I would very much enjoy meeting you one day, should I resume attending colloquium, JSearle.
Your question is one very near to my heart (particularly having just participated in a dear friend's memorial Mass yesterday.) It is not only the case that the soul of the deceased stands before a judgment seat at a particular moment, we all stand at once as witness, defendant and even prosecutor in the story of our own salvation.
I'd illustrate and answer your question with a short anecdotal account. When I taught public high school choral classes we all suffered the loss of students and classmates as well as their parents, often under tragic circumstances. One of those losses was one of a Mormon father of a choral student in my program. He'd fallen through his own roof while doing electrical work and had a difficult death. I did wrestle whether to attend in his service, but common sense aligned with strong, Catholic faith, and I joined other students of mine and fellow teachers. However, while resolving to observe respectful etiquette I also did not join in singing LDS hymns, nor assenting to difficult prayers, all without drawing any attention to that witness. My conscience informs me that, in true Christian charity (like the Samaritan a couple of Sunday's ago), to not present a source of support and solace for my student would betray my own Catholic witness. That reality didn't verbally show up in my classroom, and prejudice towards our doctrines were never evident. However, there wasn't a kid of any stripe who didn't know of my "affiliation." When I took my chamber singers on retreat, we rehearsed in a seaside RC parish, we sang out of gratitude for them at Mass. Those students who were virulently anti-Catholic would sit out the Creed and things of that sort, but they sang Palestrina et al in beauty and unity of purpose.
One caveat, I would not endorse the above actions were the service led by Satanists or Wiccans and such. That would be a transgression. Secular? How else do you actively or passively evangelize others there if you're not?

Tim, Charles,

At what point ( hoping for precision) do we cross over from being respectful to approving, condoning or taking part in the worship of a false god?

CGZ:

Fair question; alas, I don't think there's going to be a hard and fast standard on that, since the facts on the ground vary. I think we'd have different answers for:

* A completely secular funeral where people are eulogizing the deceased and the closing song is someone belting out "My Way"; there's no mention of God, but there's no open antagonism against Him, either
* A Hindu funeral complete with chants
* A funeral in a "liberal" Catholic church

If I were in doubt, I would consult knowledgeable people such as trusted priests or other experts.

"It's amazing how reliable people's postings on the Internet are." -- Pope Benedict XV (paraphrased)

"THE ONION

Once upon a time there was a woman, and she was wicked as wicked could be, and she died. And not one good deed was left behind her. The devils took her and threw her into the lake of fire. And her guardian angel stood thinking: what good deed of hers can I remember to tell God? Then he remembered and said to God: once she pulled up an onion and gave it to a beggar woman. And God answered: take now that same onion, hold it out to her in the lake, let her take hold of it and pull, and if you pull her out of the lake, she can go to paradise. The angel ran to the woman and held out the onion to her: here, woman, he said, take hold of it and I’ll pull. And he began pulling carefully, and had almost pulled her all of the way out, when other sinners in the lake saw her being pulled out and all began holding on to her so as to be pulled out with her. But the woman was wicked as wicked could be, and she began to kick them with her feet: "It’s me who’s getting pulled out, not you; it’s my onion, not yours." No sooner did she say it than the onion broke. And the woman fell back into the lake and is burning there to this day. And the angel wept and went away."

(From The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoevsky) (paraphrased by someone's translation)

* * *

“She [Mrs. Turpin] bent her head slowly and gazed, as if through the very heart of mystery, down into the pig parlor at the hogs. They had settled all in one corner around the old sow who was grunting softly. A red glow suffused them. They appeared to pant with a secret life. Until the sun slipped finally behind the tree line, Mrs. Turpin remained there with her gaze bent to them as if she were absorbing some abysmal life-giving knowledge. At last she lifted her head. There was only a purple streak in the sky, cutting through a field of crimson and leading, like an extension of the highway, into the descending dusk. She raised her hands from the side of the pen in a gesture hieratic and profound. A visionary light settled in her eyes. She saw the streak as a vast swinging bridge extending upward from the earth through a field of living fire. Upon it a vast horde of souls were rumbling toward heaven. There were whole companies of white-trash, clean for the first time in their lives, and bands of black n*****s in white robes, and battalions of freaks and lunatics shouting and clapping and leaping like frogs. And bringing up the end of the procession was a tribe of people whom she recognized at once as those who, like herself and Claud, had always had a little of everything and the God- given wit to use it right. She leaned forward to observe them closer. They were marching behind the others with great dignity, accountable as they had always been for good order and common sense and respectable behavior. They alone were on key. *Yet she could see by their shocked and altered faces that even their virtues were being burned away.* She lowered her hands and gripped the rail of the hog pen, her eyes small but fixed unblinkingly on what lay ahead. In a minute the vision faded but she remained where she was, immobile.

At length she got down and turned off the faucet and made her slow way on the darkening path to the house. In the woods around her the invisible cricket choruses had struck up, but what she heard were the voices of the souls climbing upward into the starry field and shouting hallelujah.”

(The ending of "Revelation" by Flannery O'Connor, with elision and emphasis added by yours truly)

I think we are straining at gnats here. All of us have friends, colleagues, even distant family members who either don't share our faith, or don't participate in any faith. Attending weddings and funerals is a matter of courtesy, not worship. No, don't receive communion with Protestants, or affirm their creeds. Just go and be respectful. That is not a lot to ask of anyone.

Well, and we have to consider what Pope Leo meant by "praying." Did he mean attending worship services, joining in a meal prayer led by a heretic, standing next to a heretic and praying for the dead? What was he getting at here? It seems likely to me that it was a caution regarding attending heretical worship, and joining in their liturgies.

