I thought this was helpful:

http://forum.musicasacra.com/forum/discussion/5400/help-planning-nuptial-music/p1

I'm working on my own repertoire list; what I intend to do when I finish it is "gently" suggest that couples stick to that list. And as part of an introduction, I want to note that secular songs are generally a bad idea and explain (briefly) why, primarily from a practical perspective. This way, I get to be a bit more proactive, rather than reactive.

By all means, make sure you and the priest are on the same page first.

One thing worse than you and the priest not being on the same page is having the engaged couple inform you that you and the priest are not on the same page.

I have explained it to couples as: "Music for the wedding Mass must be Sacred, not secular". That is, the words must reflect the nature of the wedding Mass and be sacred in nature". I can't think of it, but I remember a reference to this in the catechism. Most folks can accept this.
To soften the blow, you can suggest that secular song be sung at the reception. And as a last resort, a prelude before the Mass.

"have a written policy in place before meeting with the couple"

This is roughly how I open my meetings with couples. I explain the distinction between appropriate and inappropriate music, and explain that I retain sole competency to make that determination. I've never had someone object.

I know of churches that had a written policy in place, and the pastor decided to do away with the written policy and deal with any problem as it arose. The logic was that if you do not set-up rules, the couple will not try to challenge them. The pastor and musician seem to be on the same page, too.

Usually, if they have ANY requests, they might say "Can we have [this song from a musical] or no?" I usually say "Well, we can do it before mass as a prelude, not during the mass."

I don't quite understand this. Whether the music is technically within the Mass or outside, it is still is the church in the presence of the Blessed Sacrament. Why shouldn't all the music honor Him in Whose presence we are, not in any way giving in to the pagan self-centered, self-absorbed culture?

So "Here Comes the Bride" is not technically within the Mass, so it's somehow allowed? ick! The last time my son was asked to play for a wedding and I (acting as his agent) told the bride HCTB was not appropriate in church (and we do have written parish policies on this that "require" sacred music--though that is obviously not enforced) and, while she was on the phone, had my son play some appropriate music that she did like. But, either she didn't like the fee I quoted ($50) or really wanted HCTB, but she called back and said her finance insisted on HCTB so "no thank you for your service". Not sure who they got to play (probably just programmed the synthesizer or else had the "mariachi" band play it), but my son was dismissed.

Let's see, "The Arrival of the Queen of Sheba" is from Handel's Oratorio "Solomon" which at least qualifies, in many quarters, as a religious work.

People may not know which opera the music comes from (or perhaps not know that it comes from an opera at all), but the (1) Overture to Tannhäuser is familiar to many, as is (2) "The Ride of the Valkyries" a.k.a. the Prelude to the Act III of Die Walküre; and (3) many will know the Siegfried Horn Call (here played in a virtuosic performance):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_MkMdlfl8Hg

(4) FInally, how many have heard of Parsifal? ... The Prelude to Act I is an ethereal masterpiece, with the chantlike opening them hauntingly beautiful, as well as the use of the Dresden Amen lending an aura of the sacred. And the chorale-like theme after that will sound to some who don't know the opera as almost "Brucknerian" (for those who know Bruckner's symponies). But of course Bruckner was a great admirer of Wagner.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQOfIENN2tk

At least around here, it's very rarely requested anymore.

It's rare that they request anything other than "Ave Maria." If they want the "Wedding Song," or something like that, doing it as a prelude puts it outside of mass, and as long as it's not something in objectively bad taste, is not problematic.

MY point was not that HCTB is cheesy, stupid, or of questionable origins. I expect that all music used in church will be God- not people-directed, that all music is chosen recognizing in Whose presence we are. That's the standard I apply to wedding music before, during or after the Mass as it is in the church before the Blessed Sacrament. We don't do many weddings, and fewer than we could given these standards. So be it.

What music do you (or your son) offer at weddings then, Teachermom24? We're obviously not all using the same rulers to establish whether instrumental pieces are God-directed or people-ward.

