Longtime lurker here. I learn so much from all of you, but this is my first post. I just lost my mom, and am considering whether or not I should play for my mother's funeral service. I've been a church pianist for over 25 years, but haven't done that many funerals as I play for a small cluster of rural parishes. If anyone has any advice, I'd appreciate the input.
Sincere condolences upon the death of your mom. In my experience, it has worked better to have professionals take on roles at funerals. I found out that the role I was supposed to take was that of mourner, and I'm glad for the choice I made. This may also be true for you. Grief is a funny thing, and can come upon us at unexpected times. Praying for you and the repose of your mom.
I have sung for the Requiem Masses of my grandmother and my uncle (both close) along with a schola, but I had a friend direct it just in case I didn't feel up to it. I'm not an emotional person at all so I was confident that I could have directed myself, but still thought it wasn't a good idea. Even if one keeps emotions in check, he is bound to be much more distracted during the funeral of a family member than during that of a stranger. If you are going to attempt anything, I'd recommend having a backup or just filling the role as a singer (in a group) and let someone else play/direct.
Here's a routine reminder: Avoid flames: critique principles, not people. Be discriminating but don't nitpick. Be academic not acerbic. Be principled not polemical.
I have done it, too. My mother left a list of the music she wanted so maybe playing was my last gift to her. The organ was a distance away from my family members so that helped, too.
When a close uncle passed, some family tried getting me to play at least part of the Mass, but they got the hint I didn't want to play. When my grandfather died, my mother picked the hymns and had me give it to the in-house organist and that was it. I highly doubt I'll be able to do anything for either my mother's or father's funerals when they come.
I think it's best that you be fully present at your mother's funeral without the burden of playing. We'll be praying for her and your family. God bless.
Played for my grandfather. It was only congregational hymns, so I didn't really have to lead the singing, but I did send around the music to the family and told them to practise beforehand and sing lustily on the day.
I was glad to play, it gave me something to do, and I would have been distracted throughout if the music was done poorly by someone else. But if there had been the opportunity for someone more qualified to play, I would have gladly taken it.
I wouldn't sing, least of all in a solo capacity. I find it very difficult to sing while emotional.
I sung for my grandfather's funeral and it was fine, but I don't tend to get overly emotional. Ultimately I suppose you will know better than anyone here how you would hold up. Don't by any means feel that you should, though, if you don't want to.
I second GerardH's idea after playing for my grandmother's funeral. Play if you really want to (and not because you feel pressured to as the "family musician"), but I wouldn't sing. It just isn't a recipe for a beautiful funeral Mass experience for anyone involved. My mom says that I'm singing for her funeral when the time comes...we'll see how that goes.
Here's a routine reminder: Critique principles, not people.
My condolences to 2KM; eternal rest and memory eternal for your mother.
I've only sung for a not-close family member, a first cousin who died in sad circumstances (cancer, leaving husband and two young children), and that experience made me firm against trying to sing for the funeral for anyone closer in relationship to me.
For my late parents, I merely took vigorous directive charge of music selection with the parish "bereavement ministry" (hereafter, "BM") and through them the parish music director. (Fortunately, I knew the parish hymnal, and what was possible outside of the BM's feeble Missalette Beige repertoire list.) None of us gave a personal remembrance during the Mass - we basically said: no thanks, we're mourning/praying/giving-thanks, please offer your ministries accordingly.
Eternal rest grant unto her, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine shine upon her. May her soul and the souls of all the faithful departed through the mercy of God rest in peace.
I'd like to think that when the time comes that I'm in such a position, I'll be more comfortable in the loft than anywhere else, seeing as I basically have the requiem chants memorized anyway (and anytime that I go to a sung Mass and don't sing, it feels weird). But when the actual time comes, it may be a different story...
My wife and I sang Missa XVIII for my mother's funeral (but not the propers), no problem. But she was in her mid-nineties, had spent a couple of months lingering impatiently in hospital, and had stopped breathing while holding my hand, fortified by the last rites. I could not have done that for my wife, who only spent an unanticipated five days in intensive care.
