The Death of Jesus : Hymn : Needs Lyrics : by Koerber (completed 7-16-2021)
  • francisfrancis
    Posts: 9,456
    I composed this back in the early 80s and it needs a text. Anyone want to take a shot? The theme of the music is the 'Death of Jesus'.

    http://www.myopus.com/preview/theDeathOfJesus.mp4
  • Kathy
    Posts: 5,345
    What makes this a little tough is the music seems to call out for what's known as "feminine rhyme," which means two rhymed syllables. English is so rhyme-poor that this is difficult, and even when it is done correctly, it's very difficult to avoid cliches.

    Let All Things Now Living does a good job but even that has a sing-song quality in the lyrics.

    It's beautiful music, though! Very true to the subject.
    Thanked by 1francis
  • francisfrancis
    Posts: 9,456
    I thought I would take a shot myself...

    the mother now must follow
    her son weighed down with sorrow
    his sacred veins are shattered
    his face and body battered

    his garments torn and toiled
    and all who saw recoiled
    the sight, none could believe it
    had they not lived to see it.

    thrown down, defaced so cruelly
    his wounds were opened newly
    raised high, he cried, “O father”
    and then “behold, your mother’.

    then Jesus’ breath in failing
    gave out his final wailing
    into thy hands i forfeit
    my life and very spirit.

    the sun and moon retire
    the earth convulsed with fire
    the curtain tore asunder
    midst lightning, rain and thunder.

    Into the arms of Mary
    was Jesus gently carried
    and tears like holy water
    fell down upon the altar

    all bound, betrayed in violence
    and wrapped and laid in silence
    the world is gripped in mourning
    until that Sunday morning. (or dawning might be better)

    NOTE: This hymn is dedicated to the present suffering of Mother Church as she walks the passion anew once again... she is disfigured beyond recognition, and her own are causing the rise of the Bitter Sea.
  • Don9of11Don9of11
    Posts: 485
    I would prefere, O Come And Mourn With Me Awhile.

    However, in the first stanza of verses of your text I would reconsider the use of "sorrow", since in Genesis, the woman will bring forth children in sorrow. The mother would be weighed down in sorrow.

    In the second stanza of verses I suggest instead of "torn and toiled" use instead "torn and soiled" which would be an allusion to his "falling three times".

    Stanzas 3, 4, and 5 I would throw out and revise stanza 6, verses 3 and 4. The crucified Jesus is the Lamb / sacrifice, not "the altar". "Tears like holy water"? Perhaps, "Her tears of sorrow fell upon her crucified son" Not everything has to rhyme.

    The church is the bride of Christ, despite the difficult times which she has endured many times before, she is still a most beautiful bride. I would suggest a different theme in your final note.
  • francisfrancis
    Posts: 9,456
    Don

    You are certainly welcome to try your hand at a different rendition.
  • francisfrancis
    Posts: 9,456
    The altar was Golgotha... her Tears flowed over that rock, the original altar of sacrifice. Logically, you might say Mary was the living aspergillum.
    Thanked by 1ServiamScores
  • francisfrancis
    Posts: 9,456
    Why would you throw those verses away?
  • CHGiffenCHGiffen
    Posts: 4,658
    Don9of11, "O come and mourn with me awhile" is a Long Metre (88. 88 iambic) tune and does not fit the metre (77. 77 iambic) of Francis's tune at all. This tune is one of very few iambic 77. 77's that exist (most are trochaic), which may be related to the paucity of texts.

    Francis, this is a quite noble textual effort, indeed. There are a couple of technical qualms, though, both of which have to do with pronunciation(?):

    Do you intend "toiled" and "recoiled" to be pronounced as "toy-led" and "recoy-led"? And similarly do you intend "retire" and "fire" to be pronounced as "rety-er" and "fy-er"? "Fy-er" has a long history ("Fyer, fyer, burning bright/in the shadows of the night"). But I question the application of this principle to "rety-er". In both cases I cite, the lines turn into 66 iambic rather than 77 iambic. I suppose one solution would be simply to assign the final two notes of this lines to the final syllable (instead of tinkering with the pronunciation). Anyway, kudos, and many thanks!!

    Thanked by 3Liam francis Skladach
  • francisfrancis
    Posts: 9,456
    Good observations... it was near midnight as I was hammering this out... will have to revisit with your suggestions... thanks!
    Thanked by 1CHGiffen
  • francisfrancis
    Posts: 9,456
    revision 1.1
    change in text to reflect meter
    change in the final word as a contrast to mourning/morning
    change in harmony to eliminate a parallel fifth
    Thanked by 1CHGiffen
  • Kathy
    Posts: 5,345
    If the voice of experience helps at all, I find that what I do more than anything when writing hymn texts is wait. I discard many many ideas for every 1 that makes it to the page. Most of my time is spent waiting for the right idea to in a sense reveal itself.

    So many things have to be right: theology, rhyme, meter, and poetry. It's probably best not to rush the process. YMMV.
  • francisfrancis
    Posts: 9,456
    It's probably best not to rush the process.
    Yea, that's the way it usually goes... I started this one in 1983.
  • Francis, what lovely work. I am hearing a text on this theme. I'll either post it here or message you when it's done.
    Thanked by 3francis CHGiffen Kathy
  • Skladach
    Posts: 15
    If the last two syllables in lines 2 and 4 of each verse are tied together (suspension and resolution), then the meter of the hymn is 7.6.7.6., the same as "O Sacred Head Surrounded".
  • CHGiffenCHGiffen
    Posts: 4,658
    then the meter of the hymn is 7.6.7.6., the same as "O Sacred Head Surrounded".
    Except "O Sacred Head Surrounded" (Passion Chorale) has the doubled meter 76.76.D (eight lines, not four).
  • Try this one on for size, francis.

    1.Messiah long-awaited,
    How keenly Thou wast hated;
    For men of meager merit
    Thou rendered up Thy Spirit.

    2. Messiah, Savior given
    To lead all souls to Heaven,
    Defiant. we denied Thee
    And, shameless, crucified Thee.

    3. Messiah once anointed
    In time and place appointed,
    Such be the thanks we render
    To God for mercies tender.

    4. Messiah long-awaited,
    In life and death thus hated,
    For us, who judgment merit,
    Thou rendered up Thy Spirit.

    (c) 2021 Anna Bendiksen

  • francisfrancis
    Posts: 9,456
    Thank you Anna... this is beautiful and noble. Let me think on this.
    Thanked by 1Anna_Bendiksen
  • CHGiffenCHGiffen
    Posts: 4,658
    Another superb text, Anna! Francis's assessment is spot on.
  • francisfrancis
    Posts: 9,456
    Published this Day, July 16, 2021
    A new rendition using the text of both Francis Koerber and Anna Bendiksen.