a little humor in a time of quarantine
  • mmeladirectress
    Posts: 1,076
    A certain world-renowned musician died and found himself at the pearly gates. He knocked, and waited; presently St Peter approached, and asked his name.
    The maestro gave his name, but St Peter was unable to find it in his book.
    “Oh surely you’ve heard of me,” the man said, and began to list the impressive credentials of his life.
    “Oh- a musician,” St Peter said. “Your entrance is around back.”
    Thanked by 3CHGiffen Elmar bhcordova
  • Chris Garton-Zavesky
    Posts: 6,902
    What were Immanuel Kant's last words?

    We're not quite sure, but the Germans only know them in English translation....
    Thanked by 2Elmar mmeladirectress
  • CHGiffenCHGiffen
    Posts: 5,151
    Question: What's the difference between a mountain goat and a symphony orchestra with an imperious conductor?
    Answer: The goat's horns are in front.

    (So, logically, ... )
    Thanked by 2Elmar mmeladirectress
  • CatherineS
    Posts: 690
    Thanks for the laughs. I need it.
  • mmeladirectress
    Posts: 1,076
    An astronomer was lecturing a group in France, and declared, “I have swept the universe with my telescope, and I find no God.”

    A musician appropriately rebuked the astronomer: “Your statement, sir, is as unreasonable as it is for me to say that I have taken my violin apart, have carefully examined each part with a microscope, and have found no music.”
    Thanked by 5WGS CHGiffen M. Jackson Osborn tomjaw Carol
  • Chris Garton-Zavesky
    Posts: 6,902
    Madame,

    Is that a true story?
  • Elmar
    Posts: 500
    Is that a true story?
    The combination of "in France" with "I have swept ... and I find" makes it at least possible. You should try to read it with the following rythm + pronunciation:
    "An astronomeur was lecturing a group in Frãce, and declared: I ave swept the ünivèr wid my téléscop, and feend no Godd" etc.

    I once heard a speech of a French scientist and initially wondered why I didn't understand what he was saying. After several sentences I realised that he was speaking English.
    Thanked by 6tomjaw Schönbergian francis CharlesW bdh CHGiffen
  • mmeladirectress
    Posts: 1,076
    One of my sopranos refuses to sing her part on a new piece....
    She says she descant.
    Thanked by 6CHGiffen francis Randolph Nichols CatherineS CharlesW madorganist
  • mmeladirectress
    Posts: 1,076
    here's a virtual choir with a timely theme
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uL52AuF4QzY
    Thanked by 5Carol CatherineS CharlesW hilluminar francis
  • mmeladirectress
    Posts: 1,076
    I grew up in & have lived in five such states, so I can tell this one

    A man from [a Southern state] walked into a bar, and addressed the bartender.
    Man: Did you go to Harvard?
    Bartender: Yale.
    Man: OKAY; DID YOU GO TO HARVARD?
    Thanked by 3CHGiffen madorganist Carol
  • CHGiffenCHGiffen
    Posts: 5,151
    A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER READs:

      We will heel you.
      We will save your sole.
      We will even dye for you.
    Thanked by 5Chris Garton-Zavesky Elmar mmeladirectress Carol bhcordova
  • Nathan_the_Organist
    Posts: 434
    Man: Gets cornered by a hungry lion and prays "Lord, please make this lion a Christian!"

    Lion: "Bless us, O Lord, and these Thy gifts which we are about to receive from Thy bounty, through Christ, Our Lord. Amen"
    Thanked by 6madorganist Elmar mmeladirectress Carol CHGiffen bhcordova
  • StimsonInRehabStimsonInRehab
    Posts: 1,916
    I was catching up on the Little Hours of the Breviary today at work. Found out a cute co-worker of mine was into the Divine Office as well. Figured it would be a Prime time to ask if she liked to Sext. Her Terce reply was that she would have None of that.
    Thanked by 3Elmar CHGiffen bhcordova
  • Elmar
    Posts: 500
    President Trump has died of covid-19 and meets St. Peter at heaven's gate.

    SP: Welcome, what's your name?
    PT: I'm Donald John Trump, president of the United States of America, the greatest nation in world history.
    SP: OK, let's have a look at the heaven access list ... hmmm, cannot find your name ...
    PT: Pardon?
    SP: (turning pages) ... neither on the hell access list ...
    PT: Sure. You are not putting me in purgatory, are you?
    SP: ... nor on the purgatory list ... (still turning pages) ... ah, you're in the VIP supplement.
    PT: Sounds great. What exactly does this mean?
    SP: Please follow me to the golden elevator.

    They enter the elevator and St. Peter hits the 'God Father' button. After a while the elevator stops and the door opens.

    PT: Hello God, what a nice golden penthouse!
    GF: Welcome, Donald. You are coming to ask for access to heaven, I believe. Is there anything you want to say?
    PT: Sure: looks like you are sitting on my chair!
  • mmeladirectress
    Posts: 1,076
    a friend writes...

    My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals. Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch."

    "Fair enough," he said, "from now on I'll make my own."

    A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards. "We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like," he suggested. I happily agreed.

    At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order.
    My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eye, and said, "Separate checks, please..."
  • CatherineS
    Posts: 690
    Mildly humorous: the very distanced seating at our first official Sunday Mass back in a real
    church building resulted in something unexpected: no talking before, during or after Mass!
    Thanked by 3CHGiffen mmeladirectress bhcordova
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