O Bone Jesu SATB- please critique/comment
  • Dear friends of the CMAA,

    I'm looking for a critical analysis of this piece, an "O Bone Jesu" by yours truly, Richard Kochel (currently a student at Ave Maria University, FL). I composed this piece over Christmas Break. I was hoping that people could give me feed back on it, whether positive or negative (please keep it constructive, thank you).

    If, in the chance one so wishes to use this piece at Mass, let me know. If it is recorded, I ask that I may also receive a recording of it. Otherwise, it is free to be printed.

    Sincerely,

    Richard
    O Bone Jesu by R.M.K.pdf
    114K
  • Richard MixRichard Mix
    Posts: 2,815
    Good for you: you've made decisions about phrasing and breathing! These markings are a bit at odds with the underlay punctuation "O bone Jesu miserere, nobis", which can't be correct, can it? Other than that, I'm only unsure exactly what you have in mind with "chant like".

    Sorry not to be more analytical/critical of the music as such; I must plead that I personally find F# harder to grock than Gb. Is this an Opus 1?
  • Richard: The breathe markings are indeed optional, and can be changed. I was using Musescore. Chant-like is mainly having to do with the bass in which the rhythm is obscured from the 4/4 because of the grouping of three's and two's. Also, it is the feel of that section that I wish to convey, such as what a smooth and reflectiveness such as chant has.

    This is Opus 1 for a sacred motet, and I left it in F# because when I first discovered the melody, it was in that key. The key can (of course) be changed if necessary to accommodate those who cannot sing in F# . However, the range is not bad for being in F#; it's just that it has many sharps.

    Thank you for your comment! I really appreciate it.

  • A couple of minor comments:  Surely (second system) "Quia" can't be set to a single dotted half note.  I also find the phrase marks in the bass line on page 2 very confusing; either those are wrong, or the lyrics are in the wrong place.  And "tu" is not traditionally capitalized in Latin when referring to God.

    P.S., if I were you I would immediately get rid of the "English Translation" at the end, which is bad as English and terrible as a translation. ;-)
  • chonakchonak
    Posts: 9,220
    Well, it's not really a translation; it looks like it's intended as a singable English text for the same melodies.

  • francis
    Posts: 10,848
    can you post an mp3 of this?
  • Mark:  Because of the musical line, I decided to have the "quia" pronounced on one note, such as when in masses they have "kyrie eleison" where the eleison is with two notes, although it is typically done with three syllables.  The phrasing with the bass line is to give the exact phrasing of the line for the bass.  It is to indicate the groupings of the notes, similar to the Solemes method, which is 2 groups of neums of 2 neums or 3 neums.  If the marking had not been made, the polyrhythm which is present in the page would not occur.  They would just rather go with the tendency to fall into a 4 count.  I do know that the English Translation is not the truest to the text, but that is why I put the literal translation in. However, the words themselves do convey a similar idea of what the piece is praying.

    Chonak: I agree with you.

    Francis: I will have a recording when the Camerata of Ave Maria sing it, or when the Ave Maria University 10am mass group sings it (which it is scheduled in 3 weeks).  I would send the midi file, but I don't think it does the piece justice.  There are just too many pauses and fermatas or swells or increases in the movement of the piece that it would not be worth the time getting together.
  • Btw, here is the link to the Camerata of Ave Maria:
    http://camerataam.blogspot.com/
  • francis
    Posts: 10,848
    send midi file if you can... i always prefer to do an aura-theoretical analysis that often sheds light on artistic [harmonic spatial relationships (both vertical and horizontal)] that simple visual analysis can not.
  • Richard - I assume you have given it to one or more of your worthy professors?

    - Melissa (graduated last year - met you at the Mahler concert)
  • Hey Melissa! Yeah, of course I remember you! :-)

    In fact, I asked all the professors I knew at Ave, and they just directed me to Dr. McDonnell; he has it already and is looking at it. I've also given it to the composer Kevin Allen.

    Did you find anything?

