The Very Model
  • Adam WoodAdam Wood
    Posts: 6,409
    I am the very model of a former Catholic Anglican
    I've information from my sources deep within the Vatican
    I know the Petrine scions and I quote the Popes historical
    From Linus, Cletus, Sextus up to Peter the Romanical

    I'm quite acquainted too with all the doctrine that's dogmatical
    The poperous positions they pontificate emphatical
    I know the names of every single cardinal electoral
    And have discrete opinions on the ones still held in pectoral

    I'm very good at liturgies both solemn and processionals
    I know the ins and outs of architectural confessionals
    In short in matters Roman or concerning of the Vatican
    I am the very model of a former Catholic Anglican

    I know their mythic history, like Turin and Veronica
    I play the plainchant melodies on organ and harmonica
    I have a Rosary carved by barefoot nuns from East Jerusalem
    And when the clergy's collars are too tight I always loosen 'em.

    I can tell a Palestrina motet from a Psalm by Gelineau
    I know by scent the difference between Chartreuse and Frangelico
    I know of every shape and size and style of a chasuble
    I hear the latest rumors and believe that they are plausible!

    Then I can say a collect in a Latin that's Italianate
    I own a tunicle so I can join the subdiaconate
    I know the Ordinary and Extraordinary Forms of Mass
    I taught apologetics in a Servite catechumen class

    In fact, when I know French birettas from the hats they wear in Spain
    When I know what an ambry and a tabernacle each contain
    When I know all the heresies like Plagian or Arian
    And even know about those freaky sedes the Palmerians

    When I know all the proclamations papal or conciliar
    And am with Sui Juris churches really quite familiar
    In short when I know everything the Roman church has ever done
    You'll know that at a seminary party I am never fun.

    Now for my Popish knowledge I am really very quite oppressed:
    The Anglicans don't listen when I criticize the way they're dressed.

    In short in matters Roman or concerning of the Vatican
    I am the very model of a former Catholic Anglican.
  • M. Jackson Osborn
    Posts: 8,023
    Priceless, Adam.
    This has to be the cleverest but of humour that this Forum ever did see.

    I couldn't help being reminded of that old Anglican song about the Vicar of Bray, who, high, low, or in between, changed his colours to suit whoever was in power at a geven time - or just to survive. Thusly, whatever the churchmanship of the day held sway, he could at least boast the refrain, 'I am the Vicar of Bray, sir'! (It's really quite Gilbert and Sullivanesque - hear it on youtube).

    (I would love to hear you sing your ditty!
    Thanked by 1Adam Wood
  • CHGiffenCHGiffen
    Posts: 4,687
    Indeed, it's quite G&S-esque. I laughed until tears rolled down my cheeks!!
    Thanked by 1Adam Wood
  • Very nice! Though, as someone who can play both organ and harmonica, I never thought to play chant on the later.
  • Carol
    Posts: 690
    WOW! How long did you work to craft this masterpiece? When I was in college I had a friend who wrote a quite irreverent parody of the "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy" of which the only part I can remember is "and then he rode an ass into Jerusalem, He's in heaven now, praying for you and me, He's the King of the Jews, the Prince of Peace."
  • Adam WoodAdam Wood
    Posts: 6,409
    I wrote it live on Twitter in about 30 minutes.

    The hardest won couplet was Gelineau...Frangelico
    The original makes some similar comparisons about knowing the difference between two artists, so I knew Palestrina would be ideal. Then I was searching lists on Catholic composers looking for one that would make a good rhyme. Gelineau!
    That triggered a vague memory that there was some liqueur with a similar name so I went through the lists of liqueurs brewed by monasteries.
    I’ve actually had chartreuse, but I’ve never tried Frangelico.
    Thanked by 1Carol
  • Adam WoodAdam Wood
    Posts: 6,409
    play both organ and harmonica,


    I play neither
  • M. Jackson Osborn
    Posts: 8,023
    Chartreuse is a good liqueur.
    I've had the dark.
    There is also a light which I've never had.
    And they are both 'chartreuse' - I wonder if that's where the colour gets its name.
    Nothing, though, for me compares to Benedictine or Drambouie, though Jaegermeister, being made from cabbage, is interesting..

    I'm waiting to hear you sing it.
    Perhaps a glass of Chartreuse would help?
    Thanked by 2Carol CHGiffen
  • I'm waiting to hear you sing it.
    Perhaps a glass of Chartreuse would help?


    Help him sing, or you hear?

    Seriously, though, since good humor is often a serious business, I would be interested to hear it.
  • Adam WoodAdam Wood
    Posts: 6,409
    Which one of you is going to volunteer to record the accompaniment for me?
  • KARU27
    Posts: 151
    Frangelico is, dare I say it? A simulacrum. Not really made by any clerics. It is tasty over ice cream, though.
  • Adam WoodAdam Wood
    Posts: 6,409
    Perhaps a glass of Chartreuse would help?


    I don’t care For it but if someone wants to send me a bottle of Frangelico, I would certainly not mind. You could expense it to your parish’s evangelization budget.
    Thanked by 2francis CHGiffen
  • StimsonInRehabStimsonInRehab
    Posts: 1,676
    If Adam sings this, I’ll sing the “Choir Director’s Lament” listed in Appendix II of the document below:

    https://www.millionairesrow.net/100714thE/StJamesSeattleMusicHistory.pdf
  • Andrew_Malton
    Posts: 950
    Because Chartreuse vs Frangelico matches a class distinction, with astonishing precision, I thought that was one of the wittiest lines, not to mentione most carefully sought and well found, in the whole.

