The Lively Homilies of Our Lives
  • MBWMBW
    Posts: 175
    Once in a while a homily, for an extrinsic reason having nothing to do with the homilist, becomes a never to be forgotten event.

    What is your favorite story about a homily which you will remember forever? Not, however, because of the homilist or content, but because of something that happened during the homily.

    These are the Lively Homilies of Our Lives.

    I will start.

    The scene is Good Friday in a beautiful cathedral. The liturgy has progressed prayerfully through the readings and the Cardinal has mounted the ambo to render his homily. This particular Cardinal was a, shall we say, less than inspiring speaker. He was about two minutes into his monotonic reading when a women in about the 10th pew stood up. She stared intensely at the Cardinal, and, after a moment, began to shake the index finger of her right hand at him. She said nothing, she just shook the finger as if she were identifying the culprit of a particularly heinous crime. After a few more seconds, with all eyes on her, finally she spoke and her words rang out, loud and clear: "YOU KILLED MY CAT!!". After throwing this accusation against the walls of the cathedral, (sorry Cicero), she sat down quietly. It all happened too fast for any usher to get to her and no congregant was inspired to intervene. So she just blended in for the rest of the liturgy. Oh, and by the way, the Cardinal never broke stride in reading his homily.
    Thanked by 9canadash CHGiffen mattebery noel jones, aago JulieColl Jani Adam Wood SarahJ FidemInFidebus
  • MBWMBW
    Posts: 175
    I'm bumping my own thread here because I firmly believe that there must be other great stories out there, stories of unplanned things that happened during a homily. These unplanned events create very lively homily experiences. This is not a call for reports of homilies that you may have issues with, but stories of weird, funny, or otherwise interesting things that happened while the homily was being delivered.

    A few genre that many of us have experienced variations on:
    -the cell phone
    -the precocious child
    -the equipment or wardrobe malfunction
    -the heckler
    -construction issues (roofs falling in, fires, floods etc)
    -sprinklers!
    -mic shenanigans
    -fainting

    C'mon, lets hear 'em!
  • CharlesW
    Posts: 11,982
    Back in the day when CB radios were everywhere, our parish went to a wireless microphone system. One Sunday during the homily, the system picked up two truckers conversing. The profanities were frequent and somewhat hilarious. The pastor, who was never ruffled by anything, calmly walked over and switched the system off. Some have said that was the most interesting sermon he ever preached.
    Thanked by 3CHGiffen MBW SarahJ
  • FidemInFidebusFidemInFidebus
    Posts: 611
    One of our priests was quite ill with bronchitis around Christmas and almost couldn't talk. We attended Mass on Christmas Day and there he was, probably not thrilled to be working that morning. He turned his situation into one of the most powerful and serious homilies I've ever heard, starting off with "It's NOT about me." in a low voice, bent halfway over and glaring at the whole congregation as he spoke. Then he continued and proceeded to trash all of our magical Christmas sugar plum fairy dreams, reminding us in a not-so-gentle way at all that it's not about presents, or how perfectly cooked your turkey is, or how you decorated your tree, or how you're not looking forward to seeing your family because Aunt so and so did this fifteen years ago that you can't forget, and on and on. I don't think you could even hear anyone breathe when he was finished.
    Thanked by 3CHGiffen MBW Casavant Organist
  • Steve QSteve Q
    Posts: 121
    Our pastor always hated to see people reading the church bulletin while he delivers his homily. Bulletins are supposed to be distributed after mass. One day, he finally had enough. Some old guy in the front row was reading the bulletin during the homily. The priest looked down, stopped mid-sentence, walked down to the man and snatched the bulletin from his hands, tore it up in front of his face and tossed it to the floor. Then he calmly went back to the ambo and picked up right where he left off as if nothing happened. Good thing my son and I were up in the choir loft, because we were laughing our heads off!
    Thanked by 2MBW Casavant Organist
  • Liam
    Posts: 5,094
    It would have been lovely to behold other congregants pick up something to read at that point.
    Thanked by 4Adam Wood MBW Spriggo Casavant Organist
  • StimsonInRehabStimsonInRehab
    Posts: 1,934
    Back in my salad days of Methodism, I remember our pastor loved to use an overhead projector to accompany his sermon. Because, well, nothing enlivens a sermon like adding clip-art and a bullet by bullet outline. One Sunday, he's speaking about David, so he decides to use a picture of the sculpture by Michelangelo; only problem is that Michelangelo's statue is a little too anatomically correct for your average Wesleyan's tastes. Pastor sends in his PP presentation to the AV guy, thinking he's cropped the picture correctly. Time comes for that slide to be displayed during the sermon - and it is not cropped correctly. In fact, our pastor has unfortunately emphasized the side of David best left to the imagination. After some scrambling, the image was taken down. Ironically, since the projection screen was behind the pastor, he never knew what had transpired in the middle of his sermon - only that the congregation seemed surprisingly attentive for the sermon that morning.
    Thanked by 4CharlesW MBW canadash JL
  • noel jones, aagonoel jones, aago
    Posts: 6,611
    Was the cat...Catholic?
  • MBWMBW
    Posts: 175
    Noel, you bring up a good point and one that is often overlooked.