Played for mother's mother's funeral in Germany 2016. German novus ordo with Gotteslob hymnal. Even German catholics sing quite well compared to USA. Played for father's parents' funerals in 2021 and 2022. They were episcopalian so we got to use the 1982 with all the last verse reharmonizations and everyone was singing in parts. Bach was prelude and postlude too.
All family members very appreciative of being able to have me play for them. Father's parents specifically requested I play for their funerals.
Also played for a cousin's wedding too.
Probably could/would not play for siblings or parents.
2KingsMinstrel, what a wonderful gift to give to your mom! May her soul rest in peace. Speaking from experience, this is a very personal decision. Ultimately, your place is with your family; you may be needed more by them than serving with music ministry. I recommend consulting first with your family members, and definitely the pastor and music director so everyone is in agreement. Have a backup plan because you never know how people will react in the moment. Parishes are often very focused on having family members participate in the liturgy. In my case, except for my participation, this was not possible. I planned the funeral liturgies and served as a lay minister (both reader and cantor) at the funeral Masses for both my father and my mother. As a family member, I placed the pall on the casket and carried the cremated remains in the procession (both parents were cremated, dad after the funeral Mass, and mom before the funeral Mass). I composed an intercession for the universal prayer. I felt this was the least I could do to return them home to our Lord, and to thank them for the sacrifices they made for my faith formation. I count this among the most difficult things I have ever done but the Lord gave me the strength to persevere.
I just did the funeral of my own mother last month. Since I've been a full-time music director/organist, I've also done funerals for a grandfather and a sister-in-law. The decision should be totally up to you with your family. For me, having done hundreds of funerals by now, when I got on the bench for my mom's, it was pretty much like any other funeral I've done; I just get locked into the "job" (the burial rites at the cemetery were a whole other matter). But if you haven't done a lot of funerals, it may understandably be more difficult for you. I think either way is perfectly acceptable and should be honored.
May her soul, and all the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace.
As an organist and occasional cantor, I would not attempt it. When my father died at age 88, I selected all music for the funeral Mass and entrusted the playing/singing to close colleagues. My family and I knew the end was coming before he passed but it was still a sad day. I would probably have managed my emotions well enough to play through the Mass, but I chose not to take that risk and put further stress on myself. I suggest making arrangements with musicians you highly trust and whose liturgical judgments you respect.
Very sorry for your loss. I did my mother's, father's, brother's, father's second wife's, many aunts', uncles', and friends' funerals. For me, it's the last thing I can do for them.
Thank you all for your thoughts & kind words. I ultimately decided not to play for my mother's service. Although I was fairly confident that I could get through it without blubbering, it seems this whole grief train carries enough stress without adding to the load. Thanks for your input. May God bless you all!
Shoot, I get somewhat emotional trying to sing at non-family members' funerals, so I probably wouldn't even be capable of doing one of my parents' funerals. Unless my parents specifically told me or requested I sing (which, although they love my chanting, I doubt they would), OR I would somehow be the only way they could have a Sung Requiem Mass, I wouldn't even try - I'd get someone I know or trust to take care of it.
I have played one funeral for a much older first cousin and a couple of funerals for in-laws. I really could not do play for closer relatives as playing for a stranger's funeral still makes me emotionally raw, although I regularly play for funerals.
My family are all evangelicals. I’ve been asked to play the piano for every funeral since I was 12. No parents or siblings yet, but [great-]grandparents and some more distant relatives. Playing for these (couple hymns and maybe a solo) requires very little effort, makes the whole clan happy, and is more pleasant than listening to the current generation of evangelical volunteer pianists, who seem to force every hymn into 4, drop it a 5th, and only play I, IV, V, or vi block chords.
I can mentally pray the Rosary for my relative’s soul during the sermon, and ignore the other bits in which the deceased is inevitably lionized and canonized.
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