Make the proper chants the first option that the family is presented, perhaps with a choice of Latin or English (TAG or Palmer/Burgess) texts. Many times they'll agree to that rather than push the issue further. If there are particular requests like Amazing Grace that are not quite up your liturgical alley, they may be more suited as preludes.

I'm unsure why the family, grieving the lost of their loved one, should have the onus placed on them to manage and organize the funeral. That seems like one of the least pastoral ideas the Church has never come up with. Making the appropriate choice the easiest and most streamlined option available solves both problems admirably.

Sydney,

The liturgy (public worship) of the Church isn't designed to encourage options. The modular liturgical environment of the Missal of Paul VI is an anomaly.

While it is true (theoretically) that one could request (for example) a polyphonic setting of the Dies Irae, this is a specifically narrow request. It doesn't involve replacing the text of the Dies Irae with something (alleged to be) more pastorally sensitive. Giving the family time to grieve, rather than focusing their collective attention on how to structure a "meaningful" service, is pastoral, while the inverse is unpastoral.

Weddings are planned months in advance. Only when the deceased had a long, slow decline and much interaction with the choir is it reasonable to ask a choir to put together polyphony outside of their usual repertoire for the funeral.

At my parish, we used a sheet with limited options. The propers of the Mass were listed as the first option, but in four years NOBODY picked them. We had a short list of hymns, but about 33% of families would add write-ins on the list (which would not be used) or would want to take the time to argue with me or the pastor. This past year, the pastor made the decision to remove any kind of input from the family regarding music. So far, it has been much better and we have actually had fewer complaints than before.

Are you replying to me, @mattebery?

USCCB " Since the psalms are songs, whenever possible, they should be sung."

To clarify, I was not suggesting speaking the psalm, but just allowing the family to choose the text/number of that psalm which will be sung. This allows the music director discretion over the musical setting of the psalm while still permitting some input from the family.

"Honestly, no one is going to remember or care what was sung at the funeral"

Not sure if that's an assumption or a conclusion. I would suggest a rather soft bite on it - that is, be ready to drop the bone when evidence to the contrary presents itself, eventually.

You could explain to your parish staff / bereavement ministers that there is no need to burden the family with one more responsibility at this time, and that thankfully the Church provides everything we need for planning the music at a funeral Mass.

“The music selection is something they don’t need to worry about. They have enough to deal with during this somber time in their family.”

But what will we sing at Communion? How will you know what to sing for the procession?

“Not to worry, that music is already selected by the Church for funerals. I’ll take care of preparing the musicians, just let me know which of the psalm texts the family would prefer.”

The family will have a favorite song or hymn of the deceased that they would like to hear. The deceased may have had a favorite psalm the family would like read. It isn't just the funeral service the family has to deal with (that's usually the least stressful thing they have to deal with). They also have to buy a funeral plot and casket, pick out music and pictures for the viewing, make arrangements for a deacon for the rosary, etc. And they will want to make all these selections. It's one of the last things they can do for the deceased. It may even help them through the grieving process.

In the case of my late parent's funerals, it was only my persistent involvement in planning that prevented the hymns and psalm and "song of farewell" from defaulting to Joncas-Haas-Haugen. Fortunately, I had assisted at Mass many times in that parish during my parents' last years, and knew the hymnal edition and what the organist and cantor were capable of if given the necessary tools and encouragement. My mother's funeral prep (for which my father wanted me to lead with my experienced input) was a hash because of classic Catholic parish low-tech communication obstacles (including work habits) over Friday to minor (Columbus Day) holiday weekend, but nevertheless we persisted - there was a back-and-forth by cell phone with the organist finally responding to Friday's morning's email on Monday morning as we concluded the visitation at the funeral home before departing for the church.

For my father's funeral a while later, I was better prepared, and mercifully the bereavement committee was less armed bureaucratically under a new pastor and I even managed to have "I Heard The Voice of Jesus Say" sung as the communion meditation to THIRD MODE MELODY (suitably plaintive, and more appropriate for a funeral than the more insistent KINGSFOLD), which I think surprised cantor and organist a bit from their usual practice (and both times chanting In Paradisum - I provided chant and accompaniment - but asking for Requiem Propers would have been way many steps too far for the staff and not something my parents would have cared about in the overall scheme of things).

When the deceased are in their 90s, and having few living friends nearby and family dispersed, so that the parish staff who attend the funeral as their daily Mass are dominant in numbers, it's an odd situation, because the habits of the staff will roll over the family unless the family comes prepared, as it were.

My advice is to have as much determined beforehand as possible. With the agreement of the priest, set the opening, closing, and song at the "Final Commendation": I do the chants "Requiem aeternam" and "In paradisum" plus a dignified setting of "Saints of God" (I like the one by Theodore Marier in Hymns, Psalms and Spiritual Canticles.)

The family can then choose two hymns for offertory and communion from a set list. I have been pleasantly surprised at how few families object if they know that most of the music has already been set. Sometimes they make no music requests at all in which case I do almost all chant.

There have been a few cases where the family made a big fuss, but the pastor and I held the line, figuring that nothing will change unless we are firm at least with this issue. That and disallowing "eulogies" is the last best hope we have of making the funeral mass more than a "celebration of life."

Metric paraphrases of the proper antiphons‡ would be a good idea, but do they exist? Even better, metric settings of the proper psalms with their antiphons, perhaps as refrains so that the structure is also preserved.
‡ or at least some of them, I have not counted them but altogether there are around forty in GR and GS, plus processionals 'from the house', and 'to the cemetery'. I fear metric paraphrases is the only way I could get these texts used at my funeral.