    Of course, the great brains at the chancery convened a mini-synod to discern what the lady meant and to determine whether a feline sensitivity group (I have a feline sensitivity of another kind) should be mandated in all parishes. They decided that the outburst in question must have been generated by one of the following:


    -she was so overcome with emotion that she was not able to complete her original thought which was: YOU KILLED MY CATAFALQUE! One must realize that the cardinal in question was strongly identified with the Vat II reforms.

    -she somehow blamed the cardinal for the conversion of CAT STEVENS to Islam.

    -she actually said "EWE KILLED MY CAT!" This would raise the specter of killer sheep - female. Nobody wants this.

    or

    -maybe he really did kill her cat.

    We will never know. All the principals in this story are resting in peace. But - the truth is out there (or down there about 6 feet).
    Thanked by 1irishtenor
  • noel jones, aagonoel jones, aago
    Posts: 6,611
    That's AWFULLY DEEP to bury a cat.
    Thanked by 2Richard Mix Casavant Organist
  • CCoozeCCooze
    Posts: 1,259
    One Sunday during the homily, the system picked up two truckers conversing.

    Something like that happened at our church this past year. It was during a daily Mass, though. Some people were talking and laughing through the speakers. Very odd, indeed. Still not sure how that managed to happen.
    It took a bit for the priest to shut off the sound system - not that one should be necessary at daily Mass. I don't know why people sit way in the back - my boys insist we sit in one of the front pews, even if we're running late and have to walk past everybody there, showing our tardiness.
  • CharlesW
    Posts: 11,982
    About those sound systems. When older churches were built, priests were trained the same way as stage actors. They were taught to project their voices. With elevated pulpits and good acoustics, no one had difficulty hearing. Now they have to lean into microphones because they never learned the art of public speaking. With carpeting and pew cushions, many churches are as dead as recording studios.

    I am of the opinion that too much liturgy time is taken up by sermons. Unless he is one of the exceptions, most priests are neither clever nor creative enough to hold an audience's attention. We spend too much time listening to what father has to say - usually nothing of importance to begin with - then race through the canon. That cart is definitely pulling the horse.
    Thanked by 5M. Jackson Osborn CHGiffen MBW JL Steve Q
  • OrganistRob320OrganistRob320
    Posts: 164
    I remember one hot 100 degree summer day when the church air conditioning was broken. Father got up for the homily and said, "You think it's hot in here? Hell is hotter so repent! I believe in one God, the Father almighty...."
    Thanked by 4CHGiffen canadash StimsonInRehab Casavant Organist
  • kenstb
    Posts: 369
    When I was in the first grade, I attended the parish school. On Sundays, we would sit with our class during mass. One Sunday, the pastor was giving his homily (a LONG homily), and a few boys were sitting in the pews talking. The principal (let's call her Sister Lucy) noticed this and called over a student and said, "Go up there and tell them that I said to stop talking." Of course (as luck would have it), the poor kid walked up to the ambo, past the offending boys, tugged on the pastor's chasuble and said, "Sister said to tell you to stop talking." As you might guess, the altar boys (including me) laughed so hard that we were openly weeping. The microphone picked up the kid's voice, so the congregation got a good laugh too. It was the first time I ever saw a nun blush.

    P.S. -- My mother, on the other hand, was not amused by my laughing during mass. Not amused AT ALL. The appropriate attitude adjustment was subsequently administered to my posterior when mass was over.
    Thanked by 6WGS MBW canadash CHGiffen M. Jackson Osborn gregp
  • MBWMBW
    Posts: 175
    kenstb-GREAT STORY!
  • CHGiffenCHGiffen
    Posts: 5,193
    My brother (2 years younger than I), as a small child, had a habit of falling fast asleep at church when the sermon began ... and SNORING like a buzz saw. When he has a little older and didn't sleep through the sermons, he occasionally would climb astride the wooden armrest thingamabob that was midway along the length of the pew (for support) and start to pretend he was riding a horse, bouncing up and down, sometimes laughing. Needless to say, my mother was mortified, and my father was NOT amused and given to taking appropriate adjustment.

    On the other hand, I was the model child (if you believe this, then you must believe the moon is made of green cheese).
    Thanked by 2kenstb MBW
  • ghmus7
    Posts: 1,483
    OK, I have two stories.
    There was an 'older' lady in our parish In Houston. She had all her faculties intact, except the one regarding prudence and restraint.
    1. During an EF Mass, when the priest was quietly saying the prayers at the altar, she said very loudly: "HEY SPEAK UP WE CAN"T HEAR YA!".
    2. Another time, when the pastor began his homily, she announces: "AWW COME ON WE'VE HEARD ALL THIS BEFORE!"
    Thanked by 3MBW CHGiffen Olivier
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