TENOR SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUSTS
  • MBWMBW
    Posts: 175
    Dateline: Sparks, Nevada
    February 19, 2016

    Tenor spontaneously combusts.
    Church choir singed.

    This afternoon, at approximately measure 64, a tenor in the St. Elmo Church Choir burst into flames scattering altos, charring motets, and re-heating the choir snacks. Many sopranos screamed, emptying the neighborhood of dogs. No basses noticed anything amiss.

    The tenor, I.M. Flatt, had been negotiating an undulating cambiata when smoke began to pour out of his poor pores. Before the conductor could extinguish the phrase, Mr. Flatt was engulfed in a torculus incaendium.

    Emergency responders were running into the music room as altos were running out. Firefighter Blaise Stoppard trilled "The fire was so intense that it raised the pitch of the organ 45 cents making early music impossible without a difficult transposition." "And", he concluded, "nothing burns like a tenor".

    The parish priest, Fr. Yul Tye Carroll, rushed into the church to save the incense, but bounced out again quickly when he remembered that he had not used the stuff since 1965.

    This is the third St. Elmo tenor to combust since the feast of St. Lawrence, leading authorities to speculate that, if the trend were to continue, the average temperature in Sparks could be raised by enough to cause severe softening of Snickers bars.

    Late bulletin: George Herbert came back from the grave to brag that God was demonstrating that he (Herbert, not God) was right all along in claiming that all musick is but three parts vied and multiplied. He (God not Herbert) was pleased with the decline in voice parts. Or, as he (Herbert, not God) put it today "I don't got to show you no stinkin' tenors."

    Thanked by 7CharlesW Kathy Salieri JulieColl JacobFlaherty CHGiffen Casavant Organist
  • CharlesW
    Posts: 11,934
    Now if that had been a soprano combusting, I could have really gotten into it. LOL.
  • JulieCollJulieColl
    Posts: 2,465
    Is it just me, or is it a general rule that training tenors requires the greatest investment in time, energy, patience and tact? That's been my experience in every choir I've been in, but the flip side is that when they're ON (and not spontaneously combusting!) they elevate the music to an entirely different and phenomenal level.
    Thanked by 2canadash Choirparts
  • SalieriSalieri
    Posts: 3,177
    when they're ON (and not spontaneously combusting!)

    The problem is that they overheat very easily, and need to constantly re-fill the radiator. (Chardonnay and Riesling are usually the best.)
    Thanked by 6JacobFlaherty JulieColl CharlesW Jani Jahaza StimsonInRehab
  • JulieCollJulieColl
    Posts: 2,465
    HA! I'm pretty sure the three Irish tenors in my mom's choir back in the day ran on beer. They rolled in on Thursday nights in a cloud of alcoholic vapors, but they were a jolly lot and usually showed up sober on Sunday morning.
  • ghmus7
    Posts: 1,465
    lol well done!
  • Liam
    Posts: 4,946
    I was in a choir for several years where the inner voices (altos and tenors, in ample supply) needed far less directorial attention than the outer voices.
  • CharlesW
    Posts: 11,934
    I have some of those outer voices - I am not sure how far out they are.
    Thanked by 1M. Jackson Osborn
  • CHGiffenCHGiffen
    Posts: 5,151
    It could be worse. You could have a soprano section with several screeching banshees (sopranshees) and wobbling warblers.

    Schola director to one singer: How did you learn to stay on pitch so well in recto tono chanting. Reply: I was originally an alto in a mixed choir, and we always seemed to have only one note.
    Thanked by 1Liam
  • Liam
    Posts: 4,946
    Charles

    WOTLP

    (Way Out There, Like Pluto)
  • CharlesW
    Posts: 11,934
    You have heard of unknown tongues? How about unknown keys? LOL
  • Don9of11Don9of11
    Posts: 685
    I been singing tenor for about 40 years. How much time a director or choir master spends on working with tenors depends on the individual talent and whether the music written even had tenors in mind. To draw a line in the sand so to speak if we compare devotional hymns to contemporary hymns like those in the Gather hymnal it's been my experience that contemporary hymns have tenors moving between voice registers, like riding a roller coaster. If you study devotional hymns you will find a different understanding of voicing is taking place, not just tenors but all the voices. This is also evident in choral pieces of the same period as devotional hymns. In my humble opinion today's composers (and not all of them) dont know how to write for voices.

    Good tenors are hard to come by thus the following is true....haha

    image
    Tenors go to heaven.jpg
    584 x 451 - 34K
    Thanked by 9JulieColl MBW CHGiffen Casavant Organist canadash kenstb ClergetKubisz StimsonInRehab MarkThompson
  • Casavant Organist
    Posts: 800
    I am the only tenor in my choir and it doesn't work that well with only one bass and no altos to help with the "3 part harmony" which doesn't sound that great.

    You are right, the tenors are always looked for. I am sought out a lot in my area and it gets really annoying.
    Thanked by 1JulieColl
  • Liam
    Posts: 4,946
    "In my humble opinion today's composers (and not all of them) dont know how to write for voices."

    The problem predates contemporary music, but it's been greatly amplified as sacred music became an eddy of music practice instead of its core. As a former instrumentalist (horn) and then amateur singer, but with enough music theory training to help inform my sensibilities, I developed an intuition about compositions where it became evident that the composer wrote from the keyboard with an instrumentalist's imagination, not with a vocal imagination. (And, no, I am not referring the Handel's choral tenor parts - though tenors probably administered Purgatorial discipline to him.)