    Knox meets Gilbert. Bravo.
    Thanked by 1CHGiffen
  • Adam WoodAdam Wood
    Posts: 6,409
    'chartreuse' - I wonder if that's where the colour gets its name


    It is.
  • Adam WoodAdam Wood
    Posts: 6,409
    > I thought that was one of the wittiest lines

    I think "And have discrete opinions on the ones still held in pectoral" is my favorite,
    with "Peter the Romanical" a close second.
  • Liam
    Posts: 4,361
    "I hear the latest rumors and believe that they are plausible!"

    Is the pearl of great price.
  • irishtenoririshtenor
    Posts: 1,219
    I think the cleverest is "The ones still held in pectoral," though I like the Palmarian reference, too :-)
  • Chrism
    Posts: 805
    Applies to "Catholic former Anglican"'s as well!
    Thanked by 1Liam
  • M. Jackson Osborn
    Posts: 8,023
    Is there a post showing Adam singing it? I must be overlooking itl
  • Adam WoodAdam Wood
    Posts: 6,409
    Not yet. Will try to do it this weekend.
  • Adam WoodAdam Wood
    Posts: 6,409
    Applies to "Catholic former Anglican"'s as well!


    Yes. Of all the inter-ecclesiastical pathways, that’s the one that attracts those sort of people.

    Folks who grew up Catholic or Anglican and then wandered over to the cryptobaptist mega church for the dog and pony show just don’t seem to have the same joie de vivre or depth of expertise
    Thanked by 1Chrism
  • Nisi
    Posts: 101
    Which one of you is going to volunteer to record the accompaniment for me?
    Anytime, Adam!
  • irishtenoririshtenor
    Posts: 1,219
    Thanked by 1M. Jackson Osborn
  • M. Jackson Osborn
    Posts: 8,023
    What's next?
    The Lord High Executioner???
  • StimsonInRehabStimsonInRehab
    Posts: 1,676
    Yeah - M’Lord’s name is Roche or Macias.
  • Adam WoodAdam Wood
    Posts: 6,409
    I lived at an Episcopal seminary for four years so I’ve been itching to do Three Little Maids
    Thanked by 1petrus_simplex
  • Carol
    Posts: 690
    I wish I was educated enough to get ALL the jokes. It is so clever!
  • Carol ,

    Adam will be offering a class to show the rich meaning of his text. [Adam, that's your cue]. Mind you, when he does this, you'll spend the whole time he's singing analyzing the work instead of allowing yourself to enjoy it, but.... well, sometimes that can't be helped.
    Thanked by 3tomjaw Carol Adam Wood
  • JonathanKKJonathanKK
    Posts: 525
    A cursory analysis of the text suggests that it is highly unlikely that this was written by forum user @AdamWood at all, but rather it was more probably written by a different author also by the name of Adam Wood, or possibly Hood. The word "Popish" suggests that the more ancient verses may have originated in England during its era of anti-Catholic sentiment. The fact that the same meter was imitated by the famous patter-song "The Modern Major-General" lends credence to the hypothesis that some form of the these original verses were still current in aural tradition in England in the late 1800's when Gilbert & Sullivan were writing; they had the verses in their ear, and so a parody came naturally forth as part of their operetta The Pirates of Penzance. However, references such as "Gelineau" are clearly interpolations by fairly modern hand, in a spirit of post-conciliar aggiornamento. I am sure if you dug a bit further, some of it is from a source known as Q, and other parts are from source X or Y, I cannot be sure which.

    P.S. Has anyone read this essay?
  • M. Jackson Osborn
    Posts: 8,023
    Adam! Come to your defence.
    Methinks that JonathanKK seems to have taken the wind out of your sails.
    Still, we are indebted to you for posting this side-splitting amusement.
    And, you still must sing it for us.
  • Jonathan,

    Thank you for the Belloc. It reminds me that the Jesuits were suppressed 9 years ago. I had forgotten that joyous occasion.
  • Adam WoodAdam Wood
    Posts: 6,409
    a different author also by the name of Adam Wood


    William Shakespeare wrote the original version of this, and he spent so much time working on it that he had to hire Francis Bacon to finish his plays and Marlowe to write the sonnets. (This explains the vast difference in quality between the two bodies of work.)

    I found it in a secret compartment of an old desk I bought on Ebay and changed a few lines so I could copyright this version because that is totally how copyright works.
  • bhcordovabhcordova
    Posts: 980
    At least, that's what GIA and OCP want you to think.
    Thanked by 2CHGiffen Carol
  • Carol
    Posts: 690
    My linguistic analysis concludes it was written by the same guy who wrote that political skewer "Primary Colors" by Anonymous.
  • ronkrisman
    Posts: 1,359
    A point about copyrights, in response to comments made above by bhcordova and Adam Wood:

    A new harmonization of a public domain hymn tune can be copyrighted. I believe that most, of not all, contributors to this Forum would accept such an application of copyright law as legitimate.

    As to the alteration of a hymn text in the public domain, the industry practice among hymnal editors and editorial committees is NOT to claim copyright of such an altered PD text. Certainly, not all hymnals follow this practice, but most do, and GIA does and I think OCP does too. An alteration has to be quite substantial (for instance, inserting a complete newly-composed stanza) before a hymnal would claim copyright, and such copyright would only cover the new text. An example of such a substantial alteration is F. Bland Tucker's stanza 4 to Ye Who Claim the Faith of Jesus in The Hymnal 1982.

    As an example of a "minor alteration," for a text recently discussed on this Forum, several hymnals have an altered first stanza in Henry Alford's We Walk by Faith:

    We walk by faith, and not by sight;
    with gracious words draw near,
    O Christ, who spoke as none e’er spoke:
    "My peace be with you here."

    None of the hymnals using this altered text claims copyright.