The Disapproving Male

Like the male bird, this character will be well-dressed. Upon closer scrutiny you will find even his tie is held in place with a stickpin.

When he is not in the choir he will be found standing at the back of the church to observe everyone. He is a stickler for locking doors and being heavily involved in a Catholic men's association of some sort.

He will do nice things for people if they are in his line of sight and in his interest. Otherwise, you don't exist.

You will find things getting done that you did not intend to get done...and had no intention of doing. And this will be held against you.

The Anything For Father Lady

This lady has the best intentions and will be supporting of your work unless it in any way in her mind goes against what Father wants. If that happens, and there is a good chance that it will, stand back, far back. Be prepared with explanations for Father.

If it makes you feel any better, he is probably aware of her. If he's not, you are in for a ride.

Noel - WONDERFUL !!!!!!! I sense a book in the making here.

So far you have left out the Teen Bongo Player

Our parish now has one. An entire Mass is given unto this gentlemen to play randomly on anything and everything. Laugh, cry, whatever, but it is a reality. I've thought about writing about this but it is kind of pointless.

FAQ

A: Should a teen be given a set of bongos to play during Mass, and permitted to play whenever he wants and whatever he wants?

Q: This is inadvisable, inasmuch as bongo playing is generally considered incompatible with the required solemnity of the liturgical occasion. In is, in addition, most likely the case that a teenager just learning bongos lacks the requisite sense of decorum and the needed judgment to make independent decisions about when during the Mass the bongos should be played and the manner in which they should be played. Indeed, a rich and historically based understanding of the Roman Rite indicates that there is very little proper role for the bongos at Mass, excepting perhaps to provide an additional acoustic enhancement at the strepitus at the close of Tenebrae services during Holy Week.

And don't forget Father Phillips' (Saint John Cantius) fond favorites, the Cigarette Alto and the Whiskey Tenor.
To which I might add the Ben and Jerry Soprano (scoops) and the Wild Bulls of Bashan Baritone.

jeffry
while i certainly understand about the adolescent bongo dude at least hes not a dyslexic 10 year old with a shaking "egg"a microphone and no, and i mean no,sense of rhythm.

New church, 24 hour traffic through the choir loft to reach the Adotation Chapel.

Alarm system sensitive to movement in the church proper during the night, but this coverage does not extend into the loft.

Alarm system also programmed to respond to sudden loud noises in the church in these hours.

Timpani in Choir Loft + Noise Alarm System = some embarrassed Adoration Chapel people when the alarm goes off.

I would observe that most people really are more of a joy to work with, if you yourself are radiating joy. And if we realize that we are ALL human.

The Young Fogey:

This youngish male (usually a male) spends the entirety of Mass involuntarily grimacing-- alternately at the choir and then at his own grimacing self. If they sing das Haugenschmaltz, he will wish they sung old timey hymns. If they sing old timey hymns he will wonder why they don't just sing propers. If (if!) they actually sang propers, he will shake his head at how they are dragging. While he may be able to sing, he is never in the choir, the mere thought of singing from THAT GREEN BOOK being too much for his lamentably fine-tuned aesthetic sense. When asked by the choir director why he doesn't join up, he must muster up the force of Samson to restrain himself from launching into a pop-eyed tirade complete with diagrams. He will smile unconvincingly and say, "Perhaps someday." He often looks enviously at those who don't seem to care one whit about what kind of music they sing... wouldn't it all be easier that way?

(This post made possible in part by a long look in the mirror.)

I, myself, prefer Bourbon. :-)

I consider myself a porter bass.

Passive-Aggressive Piano (wo)man

It matters not if the parish in question customarily uses primarily well-executed, tasteful a capella and/or organ music: this person will always comment positively (or rather, even pithily) when the piano is used. It matters not if the execution of said piano music is poor or even inappropriate; this person has musical "tunnel vision". This person, who may be otherwise a sound Catholic, is a primary obstacle to musical and liturgical reform in most parishes. Any suggestion that using the piano is less festive than the organ or less effective in leading congregational singing usually results in bared teeth, wagging heads, and/or looks and comments of scorn and derision.

I heartily second the bourbon recommendation, although I would add a fine cigar and something like a Walker Percy novel to it. Sometimes one thinks that's the only way we can get by...!

The Non-Sharer

You are trying to save $ so you order half the number of anthems you need.

This member stands back and refuses to sing from a shared copy.

The Forgetter

No matter how many times you give this person the music, they don't remember to bring it the next time.

Noel,

Perhaps the eyesight of the Non-Sharer isn't what it used to be?

I have several

the "I coulda had a career but got married instead" soprano. there is a high correlation between these people and excessive vibrato

the critic, this is a person with limited knowlege who wouldnt be caught dead in the choir (because the choir is beneath them) but they are only too quick to offer negative (usually biting) critisism of anything and everything

the volunteer with conditions. this is a singer who only does what they want when they want, usually a solo or perhaps shows up the dress rehearsal before easter and proceeds to disrupt rehearsal because they dont know the part and demand immediate attention..

Charles

How true how true!

Here's my fav- the person who NEVER has a copy of the music in his/her folder, but at the end of the season when you are sorting music you discover at least two and on occasion three copies of said octavo.

Donna

Lawrence:

I can lend you some gunpowder from another thread about blowing up music... perhaps you can provide it in a well gifted snuff box for the prima dona.

The "I'm having a sectional at my house this week." Singer

Some of these are quite useful to have around!

[if Barbara M. or Phyllis & Glenn C are reading this, this is in your honor!]

How about ALWAYS-LATE-WITH-NO-EXCUSE? Many times, retired, with nothing to do all day, but late to every Rehearsal and/or Mass Warm-Up. Or, perhaps, a (male OR female) "diva" who enjoys making a grand entrance after everything is proceeding nicely. Climbs over/around several singers already in their appointed seats, can't find the necessary music (noisily digging through folder), and distracting all, including the Conductor, in the process.

Or, an extension of Lawrence's "We've never sung this before" person: after 5 (yes, 5) rehearsals of a given piece, during the last warm-up before a Holy Week Mass, says (looking around with deer-in-the-headlights panic) "Have we ever SEEN this before???" Very frightening for the Conductor.

Lawrence,

If the Queen of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland (and some other places that go with the job) were to criticise any of Her Prime Ministers, you can be sure she would do so politely and diplomatically and that it would be well deserved.

:-)

It would be OK with me if she lost the N. Ireland title...

Michael,

Unfortunately, it wouldn't be OK with the majority who live there (though that could change if enough Catholics take note of Humanae Vitae ).

The choir member who guesses loudly when learning a piece (it's no more or less likely that they're a Tenor than another voice).