The Baptism of the Lord seems to me to be a bit of an odd feast without a lot of songs that are familiar to people. I gave writing new verses for I Heard the Voice of Jesus Say a try. Does this make theological and musical sense? The vision here is to go from hearing the voice of John the Baptist, to the Father, to hearing Jesus call you to Baptism.
1.(NEW) I heard the prophet's voice cry out "Prepare the way of the Lord Make straight for Him thy crooked paths For the Kingdom is at hand" I came to the Jordan and I saw John the Baptist prophecy: "Behold the Lamb of God who takes Away the sins of the world"
2. (NEW) I heard the Father's voice resound "You are my beloved Son" I saw the Holy Ghost descend Upon Him like a dove The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost One majestic Trinity I saw before my eyes revealed Jesus Christ's Divinity
3. (NEW?) I heard the voice of Jesus say, “Come unto Me and rest; With living waters I baptize; With Holy Spirit and fire” I came to Jesus and I found My longing heart's desire I found in him a resting place And he has made me glad.
3. (ORIGINAL) I heard the voice of Jesus say, “Come unto Me and rest; Lay down, O weary one, lay down Thy head upon My breast.” I came to Jesus as I was, Weary, and worn, and sad; I found in him a resting-place, And he has made me glad.
4. (ORIGINAL) I heard the voice of Jesus say, “Behold, I freely give The living water; thirsty one, Stoop down, and drink, and live.” I came to Jesus, and I drank Of that life-giving stream; My thirst was quench'd, my soul revived, And now I live in him.
It's in part because other than the two changes made to the Mass of January 13, the Baptism of the Lord in the West is already a part of the office of the Epiphany, above all the magnificent antiphon of the Magnificat from II Vespers, but it is largely subordinated to the visit of the Magi; the wedding at Cana is at least on its own Sunday, outside of the (former) octave, where it is the day's Gospel.
I mean, that's actually not that much different compared to the Byzantine rite…it's just that the Byzantines do the blessing of the waters and have a somewhat more prominent place for the Baptism of the Lord in their celebration of Theophany as a result.
For the added verses, they'll work best musically if they can follow the rhyme scheme and meter of the original version.
"I Heard the Voice of Jesus Say" is a beautiful and beloved hymn, though some people have misgivings about it, since it presents 'words of Jesus' that aren't in Scripture, but are clearly the poet's invention.
If you end up with a hymn about the Baptism that stays close to the account given in the Gospels, it might become a valued contribution on its own.
So I workedshopped this with a friend, and we made it all rhyme, at the expense of some paraphrasing:
1. I heard the prophet's voice cry out "Prepare for Christ the way; Make straight for Him thy crooked paths For the Kingdom comes today" I came to the Jordan and I saw John the Baptist prophesy: "Behold the Lamb of God who comes To suffer and to die."
2. I heard the Father's voice resound "You are My Son whom I love" I saw the Holy Ghost descend Upon Him like a dove. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost One majestic Trinity I saw before my eyes revealed Jesus Christ's Divinity.
Another option for verse 2 would be something like:
2. I heard the Father's voice resound "You are My beloved Son" I saw the Holy Ghost descend Upon the anointed one. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost One majestic Trinity I saw before my eyes revealed Jesus Christ's Divinity.
Rhyming is an improvement (as is currently being discussed elsewhere about Benediction hymns), but you've fallen into a pitfall of not following the original meter. I heard the voice uses the meter 8686D, i.e. the lines alternate eight and six syllables. There are a few spots where you have too many syllables, probably because you're singing along to KINGSFOLD, which occasionally puts two notes on one syllable.
For: For the Kingdom comes today." I came to the Jordan and I saw John the Baptist prophesy:
Try: The Kingdom comes today." I came to Jordan and I saw The Baptist prophesy:
For: "You are my Son whom I love."
I have no good suggestion.
For: One majestic Trinity I saw before my eyes revealed Jesus Christ's Divinity.
Try: Majestic Trinity I saw before my eyes revealed The Christ's Divinity.
Another pitfall is inconsistent and incorrect use of thee/thou/thy. Those are first-person singular pronouns; ye/you/your are the corresponding plural pronouns. Not sure if 'prepare thy crooked paths' is meant to be singular or plural, but I suspect plural; 'You are my Son' should be 'Thou art my Son' if we're committing to the early-modern usage.
The meter of the text fails: it's not iambic, trochaic, or something else that I can fathom, and is thus too irregular for a regular tune (texts with irregular meter usually have custom tunes for this reason).
That said, the Baptism of the Lord is the first theophany of the Most Holy Trinity, and expressly celebrated as such in the traditions of the Eastern Churches.
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