melody and foundation "interesting," if not artful when they have the suspensions, or other dissonances.
  • Kathy
    Posts: 5,513
    Excellent thought! Variations on a theme:

    You are the brie and chutney in the easily consumed ciabatta...

    You are the arugula and flank steak between the easily consumed hearth grain focaccia...
  • francis
    Posts: 10,848
    Nonsense! Altos don't have to be a boring function toward the ultimate achievement of beauty. Skilled composers of good polyphonic writing can and will draw out the unique and beautiful domain of the alto voice.

    However, it takes double the crafting power and theoretical thinking. It's like any other work of art. Poor, good, better, or excellent.

    This kind of thinking means the soprano always "owns the melody". Unfortunately, a lot of homophonic compositions are like this: Rutter, Laurisden, the Dale Warland types, etc., etc., etc. Even the minimalists do the same thing. You have to think melody for every line.
  • Kathy
    Posts: 5,513
    Okay, but Bach was great, and his alto lines are boring. Trust me, this is three straight weeks of his arrangement of Salzburg speaking.

    D-D-D-D-D-C#-D. Etc.

    (The third line is, by way of exception, fun.)
  • francis
    Posts: 10,848
    That is his harmonization of someone elses hymn for the purpose of congregational singing. Highly unusual to his own comps. And to play my own devils advocate, do bear in mind that the simplicity of some hymns is what makes them austere and penetrating, especially when they follow something contrapuntal, as Bach often did in his passions and such.
  • Kathy
    Posts: 5,513
    It's fine to sing something austere, but it does addle the brain. At least, that's what I use for an excuse, anytime we altos act funny...
  • francis
    Posts: 10,848
    Kathy:

    I have something just for you and your altos... Will post soon!
  • francis
    Posts: 10,848
    Kathy:

    Your score is ready. What is your email? (never mind... found it... it's in your in box)

    Here is a rough sound simulation:

    http://www.myopus.com/tooManyDaves.mp3

    The alto is panned to the Right Speaker in the mix!

    If you like this, you will really like One Fish Two Fish!

    BTW... these will change the disposition of all your Toxic Musicians for Good!
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