    I also see this not only with composers but music directors. A lot of musicians who approach their music through their digits more than through the voice.
  • CharlesW
    Posts: 11,934
    I have plenty of good tenors which must be an anomaly. Most of them read music and sing well. However, I am chronically short on basses and the ones I have...I leave that to your imagination.
  • Casavant Organist
    Posts: 800
    I was singing with another choir for a funeral once and there were more tenors than the choir combined. At least the cantor was a soprano!
  • FidemInFidebusFidemInFidebus
    Posts: 611
    http://youtu.be/9UUPEo849_s
    Thanked by 1Casavant Organist
  • Don9of11Don9of11
    Posts: 685
    Apart from my friend Tom who is 82, I'm the only other male voice in our choir. We are both tenors. It's hard for me to say why we are the only ones, except that we both sang devotional hymns for many a year. Say what you will there's value still in these old devotional hymns. I encourage you to checkout the http://www.catholicdevotionalhymns.com/
  • M. Jackson Osborn
    Posts: 8,368
    This may earn me some laughter directed my way, but - I can't tell if this is supposed to be true or not. I read, many years ago, in one of those books about strange and very unusual happenings, that there are actually documented cases of the spontaneous combustion of persons. One never knows whether actually to believe these things or not, but they have been reported as verified and as really having happened. The persons involved did not outlive their combustion but did leave burnt surroundings as testimony of the manner of their departure from this life.

    I can say that, though I can no longer sing tenor (or countertenor), only bass and baritone, there have been too-numerous-to-mention times when I was certain that, because of some clerical antics, or some unfortunate liturgical foolishness, I would combust at any moment - that I have yet to do so is a miracle in itself. (I have never checked to see, but there may be a few organ benches here and there with scorched surfaces that would correspond to the contours of a human anterior.)
    Thanked by 3MBW Salieri JulieColl
  • MBWMBW
    Posts: 175
    scorched surfaces that would correspond to the contours of a human anterior.


    This explains a lot, really a lot.
  • M. Jackson Osborn
    Posts: 8,368
    I'm not sure what it explains.
    Actually, I might well have put those remarks in purple - if I knew how.
  • MBWMBW
    Posts: 175
    Well, it explains, like, crop circles, JonBenet Ramsey and stonehenge, you know? Bench grooves, I thought the answer was out there - but it was right behind me all the time!

    Re purple: I know how but I am sometimes lazy, and sometimes the humor is just too serious to be colorized.
    Thanked by 3M. Jackson Osborn CHGiffen Salieri
  • CHGiffenCHGiffen
    Posts: 5,151
    If you want PURPLE TEXT LIKE THIS Just do this:

    IMMEDIATELY BEFORE the text you want to be in purple, simply TYPE:
    <font color=purple>

    IMMEDIATELY AFTER the text you want to be in purple, simply TYPE:
    </font>

    Hence, to get the first line of this post with "PURPLE TEXT LIKE THIS" actually appearing as purple text, one types:
    If you want <font color=purple>PURPLE TEXT LIKE THIS</font> Just do this:

    It is not at all difficult, and it is well within the capacity of any musician who can understand seeing the instruction "Solo" followed somewhat later by "Tutti" to mark a passage that is to be sung (or played) solo. Or. for a musical repeat, where ‖: begins the section and :‖ ends the section to be repeated.

    <analogy type=taking_a_shower>
    It's also analogous to taking a shower: one turns on the water and adjusts the water temperature, eg. <water temp=108>; then, when done, one turns off the water, eg. </water>.
    </analogy>
    <advice type=remember>
    If you REALLY CANNOT REMEMBER this procedure, then COPY & PASTE the above instructions somewhere, to a separate file, to a comment box that you SAVE as a DRAFT for easy recall.
    </advice>
    <rant mode=plea>
    Finally, if you REALLY WANT to display something in PURPLE TEXT, then DO IT – CORRECTLY. Don't resort to something like the lame

    [purple text on] Blah dee blah dee blah [purple text off]

    for your own particular version of satire or humor. If you don't give a hoot about the actual color for your satire and want to type something like *Satire mode on* before and *Satire mode off* for your brilliancy. It will convey your intent much better than typing *Purple on* and *Purple off*.
    </rant>

    As is often said in our circle, Say the black. Do the red.
    Thanked by 4Michael Mills a_f_hawkins JulieColl Casavant Organist
  • SalieriSalieri
    Posts: 3,177
    organ benches here and there with scorched surfaces that would correspond to the contours of a human anterior.

    I am currently in possession of one.
  • CharlesW
    Posts: 11,934
    I have read that scorch marks left on furniture are evidence of a visit by Satan.
  • M. Jackson Osborn
    Posts: 8,368
    So, Salieri, there are, then, benches that have scorched surfaces corresponding to the contours of human anteriors!?
    Eureka! It works!
    (But it's so much trouble.)
    Thanked by 2CHGiffen Casavant Organist
  • Richard MixRichard Mix
    Posts: 2,768
    ...a human anterior.
    Is this really the word you're looking for?

    I once read on one mostly blank wall of a stall "hi, I'm left-handed" and beneath was "Hi, I'm right handed but I like to sit facing this way."
  • ClergetKubiszClergetKubisz
    Posts: 1,912
    Is it just me, or is it a general rule that training tenors requires the greatest investment in time, energy, patience and tact?


    Yes. Even the famed Italian singing teacher, G.B. Lamperti says that exactly in his treatise "The Technic of Bel Canto," viz:

    "The proper cultivation of a tenor voice requires great experience, and forms the most difficult task for the singing teacher." (Lamperti, p. 25).
    Thanked by 1JulieColl
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