A CMAA member walked into a bar... (we are still awaiting his return)

A priest refuses entry to the Higgs Boson at the door of the church, "we don't allow your kind here!"

"But without me, how can you have Mass?"

The following was sent to me by a cantor friend. Perhaps it should be entitled, "How Many Musical Puns Can be Squeezed Into an Octave." Whether you chuckle or groan as you read the material below is entirely up to you.
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So a C, an E-flat, and a G walk into a bar….

The bartender says, “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.” So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

Then a D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, “Excuse me, I’ll just be a second.” Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-Flat hiding at the end of the bar and says. “Get out! You’re the seventh minor I’ve found in this bar tonight.”

E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, “You’re looking exceptionally sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development.” Sure enough E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural.

Eventually C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he’s under a rest. So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he’s only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and every thing else has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.

When I was a young teenager, President Kennedy ran for office. There was near hysteria in some places about the dangers of having a papist in office taking orders from the Vatican. Not long after the election, a little elderly lady was at the post office to buy stamps. The clerk said, "what denomination?" She adamantly said, "Baptist, but I didn't think it would come to this this fast." True story.

Oh, Jesuit jokes? I got plenty.

In a bus crash, a Franciscan, a Benedictine, and a Jesuit all die and go to heaven. St. Peter speaks to them each in turn. "What did you do in your mortal life?"
"I was a Franciscan priest."
"Welcome to heaven! Just go straight through those gates."

"And you, what did you do?"
"I was a Benedictine monk."
"Welcome, brother! Enter through the pearly doors."

"And you?"
"I was a Jesuit parish priest."

"FANTASTIC!! WE'RE SO GLAD YOU MADE IT!!"
Confetti falls from above, a loud raucous jazz band appears and starts playing celebratory music, and Jesus Himself comes out to personally greet the Jesuit. It is a scene of pure elation.

The Benedictine looks back and says, "I don't mean to be ungrateful with my own eternal reward, but why did the other two of us get such a perfunctory greeting while this fellow gets a whole party?"

St. Peter replies, "oh no, you misunderstand! Of course we're excited for you guys to be here, but this is the first Jesuit we've ever had."

The young man is discerning his possible vocation, so he asks a friend which order he should join, I'm thinking about maybe either the Dominicans or the Jesuits.
"Both orders are filled with good and holy men."
Yeah, but, what exactly are they,what's the difference?
"Well, the Jesuits were founded in response to the threat of protestantism. The Dominicans were formed to combat the Albigensian heresy."
Okay, but which one is better?
"Well, I really couldn't say.... but how many Albigensians ya got living in your neighborhood?"

(Save the Liturgy, Save the World)

Two composers walked into a bar...

It wasn't intended as a joke, but I thought it funny that once when I told someone I was an organist, her response was, "Ewww, gross!" I had to laugh, but I knew what she was thinking, so I explained that I was a church organist, not someone who works with body parts!

Phillis walks into forum and brings thoughtfull questions and gets laughed at. :) :(

The young man is discerning his possible vocation, so he asks a friend which order he should join, I'm thinking about maybe either the Dominicans or the Jesuits.
"Both orders are filled with good and holy men."
Yeah, but, what exactly are they,what's the difference?
"Well, the Jesuits were founded in response to the threat of protestantism. The Dominicans were formed to combat the Albigensian heresy."
Okay, but which one is better?
"Well, I really couldn't say.... but how many Albigensians ya got living in your neighborhood?"

A friend of mine, a Dominican seminarian, took great relish in telling this to a group of Jesuit scholastics. One of the jessies whipped back ' so you haven't been reading mattew fox lately?'
that sort of deflated him. ;-)

Some classic bulletin bloopers:

1.Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
2.Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
3.The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
4.On a church bulletin during the minister’s illness: GOD IS GOOD; Dr. Hargreaves is better.
5.Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.
6.The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.”
7.If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check, and drip in the collection basket.
8.Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on “It’s a Terrible Experience.”
9.Don’t miss this Saturday’s exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.
10.We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.
11.A worm welcome to all who have come today.
12.Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Nelson’s sermons.
13.During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
14.Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
15.The ushers will come forward and take our ties and offerings.
16.The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Reverend and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
17.The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
18.Don’t let worry kill you off – let the church help.
19.Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
20.Let us join David and Lisa in the celebration of their wedding and bring their happiness to a conclusion.
21.Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.
22.Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.
23.The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
24.The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
25.Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30p.m. Please use the back door.
26.The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
27.The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
28.Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
29.22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
30.The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
31.At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?”. Come early and listen to our choir practice.
32.The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
33.The music for today’s service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
34.A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
35.Today’s Sermon: How Much Can a Man Drink? with hymns from a full choir.
36.Hymn: “I Love Thee My Ford.”
37.Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
38.Women’s Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication.
39.Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.”
40.The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
41.Ushers will eat latecomers.
42.Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
43.Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
44.Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.

