Hymn text critique and help
  • Adam WoodAdam Wood
    Posts: 6,451
    I work at an Episcopal church, so a discussion about the relative merits of metrical hymnody is besides the point.
    Anywho...

    Having some difficulty finding lectionary-related hymns for this Sunday, I have written the following hymntext.
    (Side note- the RCL readings for this Sunday match the Catholic [OF] lectionary, except the Psalm, which is Ps84)
    Several of you are much better writers than I, so I'm hoping to get some feedback/suggestions/corrections/additions/etc

    The tune I have in mind is HOLY MANNA, but I'm open to suggestions for that too (especially tunes well known by Episcopalians, if you happen to know)



    God of mercy, hope of Israel
    Savior to our broken soul
    Come among us, dwell within us,
    change our hearts and make us whole.
    Often have we wandered from you,
    often faithless we have been.
    Rescue us from sin and error
    bring us back to you again.

    God of mercy, friend of Justice
    you our champion, you our aid.
    Rescue us from foe and failure
    Save the people you have made.
    All our fasting, all our praying,
    all our songs and skillful arts:
    Naught but noise before your footstool
    Til you dwell within in our hearts.

    God of mercy, hope of sinners,
    humbly we cry out for light.
    Give us hearts to serve you gladly
    Give us strength to win the fight.
    We pour out our lives to you, Lord
    run the race that ends with you.
    Fly into your arms awaiting
    where you make all people new.



    I'm a little unhappy with soul/whole for several reasons (plurality, rhyme triteness). I'm also afraid that here and there it tends toward the goofy, but I can't put my finger on it.

    Any help is appreciated, particularly fast help, as I need to let the nice lady who makes the programs what music we're doing as soon as possible.
  • Kathy
    Posts: 5,500
    Adam,

    This looks great to me. I like the parallelisms: at the beginning of the verses, and at the beginnings of lines 5&6, 13&14, and 19&20--one set per verse. Excellent.

    "Soul" could be fixed by substituting "the" for "hour." Would that be enough?

    How about Nettleton?
  • Kathy
    Posts: 5,500
    Btw there's an extra "in" in line 16.
  • Adam WoodAdam Wood
    Posts: 6,451
    Thanks!

    With edits:


    God of mercy, hope of Israel
    Savior to the broken soul
    Come among us, dwell within us,
    change our hearts and make us whole.
    Often have we wandered from you,
    often faithless we have been.
    Rescue us from sin and error
    bring us back to you again.

    God of mercy, friend of Justice
    you our champion, you our aid.
    Rescue us from foe and failure
    Save the people you have made.
    All our fasting, all our praying,
    all our songs and skillful arts:
    Naught but noise before your footstool
    Til you dwell within our hearts.

    God of mercy, hope of sinners,
    humbly we cry out for light.
    Give us hearts to serve you gladly
    Give us strength to win the fight.
    We pour out our lives to you, Lord
    run the race that ends with you.
    Fly into your arms awaiting
    where you make all people new.
  • Adam WoodAdam Wood
    Posts: 6,451
    Unfortunately I already have "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" planned for the Processional, so Nettleton is probably out.
  • Adam WoodAdam Wood
    Posts: 6,451
    (BTW, I intend to capitalize all the God pronouns, as is my standard practice... I was just in typing hurry.)
    (PS BTW- When did NOT capitalizing God pronouns become the norm? I see a lot of hymnals that don't do it and it always bothers me.)
  • Adam WoodAdam Wood
    Posts: 6,451
    I'm starting to think maybe HYFRYDOL...
  • Kathy
    Posts: 5,500
    Hyfrydol would work. It has the right tone, I think.
  • Adam WoodAdam Wood
    Posts: 6,451
    The "our" to "the" change has made a huge difference in how I feel about this text...
  • Adam WoodAdam Wood
    Posts: 6,451
    Anyone have a .mus (finale) file of a standard 4-part for Hyfrydol?
  • M. Jackson Osborn
    Posts: 8,368
    Stylistically, I think line 6 would flow better and have a more poetic 'feel' if it read '...have we...' instead of '...we have...'
    The tune 'Rex Gloriae' would work nicely with this text (Hymnal 1940, Hymn 103, 2nd tune)
    I think your hymn is beautifully composed. You should write more!
  • Adam WoodAdam Wood
    Posts: 6,451
    hmmm....

    I have no sense for gauging MJO's opinion on this point. I did it differently on the two lines for variation...

    Kathy? Anyone else vote for MJO's option?



    And thanks!!


    I wrote a few hymns this past Lent:
    Eternal is Your Promise
    God of Those Who Came Before Us
    (I also have written a few feminist hymns, but I won't link to them from here.)
    and have written a few others here and there... I'd like to write more, but you know... you has the time?
  • Adam WoodAdam Wood
    Posts: 6,451
    I've sing it a few times, and I agree with "have we"
  • chonakchonak
    Posts: 9,160
    In verse 2: I like the sentiment of

    All our fasting, all our praying,
    all our songs and skillful arts:
    Naught but noise before your footstool
    Til you dwell within our hearts.

    On the other hand, I think the contrast between the interior spiritual life and exterior acts could be made clearer. Praying and fasting are not exterior acts in quite the same sense as songs and arts are.

