I'm anything but a psychologist, but I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night I've dealt with a similar experience insomuch as incorporating a homeschooled child/teen into a choir whose members are made up from those who go to "conventional" schools, so here's my $.02 and if you or someone more qualified on the matter has a better insight, all the better.

You mentioned she had quit homeschool. In my case I have found that the homeschooled student is very awkward socially because (s)he probably doesn't have the social constructs that come with "conventional" schooling, i.e. being in a classroom with peers. Being in a group setting like choir while being homeschooled is often difficult because of that. Now that your person has quit being homeschooled (I presume now attending some sort of public/private/parochial school) she's probably become more accustomed to socializing on a regular basis and obviously likes it, but she hasn't learned yet the appropriate times to socialize and when to stop.

By the way, this is not meant to be pro-/anti-homeschooling discussion, just my observations on this particular matter.

As far as vocal output - we seem to have opposite issues. You're chorister is barely doing anything at all - perhaps no longer being in homeschool has had the knock-on effect of her interests changing...or the simple fact that she's a teenage girl. In my case, the girl in question often over-sings, I think in part because without being around peers all the time is trying to prove herself to them. Perhaps it's opposite ways of manifesting the same issue?

The more striking part to me was you saying the mother "says this choir means the world to her." It begs the question: does it mean the world to this girl or to this girl's mother?

Seating. Charts.

Anyone incorrigibly chatty should be moved to where they don't do that.

Kathy,

With only 4 people in the choir, a seating chart is... impractical.

Catch her off guard -- that is, give a simple instruction which you are absolutely sure she would have heard, had she been paying attention, and ask all the choirmembers to implement [whatever it is]. When she can't, she'll either drop out or pipe down.

Kathy's advice is sound. I do this with my classes as well (I'm a professional music teacher in a Catholic school). If that doesn't work, then I give the student(s) one verbal warning, then the parents are contacted. It may be that you have to suggest, and be ready to "pull the trigger" on, removing her from the choir if her behavior does not change. Her behavior is disrupting the rest of the rehearsal, and that's not acceptable. If, as has been mentioned above, she no longer wants to be a part of the choir, then she should be doing something else. Also keep in mind that although the parent tells you "choir means the world to her" it could mean "choir means the world to me (the parent)" and the child doesn't want to be in it any longer, but doesn't have the heart to tell mommy, or mommy won't let her quit, so she's acting out of order. See if you can get the pastor's backing on removing her from the choir: it would be your last resort, but you must be willing to "pull the trigger" on that so to speak.

Recap:

1. Speak with the student about the issue and determine if she still wants to be in the choir. Inform her that her behavior is disruptive and unacceptable, and ask that she cease immediately. This conversation should be held in private, and not in front of the choir.

2. Speak with the pastor about the issue, and tell him you are considering removing her from the group because of this behavior. If he's good with it, move on to number 3. If he's not, work out a solution with him first and then move on to number 3.

3. Speak with the parents. Inform them of the behavior, and if the child indicated interest in remaining in the choir or not. It may be that the parents have no idea that their child does not wish to continue being in the group. Remember, sometimes children do things only because mommy wants them to (or is living vicariously through them). If the pastor gave you the green light, inform them that if the behavior does not cease, you will remove the child from the choir. If the pastor did not, inform the parents of the plan you came up with.

Repeat 2 and 3 if the behavior does not change, even after speaking with the parents. If it really becomes that much of a disruption for you, and assuming you have a supportive pastor, he should sanction the removal fairly soon after the first round of the above process.

Also, I realize that you are short on numbers, but if this one person is causing a disruption to your rehearsals, the other three aren't getting the best you can give them, because part of your attention is focused on disciplining the fourth, and they realize that.

From what you're telling me, it seems quite likely that the child doesn't want to be in the group any longer, since she's not putting an effort into it, and she is exhibiting disruptive behavior. Combine that with the parents telling you she really wants to be there, and you've got a classic case of the parent(s) want her to be there, but she doesn't.

