I know this is supposed to be Catholic humor, but I can't resist sharing one of my favorites of all times, and one that certainly ought to apply to Church musicians and composers...

BEWARE: THINKER’S ANONYMOUS

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone -- “to relax,” I told myself -- but I knew it wasn’t true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don’t mix, but I couldn’t stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, “What is it exactly we are doing here?”

Things weren’t going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother’s.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, “Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don’t stop thinking on the job, you’ll have to find another job.” This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. “Honey,” I confessed, “I’ve been thinking...”

“I know you’ve been thinking,” she said, “and I want a divorce!”

“But Honey, surely it isn’t that serious.” “It is serious,” she said, lower lip aquiver. “You think as much as college professors, and college professors don’t make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won’t have any money!”

“That’s a faulty syllogism,” I said impatiently, and she began to cry.

I’d had enough. “I’m going to the library,” I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with a PBS station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn’t open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. “Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?” it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker’s Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was “Porky’s.” Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

Having just passed his driver’s test, a teenage boy broaches the topic of use of the family car with his father. Sensing an opportunity influence the boy to become more responsible, the father gives the lad three things he must do to gain access to the car. He must (1) bring his grades up, (2) keep his room clean, and (3) get a haircut. A couple of months go by and the kid does a great a job with items 1 and 2. Again, he raises the subject of use of the car with his father, who points out that he still hasn’t had his hair cut. The son replies, “Dad, have you ever noticed that in any picture of Jesus and the disciples that they all have long hair?” Replies the father, “Son, have you ever noticed that they walked everywhere they went.”

So apparently Wurlitzer and Xerox are merging companies. They plan to make reproductive organs.

Agnus Dei: A woman composer best known for her Church music.

A bartender walks into a Synagogue, and Protestant Church, and a Catholic Church : He doesn't get jokes.

Ah, an ecumenist!

So, the Domincan nuns at the Monastery of Our Lady of the Holy Rosary in Summit, New Jersey, decided that they should have a concert of Gregorian Chant in order to raise money. What did they call the event? . . .

"Summit Chanted Evening".

At the Abbey of the Barefoot Carthusians of the Really REALLY Strict Observance, monks below the rank of Subprior are allowed to speak only two words a year. One young monk spent his first year in silence and then went to the Abbot: "Bed hard." "I'm so sorry, my son," replied the superior, "We will let you have a softer mattress."

A year later, the same monk goes to the Abbot. "Food bland." "You have my permission to season your food from now on, my child."

Another year goes by, and the monk turns up in the Abbot's study with his suitcase packed: "Leaving now." "It's probably for the best," sighs the Abbot. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

bumping an old thread

Spotted on Spotify: "O Give Thanks Unto the Lord in E Flat Major" by Samuel Sebastian Wesley.

What do you call a soprano with excellent sight-reading skills?

An alto.

This one may already be known, but it's worth repeating -
What did the priest say when asked what it was like hearing a nun's confession?
After a brief pause and a sigh he said,
'welll, it's rather like being stoned to death with popcorn'.

Not necessarily a Catholic joke, I guess, but I first heard it in a Catholic context:

On the last day of Vacation Bible School, the nuns in charge had arranged for the kids to perform for the parents, after which all would join for a pot luck picnic. A long table was set up with mouth-watering deserts, at one end of which was a platter of beautiful chocolate frosted brownies. In front of the platter was a neatly lettered placard, on which one of the good Sisters had written, "Take only one each, please. God is watching!"

At the other end of the table was a plate of chocolate chip cookies, in front of which had been placed a hastily scrawled sign: "Take as many as you want. God's watching the brownies!"

Potential bulletin bloopers but caught by careful proofreading:

Bible Study topic: Medications before Mass

Prayer intentions: Deacon's wives

Despite being an Anglican, I used to play the organ at the local Catholic church. One of the Altar Servers (who had converted from Judaism) often mentioned that halfway through the service,he would say the "Oyvay Maria". He also told me of the old custom of shepherds being buried with a small piece of lambs wool so that, when they got to Heaven, they could explain to St Peter why they had not been in church every week. I suggested dthat I be buried with a Rosary!

A child at catechism class put up their hand one morning and asked "excuse me Miss but what is Jesus' surname?"
The teacher was not quite sure how to answer that question and so replied "Well, I'm not very sure but I do know Jesus is commonly called Jesus of Nazareth does that answer your question?"
Another student stood up bolt upright "Miss! Miss! I know the answer!"
To which the teacher scratched her scalp and asked "what is Jesus' surname?"
The student proudly puffed out his chest and said "it's Victor, and Jesus isn't His first name."
The teacher frowned and asked the student "where have you learned this from, I've never heard of Him being called Jesus Victor and I'm pretty sure Jesus is his first name."
To which the student said "we sang about Him last Sunday. Christ Jesus Victor, Christ Jesus Ruler, Christ Jesus Lord and Redeemer! See, Jesus is His middle name, Christ is his first name and Victor is his last name!"

The Pope is visiting the U.S. He's in San Antonio and realizes that he needs to be in Dallas in just a few hours. He tells his driver to step on it. The driver isn't going fast enough for the Pope. He tells him to pull over, he'll drive. The Pope floors it. Half way there, he gets pulled over by the local police. The officer goes up to the driver's side window, and asks "Do you know how fast you were going?" The Pope replies "Do you know who I am?" The officer realizing who it is radios in "Tell the chief we have a situation here". The chief gets on the radio and asks "Did you pull the mayor's wife over again?" The officer replies "It's bigger than that". The chief asks "You didn't pull the County Judge over again did you?" The officer replies "It's bigger than that." The chief asks "Then who did you pull over?" The officer replies "I don't know, but he has the Pope for a driver!"

What do some of these jokes and some of the music that people want done in church have in common?

Justwhenyouthoughtitcouldn'tpossiblygetanyworsesomethingevenworsewillappear.