Some of these are pretty good. But if the thread were 'viola jokes' it would be longer.

How about 'Organ jokes'?

And there isn't enough bandwidth for the soprano jokes...
But being one myself, I tend to translate them into tenor.
(My Irish trad friends tell me bodhran [sp?] player jokes fulfill that function for them)

Save the Liturgy, Save the World!

Bulletins. Mrs. Edna Davidson is ill and recuperating on their farm. We ask that no one come to see the large hog while she is recovering.

;-)

How do you get a perfect pitch on a banjo?

Throw it in the trash can without hitting the sides.

An engaged couple is tragically killed in an auto accident. Having been good people during their lives, St. Peter welcomes them at the pearly gates. An inspiring idea hits them and they ask if they can get married in heaven. St. Peter replies that this is an unusual request and he will have to ask and get back to them. Meanwhile, he tells them to remain at Heaven’s welcome station, a magnificent resort with every amenity you can imagine.

St. Peter disappears and weeks pass without the couple hearing from him. They wonder what is happening and are concerned about their future. Finally, one says to the other, “Marriage up here is probably forever. What if it doesn’t work out? Can we get an annulment up here?”

St. Peter finally returns and says, “I’ve got great news for you, you can get married up here.” The young couple then raise the question of an annulment. St. Peter turns beet red and replies in a scolding tone, “It took me three months to find a priest. How long do you think it’s going to take for me to find a lawyer?”

(Music)
What do you call an oboe?
An ill wind that nobody blows good.

How about a funny quote?

Upon hearing the bagpipes for the first time, Oscar Wilde said, "Thank god there's no odor."

What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?

No one ever cries when you slice up a bagpipe.

Bagpipe:

The clear indication that satire can be mis-taken as serious work.

Oboes are thrilling, too!
Especially as treated by Mozart.

CK-- If bagpipes were such a bad idea, how come most European cultures have one? And some of them are just as obnoxious as the Highland pipes.

I love bagpipes. I love the oboe. That is all.

OMGOSH Charles... that is TOO MUCH! My wife is looking at me laughing as though I have lost my mind altogether (which actually happened decades ago), but heh!

"from "The Organist's Dictionary of Real Meanings""

And also with you: One of the responses said or sung after the minister has said something, such as "there seems to be something wrong with this microphone

Bach: German composer (1685-1750) who wrote music for examinations in organ playing.

Basse chantate: Bass with a voice suitable for melodic delivery and lyrical parts. They are most commonly seen flying on pigs when the moon is full.

Berlioz: French composer (1803-1869). His mother was a devout Christian and his father a devout atheist. He satisfied them both by writing much beautiful church music but not believing it.

Blues: Any song played slowly which starts "woke up this morning".

Bold experiment: Rector's idea that went wrong.

Buxtehude: Danish composer (1637-1707) who wrote fine organ music and wanted Bach to marry his daughter. He inspired Bach to write organ music and marry someone else.

Canon law: The rule which states that the photocopier breaks down just before printing the last page of the choir anthem.

Churches Together: A body which vainly tries to get Baptists an d Catholics to talk to each other, to get the Free Presbyterians to talk to anyone, and to get Anglicans to talk to other Anglicans.

Cipher: A note which stays on after its key has been released. The organist has a choice of either removing the pipe or playing Messiaen.

Clergy: Those who wish to serve the church but are not clever enough to play the organ.

Coloratura soprano: A singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it.

Console: Musical term for either the part of the organ where the player sits or what some else must do to the organist when the hymn list includes If I Were a Butterfly.

Constructive criticism: The usual excuse for being rude about the music.