    Sincerely,

    Richard
  • CHGiffenCHGiffen
    Posts: 5,199
    I've finally had a chance to go over the score and generally agree with comments made by others already. Additionally, I'll add that I wonder about the advisability of the parallel octaves in m. 21 (S & B), m. 24 (S & T), and m. 35 (S & B) - to me, they weaken the texture. Personally, I think I might want to transpose it up a bit (either to G or A-flat), which might make the octave doubling of the bass in m. 29-30 unnecessary. All in all, though, this is a reasonable first effort. Keep composing - and study the works of others.
  • Richard,

    I haven't had time yet to examine it closely, but some things I've noticed:

    1. F# is just a nasty key. And it really doesn't match the motet style.
    2. Get rid of parallel octaves!
    3. Your dynamic markings are very, very thorough, and that's good insofar as it helps other groups to perform the music as you envision it - but it's a very Romantic trait, not in the motet style. I don't know how authentic you're aiming to be stylistically, though.
    4. You begin the piece with a dissonant chord due to the basses' B. If you are looking for an authentic, Fux-approved sound, this isn't going to work. Even if you're not trying to be perfectly authentic, bass is boss (as I'm sure you've heard a million times!) and it really confuses the ear as to the key of the piece. I don't advise bringing in that much dissonance until you've thoroughly established the tonality of the motet.
    5. 2 before A, the bass leaps down a tri-tone. Soprano melody leading into the 6/4 time (1st page, ultimate measure) is a diminished chord (not obvious within the texture - the contrary motion between S&B is good) but again, it messes with the tonality of the piece, and strays from the stylistic understanding of harmony/dissonance. You'll rarely, if ever, find diminished chords figuring prominently (i.e., in an exterior voice) in a typical Palestrina/Bach/etc. motet, and tri-tones are practically punishable by banishment.
    6. Examine carefully for parallel 5ths and 8ves (I haven't noticed any particularly - they were just the bane of my theoretical existence so I always warn about them!)

    I'm extremely impressed with the initiative and energy, to say nothing of the love for music, you're showing by your musical endeavors. You're adding so much to the department - to say nothing of learning in the best way possible, by trying, making mistakes, and learning from them!

    Melissa
  • Thank you all for your comments. I will try to do some re-working of the piece in order to take out as many parallel 5th's and octaves. The doubled bass is to leave the option open for the bass singers in case that can't sing that low.

    @Melissa and CHGiffen: Thank you for your encouragement!

    @Melissa: I'm glad you picked up on the Romantic style. It isn't written to be motet style. If you think of Faure, Durufle, Franck, Dupre, or Debussy, you are getting closer to what I am envisioning for this piece.

    The bass singing the B is deliberate. I do not want a key to be established at first, nor establish as much tonality. Also, I do not see the tri-tone you are speaking of in the tenor (2 before A). The tenor sings B-A#-G# back up to a B (ie, from measures 10-12)...

    @GFGiffen: I think you are right about the key signature; it was however the original key that I sung the melody when I first got the motif of the song in my head. I will be doing some experimenting in which key would be suitable. Do you have any composers that you would especially recommend for studying?
  • Mm. 11-12 has the bass (not the tenor) singing an E# (=F) then a B natural. Tritone.

    I shall stop analyzing it from a Renaissance perspective, then ;) And in that case, I commend you even more strongly, since it was evoking the composers you mention.
  • CHGiffenCHGiffen
    Posts: 5,199
    With regard to key signature, I just feel that transposing the piece up, say a whole step to A-flat, lets all the voices lie in a more comfortable range (and the octave doubling in the bass which I mentioned would be unnecessary).
  • This is a midi (I don't really call midi files recordings. I think of them as practice tools). When I speak of recordings I speak of real choirs or vocal ensembles that sing and record a live performance or production of a piece.

    But here it is: "O Bone Jesu" (now in G major), which makes the lowest note in the basses an F natural. I will later on take out the parallel's when I get a chance.


    ...it says this: "File upload failed. Reason:

    (O Bone Jesu_Romantic style.mscz.mid) Uploaded file type is not allowed."

    What can I do about this?
  • chonakchonak
    Posts: 9,220
    Would you retry that, please? I've added ".mid" to the list of accepted types.
  • thanks Richard! This .mid file is certainly only a very rough version of this piece. It doesn't take into account dynamics, blending, tempo differences, nor fermatas.

    anyway, here it is.

    RK
  • oops...here it is.
    O Bone Jesu_final.mid
    2K