If it continues to be a problem, you write/talk to the parent(s) and say, "I'm afraid [name] continues to be disruptive during rehearsals and it would be best if she did not continue participating in it for now. I would be happy to give her another chance in three months or so if she is willing to give it another shot, as long as she understands the expectations."

This is more along the lines of what would work well. It also brings up another important point: make sure that you have very clear expectations about what it means to be in the choir, right down to behavioral expectations in rehearsal. If any student doesn't meet those expectations, they are subject to removal from the group. You should make sure you get that approved by the pastor, and submitted to the parents as soon as possible. Be very detailed in your expectations, and make sure everyone understands. Notice I didn't say agrees to because it doesn't matter if they agree or not: if they don't agree with the expectations, they don't join the choir.

Eventually the others around here will shush her themselves as the entire group is waiting on her to shut up.

Don't count on it. It may work, and you're right that peer pressure is strong, but the others might just not care, or even think it's funny watching you deal with the problem. This works sometimes, but not all the time, so don't necessarily put your eggs in this basket. You can try it, but be prepared to try something else. You really want the pastor and the parents on your side in order to deal with anything concerning children. You've done the right thing by getting the parents involved, but I think you need to go a step further and consider removal.

Catch her off guard -- that is, give a simple instruction which you are absolutely sure she would have heard, had she been paying attention, and ask all the choirmembers to implement [whatever it is]. When she can't, she'll either drop out or pipe down.

I do this from time to time, mainly to make the point that the person isn't listening and to show them the consequences. It rarely has the effect that you describe, especially with teenagers. It's a passive-aggressive way to address the situation, in my opinion, and I think it's disrespectful to the student.

A seating chart also works with 4...putting her on the end of the row gives her only one person to talk to cuts down the victims by 50%.

But even more importantly, telling them where to sit exercises control....just as does waiting until they are quiet to start them singing.

Maybe work on recruitment... an infusion of 3-4 new kids will shock the group a bit.

How would you like to have an aging diva whose life is a soap opera? Of course, she shares with anyone near enough to hear.

why do so many choir members look for attention in choirs?

I suspect no one pays much attention to them elsewhere.

and a lack of humbleness .. .

This is bunk. They really have no clue what discipline means or what it takes to be in music ministry. Talking in the choirs that I have sung in (school, university, church) do not allow for idle chatting. You are there to work. If they want the music ministry to thrive there needs to be boundaries and rules that the choristers need to submit to. You are the professional and know what is best. The priest should not have taken the parent's side because it undermines your authority. This kind of thing seems to be the rule and not the exception. I do not comprehend it, since good musicians are hard to find.

Shake the dust from your sandals and move on.

I hope, sincerely, that your pastor has something constructive to say in the meeting you have with him. Unless this exhibits a pattern of "unchristian" behavior, one transgression shouldn't be the end of your tenure.... unless of course either of two things is true: a) this is such a flagrant violation of the terms of your contract (assuming you have one); or b) forgiveness is a Christian thing only when other people are supposed to do it, but haven't, yet.

I rather think this little to do with "singing" in the choir. It's drama.
I also wonder if these sorts of behaviors by daughter/mom would be so pronounced if the director happened to be male; please don't imply anything to me regarding that pondering.
I pray that mamah chooses to persevere through this, even if only to establish whether the pastor knows where his real bread is buttered. Lamentable.

Mediaeval is not a bad word.
It is not in any sense a negative category.

(Except in the minds of certain incredibly ignorant people.)

I resigned

oh!

prayers for you from here too.

Mamah, you have my deepest sympathies.
What we have seen in this anecdotal account proves a microcosmic examen on what ails our Church, the Body of Christ. Attack sheep, emboldened by the hubris that the secular culture proffers as "self-esteem" and "rights," actively seeking to upend and destabilize a rightful hierarchical system of governance and progress by immobilizing a pastoral shepherd by shaming and coercion. In the meanwhile, good souls like you and your other choristers are left to cling to the resultant flotsam that was a functioning ministry. There is no joy in Mudville, the mighty have been whittled down. God's mercy to all.

Stick around here and don't leave. I learn things from this forum that I might not experience in my parish job. I file it all away never knowing when it might be useful.

very true. Thanks