Cor anglais: French for "English horn". This refers to an instrument which is neither English nor a horn, but a form of oboe. The instrument is actually French but cannot be called a French horn because that term in used to describe another instrument – which is German.

Cornopean: Stop on an organ where the church could not afford a trumpet.

Custom: In church parlance, this is something done once before, as in "it is our custom". If done two years running, it is a "tradition", and after three years, it is a "long-standing tradition".

Deep meaning: A praise hymn which has more than ten words.

Diplomacy: The art of telling someone to go to Hell so nicely that they look forward to the journey.

Divine guidance: The belief that:
a) God is bothered by what hymns are sung at St. Thomas on Sunday.
b) God chose not to share this wisdom with those who choose the hymns.
c) inexplicably God shared this only with the speaker, and
d) by an amazing coincidence they just happen to be the speaker's favorites.

Doppelschlag: German term for the musical ornament called a 'turn" but which makes it sound a whole lot more exciting.

Enharmonic: Giving the right note the wrong name.

Faith partners: Members of other religions. The modern virtue of working with our faith partners was previously known as the sin of pluralism.

Falsetto: Tenor who is not as good at jumping over fences as he thought.

Family service: The usual penalty for naughty organists.

Figured bass: Method of indicating harmony never used in performance. Its sole purpose is to prevent proper musicians from passing examinations.

Foolish bridesmaids: Former name given to the parable in Matthew 25:1—13. It must now be known as "the parable of the cerebrally challenged bridespersons".

Furioso: Musical term indicating that music is to be played in the manner of an organist who has just been asked to play If I Were a Butterfly.

Fux: Austrian composer (1660-1741) whose name should be pronounced to rhyme with "hooks", particularly if you want to keep your job.

Giuseppe Verdi: Composer of operas (1813-1901) who had the good sense to be born in Italy. Had he been born in England, his name would have been Joe Green, which does not have qu ite the same quality.

Good grace: When an organist does not respond with abuse to comments from a church member but offers to waive the fee for playing the organ at their parents' wedding.

Good organist: Organist at a person's previous church.

Guitar chords: Simple method for indicating harmony in popular music. It is an extremely sensible and useful form of notation which is widely used, and is therefore not taught in music colleges.

If I were a butterfly: A song which has made organists finally acknowledge that perhaps Wide, Wide as the Ocean was not too bad, after all.

Informal worship: Liturgical equivalent of a two-year-old's birthday party.

Inquisition: When one Christian burned another at the stake for not properly showing the love of Christ to the world.

Isorhythmic: Term used to describe a performance of a madrigal by singers using different editions.

Light bulb: Something which provides illumination and endless jokes in church. An exception is for the organ pedal board where a light bulb serves only to fill a dead electrical socket.

Mass in B minor: Work by Bach, so-called because most of it is in D major.

Mode: Scale with the black notes left out.

Musicians Union: Where mafia members go when expelled for bad behavior.

Musicologist: Someone who finds the theory of music too exciting.

Octave coupler: Non-speaking stop used when the organist can stil hear the rector during a hymn.

Organ practice: Private performance of a duet for organ and vacuum cleaner.

Organum: Term which has had no meaning since the 12th century and is therefore widely included in music exams.

Pardon?: The standard answer when someone asks you why you play the organ so loudly.

Phrasing: This is an important aspect of singing, as in the hymn My God I love thee not; because I hope for heaven thereby.

Pipe: Tube with holes in it. Small pipes are called flutes. Large pipes are called water mains.

Practice: Last resort of an organist about to give a recital.

Prelude: The easy bit Bach wrote to trick you into playing one of his fugues.

Psalm 169: Indication on a service sheet that the church secretary does not full understand the subtleties of church music.

Retreat: What clergy go on to advance the cause of Christianity – which explains a lot.

Richard Strauss: Member of the Strauss family who was not related to any of the others.

Second half: Indication in a psalter that you are playing the wrong bit of the chant.

Secularism: The process of removing God from every aspect of human life, and then asking where God is when something goes wrong.

Sesquialtera: Organ mixture stop of two ranks provided by an organ builder who is bored with using the work "mixture".

Shakes: Effect in music produced either by a rapid alternation of notes or by ask ing the organist to play If I Were a Butterfly.

