On another thread I was asked to analyze a hymn text that I feel is badly written. I took a little time writing it, so just to keep it in view for a little while, I thought I'd begin a new thread with it.

Assuming this text http://www.hymnary.org/hymn/ANH1921/page/349

-Verses 3 and 5 are ok, although each has an inexact rhyme.

Every other verse, and the chorus, (and actually verse 5 but not as egregiously), has some quite unacceptable inversion of word order.

Word order in modern languages is exacting; it's part of the reason we can get away without inflecting our nouns and adjectives. The place where a noun falls in a sentence tells you whether it's a subject or object.

A man fell onto the dog

is different from

The dog fell onto a man.

One of the chief difficulties of writing rhymed verse in English is English's rhyme-poverty. Unlike Latin, Spanish, or Italian, where rhymes are easily found, English rhymes are very hard to find. That's especially so, in English, when some of the rhymes are feminine (2-syllable end rhymes), as half of those in this hymn are. It's almost necessary to use verbs at the ends of lines--but ordinarily in English, verbs come earlier in a sentence.

A compromise that many hymn writers make is inversion of word order. Put the verb last "Benedictions on us shed" or the adjective last "Here we meet with hearts sincere."

This isn't the only fault here. Verse 2 is nearly unintelligible. But it's a glaring problem.

I like to think of hymn writing as a craft or skill, like woodworking. When a master craftsman makes something, even something as simple as a wooden chest, for example, the seams are finished. If there were knots in the wood, or if the grain is faulty, or if there is any other problem with the basic equipment, a master is able to finesse the problem so that it comes out finished. Or think of a beautiful piece of lace or embroidery. It has a finished quality. If there have been compromises, they have been handled in a masterful way so that the seams don't show. In this hymn, they show.

Consider the following hymn, by the master Charles Wesley. Here he often ends a line with a verb, but the entire line has been arranged so that this is natural English word order, as straightforward and robust as natural spoken speech. In addition to a polished, finished handfeel, the hymn also seems to ring with inspiration. We all know singers who are able to ring out the feeling behind a song--Mahaliah Jackson could always do this brilliantly, even without knowing all the words! A well-written hymn is in some way able to communicate the religious impulse that inspired the hymn to those who sing it.

Christ the Lord is risen today, Alleluia!
Sons of men and angels say; Alleluia!
Raise your joys and triumphs high, Alleluia!
Sing, ye heavens, and earth, reply: Alleluia!

Lives again our glorious King, Alleluia!
Where, O Death, is now thy sting? Alleluia!
Dying once He all doth save, Alleluia!
Where thy victory, O Grave? Alleluia!

Love's redeeming work is done, Alleluia!
Fought the fight, the battle won, Alleluia!
Death in vain forbids Him rise, Alleluia!
Christ hath opened Paradise, Alleluia!

Soar we now where Christ has led, Alleluia!
Following our exalted Head, Alleluia!
Made like Him, like Him we rise, Alleluia!
Ours the cross, the grave, the skies, Alleluia!