    First of all, fasting is a not-doing. And prayer, of course, is the way we are to welcome God interiorly. So there really shouldn't be a suggestion that prayer and fasting --basic practices of spiritual life-- are set in contrast against the idea of seeking God intimately.

    Songs and arts, on the other hand, are exterior works, so it is reasonable to contrast them with the interior dwelling of God in the soul. What other words denote exterior acts that can be set in contrast with the interior life? Words, work, works, labor, speech, striving, doing, deeds?
  • Adam WoodAdam Wood
    Posts: 6,451
    The fasting/praying lines come from the prayer of the Pharisee:
    "I fast twice a week!"

    What about:

    All our works and all our fasting,
    all our songs and all our arts:

    ??
  • chonakchonak
    Posts: 9,160
    Oh, I didn't recognize the suggestion. If you want to evoke the Pharisee, you can make that clearer by mentioning his tithes too: for example,

    All our fasts and all our giving,
    all our songs and skillful arts,

    ("skillful" avoids singing the words "all our" the fourth time, which would be a bit much).

    In v. 3, I would question "humbly" a little: it doesn't seem humble to say that we're humble :-)

    e.g.:
    God of mercy, hope of sinners,
    You alone can give us light.
    Grant us strength to serve you gladly
    Make us hearts to win the fight.

    (In a couplet like the last two lines, I like swapping the conventional subject-predicate pairs around to create a surprising effect.)
  • Adam WoodAdam Wood
    Posts: 6,451
    i like it.

    i had the same issue with humbly...
    I wanted to bring the humility reference in because of the Gospel this is written for, but I admit that was a little.... sloppy.

    unfortunately I had to give the music to the program-lady a few hours ago, but these ideas will get rolled into the canonical version, which I'll post in a day or two when I have time to re-set it.
  • Adam WoodAdam Wood
    Posts: 6,451
    oh, and I never meant to put the "all our" in a fourth time- that was a speed typing mistake
  • chonakchonak
    Posts: 9,160
    I wonder about the other half of v3, which has two lines of monosyllables:

    We pour out our lives to you, Lord
    run the race that ends with you.
    Fly into your arms awaiting
    where you make all people new.


    Of course you're alluding to images from St Paul ("I am being poured out like a libation" and "Run the race so as to win"/"I have run the race"). I don't have a suggestion offhand for these lines, but maybe you or someone else will have some more ideas. Putting both those images in successive lines gives me the feeling of a sort of clutter, as in a text with mixed metaphors. I'd change line 5 but keep the 'race' image in lines 6-7. Also, can 5-6 be phrased to sustain the mode of petition from lines 1-4?
  • Adam WoodAdam Wood
    Posts: 6,451
    I get what you're saying, but not sure I agree (not sure I disagree...)
    Point-by-point

    -Two lines of monosyllables
    Is this considered bad form? Hrm...

    -Mixed metaphors / Clutter
    Always a problem when trying to stuff too much scriptural reference into a few lines, while trying to rhyme at the same time. I don't know that I have a solution that doesn't simply drop the "poured out" image, which I'm especially fond of (as an idea... not as in my particular implementation).
    Ideas/suggestions welcome.

    -mode of petition
    Without turning into a "things we do" kind of hymn, I thought it important to come back around to us, and what we ought to do. I see this type of language not so much as a "we have done this/ we are doing this" but rather "we know this is what we should do / we are trying / please help us." I had a passing reminder of "We fly to your protection, O holy Mother of God" and particularly like the conception that the race Paul speaks of is that flight into the safety of God's embrace.
    The problem for me with these last few lines is that, even if I had punctuated it better, I feel like the grammar isn't quite clear.
  • BruceL
    Posts: 1,072
    I would suggest another tune. I'll duck the inevitable flying tomatoes when I say this, but Holy Manna sounds decidedly "camp-meeting" to me (and I should know, growing up in Appalachia as an Anabaptist surrounded by Methodists!)

    I would look in the metrical index of the 1982, but here's a few that jump off the page to me: In Babilone (the "Piskies" I used to play for loved that one!) or even Abbot's Leigh. Rustington is a favorite of mine, but perhaps that is too triumphalist and Edwardian! Anyhow, I know tunes are very subjective, but if this is a more high church place, they might like those tunes better.
  • Adam WoodAdam Wood
    Posts: 6,451
    I ended up going with Hyfrydol.
    I'm still recovering from three days in houston (woot woot), but I will post the final version of the this text, set to Hyfydol, as soon as I can.
  • Adam WoodAdam Wood
    Posts: 6,451
    I'm posting what I consider the final text.
    If anyone decides to use this (in three years when this set of readings comes up again) feel free to make minor alterations to fit your taste.
    (Just put "alt. YOUR NAME" if you do.)

    I really ought to write these things a few weeks ahead of time, just in case someone likes it enough to use, they don't have to wait 3 years. Ah well...

    FNJ suggested I challenge composers to write new tunes...
    If you feel so moved, have at it!
    I do ask that any tunes written specifically for this text be released for free use in worship.

    Thank you all for you help and input. It was very well received this past Sunday.

    I
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