I will dig up the exact quote later this evening when I have a chance.

Unnecessary, really, unless you need to be exactly sure that such folk as cited are, indeed, heretics.
@jesearle, sorry for the digressions.

This discussion greatly reminds of the thread on Catholics working in, either as a single/random gig or as an actually musical-member of, a Protestant church.

I think we can rule out the thought of having a second funeral, because the funeral service is done only in connection with the burial. Any later service is something else.

It would be very traditional to have Mass offered a month after the death, a "Month's Mind" Mass, and invite friends and family to it, and perhaps have a reception or a collation afterward.

Okay, So I haven't read all of these but I've been keeping a skimming eye over it all.

As for heretical funerals.
I'm not saying I would pray with these people... more for them and in my Catholic way. I can't see how it is wrong to do so. I don't think there is anything anti church about that.

My Dad's funeral will probably be quite unusual when it comes time as he'll probably want the German Mass by Schubert to be sung but completely missing the actual part of the mass (like the whole reason one does a mass setting is for the mass...) anyway I can't fathom not turning up to my father's "memorial ceremony" as ridiculous as I might think it would be at the time.

I once had a habit of turning up to funerals of various sorts. I worked for a crematorium for a while (No I didn't burn bodies, it was sadly bread and butter I needed but I really didn't agree with making.) I did my best to suggest Catholic prayers, Catholic hymns, Catholic music in these instances and generally it lead to people asking lots of questions and often accepting these suggestions. Often these people who had died (obviously they didn't ask me questions at the service... that would be weird.) they had expressed a sudden interest in believing in God before they died and the families were often tied as to whether they do a Catholic funeral or just stick with the pre-booked crematorium service, some of these families I managed to sway from the crematorium company and some still went ahead using Catholic music and prayers but I would see them at my church the next couple of weekends. Sure, there was the occasion where someone stood up and attempted to share with people a Buddhist viewpoint or quote, there would be a "spiritual poem" recited blah blah but I can't say in the 50+ funerals I did in 2014 that I ever participated in their prayers but rather focussed on praying for the soul of the deceased and the unknowing souls in the room. Most of the funerals were sadly just summaries of people's lives with a lot of photos and a lot of grief from people who had forgotten who to pray to and how to pray at all or they were funerals of disenchanted Catholics who were sorely affected by the abuse scandal in the church. I often saw my role as a pastoral one helping those who probably needed God most at that time.

Sure, if someone held some sort of funeral that purposefully went against Catholicism I would not attend.
But if it is just an empty ceremony of secular "me, myself and I's" then I feel an obligation to attend and pray for them.
And if it is a more liberal Catholic view I feel that I have the same obligation to pray for them but also to be present and participate in a way that sets an example.
For example, attending a Catholic church where communion is received in the hand I would not necessarily make a point of receiving on the tongue but I would receive on the tongue and that might spark some interest in the person who receives on the hand to check out why other Catholics receive on the tongue and if doing the music I might try to include the Dies Irae or something like that.

I personally don't have a gripe with the Novus Ordo Mass. I grew up with it and it's the most familiar to me. I grew up with a traditionally minded priest who made a point in his Homily to state that we need to pray for the soul of the person and at no point said "rejoice they are saved" I think I would have needed a bucket if he did say that. But if I knew that there was someone out there who was of that bent I wouldn't not attend the funeral, I would be there to pray for the people who were present and for the souls of the departed. Indeed I wouldn't not participate in the mass though I would do things that I am more comfortable doing in the mass such as the Domine Non Sum Dignus saying this three times, I would wear my hat/mantilla/headcovering to the mass, and if I was in charge of the music try to include something traditional that has words/scripture people can learn from.

Think about that dinner party you went to on the weekend. Did absolutely everybody say grace? If they did, did they make the sign of the cross? If you're with a friend who says grace you'd make the sign of the cross right? Does that mean you're being heretical because you're saying grace at the same time in the same place as another person of other religion but as a Catholic? Does it mean you've said the wrong grace? Or does it raise the question "hey why do you make the sign of the cross?" so that you can answer "Because I am unashamed to be a Catholic."

Exactly! You both eat the same meal and you both pray your own prayers.
When I'm with my Lutheran friend he prays his prayer and I pray mine making the sign of the cross, we pray it at the same time but by no means are we praying the same thing together...

I frequently have masses said for departed friends who were not Catholic. Having such a mass said is a good thing, and God is perfectly capable of sorting out any implications or effects. That's beyond my pay grade.

It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and a good reading on the situation.

My brother's name is Charles he's two years old and can make different animal noises and can catch a ball and can say duck and oh oh and oh dear! So cute!

okay seriously I got my answer so < / nonsensical input > is fine now

My dad (Methodist) wants his ashes spread on the family farm, so he can grow up with the corn or some such thing.

My mother, however, is another question. She's lapsed Catholic; back in the day she told me she did not, under any circumstances, want a Requiem Mass. Since she's stopped attending Mass on a regular basis she's not expressed any opinion any way. Since I'm the only practicing Catholic in my family right now, the funeral arrangements will probably fall to me. So, do I abide by a verbal request made by my mother before her current state, or do I do what's best for her soul?

Exactly this is really hard.
There isn't much we can really do. This is why we hold requiem's for our friends parents at home regardless of where the funeral is.

Um yes. Sorry, should have probably said "home base" the church. I call that my home. My house certainly ain't a home and I would never hold a funeral there.

If someone doesn't want a Catholic funeral, that's the person's right.

But after that, people can pray and have Mass offered for the departed's eternal happiness, and no one can reasonably expect to forbid that.