Why ask me what you should do? How would I know? Of course, we all use different "rulers" based on our own judgment of what is and what is not appropriate. As long as it is given to me to draw the line between what is and what is not appropriate, I will. We give the wedding couple a list of music to choose from when we meet before the wedding. The list has many beautiful pieces (beauty being one criterion for selection--another subjective element, of course). Like I said earlier, there are very few weddings at our parish where we've been asked to provide music (three in the last four years). My son is in high school, I am a volunteer at our parish--the food on our table does not depend on playing for weddings. For now, I'm thankful to be able to do what we can to bring sacred music to our parish.

How on earth did poor Pachelbel ever fall victim to this?

My best guess, seriously, is that it became a phenomenon due to the Robert Redford film ORDINARY PEOPLE. I believe that there was a wedding scene near the beginning in which a high school choir was singing some arrangement of it. Prior to that association, I can't remember Kanon as being a staple.

wouldn't know a German opera if they were bitten by it.

Once the rash sets in, though, they might start to suspect something.

A couple of days ago before a wedding I played for yesterday, the music menu arrived. I was taken aback to see Prelude requests that included "With or Without You" by U2 and some other selection by Coldplay - because the groom really likes these songs. Umm, nope, not going to happen, not going to play these. I informed the Music Director of my position - not really caring if there would be any pushback (which thankfully there wasn't). Interestingly, these came from the sister of the pastor whose daughter was being married. Otherwise, a beautiful wedding. And as they used the readings for Sunday January 1, the priest gave a dispensation to all from attending Sunday mass as their obligation has been fulfilled. The New Year's/Wedding party guests were quite pleased.

I always directed them to a website that had a good planning section for weddings including acceptable music.

My home parish is open to reasonable requests, so as far as hymns go, it has to be in the Adoremus Hymnal or be discussed between the couple and music director and then approved by the parish priest. I know they have a go–to repetoire of the Ave Maria, Panis Angelicus, etc. to use when nothing is chosen or otherwise requested. It works well. Then you can have people like me who want more complex or less common music… :)

The same policy applies to funerals. “On Eagle’s Wings” was finally purged, in the best way possible. The director would say, “Well, that’s not in our hymnal, so let me give you some which are similarly themed from which you can choose.” No one objected.

I have made peace with "Beagle's Wings" for funerals. That is the only time it is even asked for - usually by relatives who have come from out of town/state for the funeral. It must be more commonly used in other places. It has become so associated with funerals, l am surprised anyone would ask for it for a wedding.

Someone should combine "On Eagles Wings" with "Canon in D", Mendelssohn's "Wedding March" and "Mary Did You Know", so as to create the single most hated-by-sacred-musicians piece, which can then all be conveniently denied inclusion at Mass at once, or at least all suffered through at once.

Charles

How many priests have told you they look the other way *because* of that?

At a parish where the wedding music is usually appropriate, I received a list from a couple replete with clearly secular music. And this parish gives out a very nice list of music (and requires a "gathering song" separate and apart from [and after] the bridal procession to encourage the congregation to participate in the singing of the Mass). So I checked with the pastoral associate who handles weddings and was told she had approved the secular music because the couple was so nice and attended Mass regularly and the songs had special meaning to them. I asked what about when the next couple asks for secular music...and she just said she'd deal with that then and stick to the parish music list unless she thought an exception OK.

How many priests have told you they look the other way *because* of that?

In so many words, several. One said, "we won't see them again after the wedding, so make nice and get them out the door." I could go on. I already knew they were paying him handsomely. They told me.

I often wonder if a couple of our posters, both loved and admired, live in the real world where priests don't walk on water. Some of them can be as crass and money-grubbing as anyone else.

Don't get me wrong, Francis. I have known some priests that I am sure are living saints. Some others, let's say the church survives in spite of them, not because of them. As for those weddings, I only play them for close friends, at no charge, and years in between them. So I bring it on myself in those instances. Best to contract them out, if you can do without the money.

Although I have hardly played any weddings in the past few years, the song request that did me in was "A Thousand Years". This song was made popular from the "Twilight" movie, so, yes, vampires. It's still a very popular request, I hear from my fellow string players.
* I should qualify my statement, that this was not for Catholic weddings. Secular-style weddings, usually.
I also had a bride request the theme from "Pirates of the Caribbean", because seeing that movie had been their first date. I've had a bride request walking down the aisle to "You are my sunshine". I've seen the bridal party recess to a recording of the Star Wars theme (in a mega-church). Some of you are pretty sheltered! : )