Speed of sound: This is about 772 miles per hour, showing that however keen you are to get away from the sound, it is even keener to get away from you.

Stainer's Crucifixion: Good idea.

Stockhausen: Most cities now have laws which require dog owners to remove this from the pavement.

String quartet: A Soviet symphony after touring the USA.

Tenth: Adding a third to an eighth, proving that music is not a branch of mathematics.

Trio: Term meaning three and which is therefore used as a middle section for any number of players. An exception is a trio sonata, which uses four players.

Trumpet: Stop on an organ, so named because it sounds nothing like a trumpet.

Unaccompanied: When a choir sings without the organ playing. For some reason, this often makes the organ suddenly go sharp.

Liturgical Dictionary According to the Percy Dearmer-ian Rite of the Anglican Use.

Albe: a floor-length white garment which should have no lace on it whatsoever.
Apparel: a lovely length of embroidered silk meant to go on amices, and when bright rose for Gaudete Sunday, may be appropriately called "gay apparel."
Acolyte: a rambunctious young boy, or occaisionally grown man, who should be kept away from putting popcorn kernels in the thurible. May tend to cause accidents in the vestry.
Advent: The season in which has been worn blue vestments for the past one hundred and thirty years, and can't anymore, because Sarum Blue is not an officially-sanctioned liturgical colour.
Alcuin: God's chosen Apostle to the 19th Century Anglicans.
Alcuin Club: the spearhead of revival of authentic liturgical Christianity in the Church of England.
Altar: the place where the Mass is offered upon. Should not have towering candlesticks, an enormous crucifix, or a flight of giant gradines attached to a sun-obscuring reredos behind it, as well as no bathmat frontals, and nothing resembling an article from the Bad Vestments blog.
Altar cloth: The fair linen cloth on the very top layer of fabric on the altar. Should not have any lace whatsoever.
Altar Cards: a bad idea.
Altar rails: those little railings which are now curiously absent from most churches, despite the kneeling for Communion rubric in the BCP, and no mandate from Rome to remove them.
Amen: a word never to be pronounced Ay-men.
Ambo: the place they don't want to call the pulpit, even when there is a lectern on the opposite side of the church.
Anglican Chant: a longstanding tradition that can be done well as long as you have a choir actually in tune.
Ante-Communion: an integral part of the delightful 18th Century Anglican tradition of Mattins, Litany, and Ante-Communion, all pronounced in the melodiously bored drone of an Anglican priest with too little sleep.
Antependium: a necessary for any church, also called a frontal. Is sadly omitted by most churches that think a single altar cloth over a barely-ornamented Holy Table make for a fully-vested altar.
Apostasy: The accusation when a Low Church Anglican attended a Ritualist parish.
Asperges: The one ceremony in which one can have water thrown at you, and not get to throw it back.
Bishop: The guy in the tall, pointy hat whose arrival makes a choir, priest, lectors and acolytes have to work very hard, and might occasionally celebrate a Mass in your parish. Should be kept away from music sheets, keyboards, hymns, or anything resembling a Glory and Praise book in liberal dioceses.
BCP: The book formerly used, consisting of lovely English prose, and excellent Morning and Evening Prayers, but a rather butchered Communion service that needed some touch-ups when it first composed. (Namely, not splitting the canon in three parts, paraphrasing it to avoid mention of sacrifice, and moving the three parts before the preface, after the Crumbs under your Table prayer, and after the Communion. )
Cranmer: first Anglican Archbishop of Canterbury. Wonderful at translating Latin prayers into beautiful English prose, terrible at theology. Should have been hired by the ICEL in 1973.
Hymn: songs written in praise of God before the 1960s struck. Songs written in praise of God afterwards will be henceforth referred to as "Musica sacra non esse amplius" songs, or MSNEAs for short.
Liturgy: the sacred participation in the mystery of the Passion, Death, and Resurrection of Christ in a mystical way, in which is made present the Sacrifice of Calvary, and in which we are joined to Christ through the Communion of His Body and Blood. Should not involve puppets, clowns, tambourines, guitars, people bearing bowls of incense, dancing, coffee-table altars, people bearing bowls of incense and dancing around coffee table altars, rock concerts, tie-dye, marijuana mixed with incense, and rolling around in aisles, gibbering in a tongue nobody but the 'speaker' can translate.